Pornography: Love It or Hate It?

Vision Magazine, February 2010

A recent Canadian study measuring the impact of pornography on 20-something-year-old men was unexpectedly cancelled. The reason? Researchers were unable to find a control group of men in their 20s who had not consumed pornography. I think that many men would chuckle after hearing this. And I think that many women could be dismayed—especially the women who are dating those 20-something-year-old men. Pornography is a loaded topic, evoking both titillation and deep discomfort. However, the typical knee-jerk reactions do little to help us understand the complexity of this prevalent yet taboo topic.

Pornography touches on many people’s deepest fears and desires—namely sex, pleasure, power, gender relations, idealized beauty, trust, guilt, and self-worth. For this reason, a better understanding of its personal impact is advantageous. The term pornography in this article refers to visual depictions of sexual behavior intended to arouse the viewer through the Internet, DVDs, and cable shows. This article focuses on gender differences, and the potential harms and benefits of pornography consumption.

It is not surprising to learn that males are much more likely to enjoy and consume pornography than females. While there is “feminist” pornography, directed by women and featuring more plot, romance, and foreplay, mainstream pornography is primarily created by and for men. Men tend to enjoy visual stimulation more, and seek out sexual novelty.

I asked a 39-year-old single male to explain the appeal of daily viewing of porn online. “I find it titillating—I use it for masturbatory fodder,” he openly responded. “It’s lazier mentally because it’s easier; it’s right there. I don’t have to conjure up an image. Looking at porn moves the process along more rapidly.”

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Awakening to Sexual Self-Love

Vision Magazine, February 2009

Learning to love ourselves can be a challenging task and a long journey. Lying at the core of self-love are the abilities to know ourselves, like ourselves, and appreciate our strengths, while accepting our weaknesses. Expanding self-love into the sexual arena can offer even more avenues for personal growth. Unfortunately for many people, self-love and sexuality are mutually exclusive. Sexuality is often relegated to its own discrete box and does not receive the same knowledge, appreciation, and acceptance as the development of self-love and personal transformation in other areas of our lives.

When expanding self-love to our experiences and meaning around sexuality, it may be easier to first state the opposite of sexual self-love: guilt, shame, embarrassment, disconnection, body-loathing, and lack of knowledge. These emotions and mental states are the result of fear-based learning about sex and sexuality from various sources, such as restrictive religions, embarrassed parents, ignorant teachers, and idealized media images. If you begin with sexual topics where you feel anxiety or discomfort, you can identify where you have opportunity for immediate growth. The areas of body-image, masturbation, and freedom of expression can be a great place to start.

Research studies have found that how a woman perceives her body is the largest predictor of how much she enjoys her sex life. This applies to men too; often they are embarrassed by their bellies or focus on the size of their penises as an indicator of how well they can please a partner. Thoughts of covering or hiding disliked body parts can be very distracting during sexual interactions. Many women are disgusted by their thighs or their genitals, despite genuine compliments from admiring partners. This dependence on body-image for sexual esteem is a losing battle, particularly as we age in this youth-obsessed culture. A lack of body confidence means we carry an energetic weight that may unconsciously shield us from intimate opportunities.

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The Shadows of Sexuality

Vision Magazine, October 2008

In a society with an inclination to plaster sexual images everywhere, sex is still very much in the shadows. Sexuality is often laden with shame, embarrassment, guilt, judgment, and stigma, so its shadows can be heavy and frightening. It is imperative to address the shadows of sex to see it is a natural human experience, as well as a powerful force. When such a topic is mired in silence and misconceptions, it can lead to many personal and societal problems, such as abuse and exploitation. The politicians and religious leaders brought down by public sex scandals are perfect examples of individuals whose shadow elements have surfaced in unhealthy ways.

The shadow aspects of our sexuality are those parts of ourselves we dislike, judge harshly, or deny. To find your own examples, reflect on whether any of these experiences trigger your defenses: having had an abortion, being a closeted gay man, childhood molestation by a family member, shame about a college rape, a herpes diagnosis, the inability to orgasm, early ejaculation, dislike of body parts, being called a slut, being called a prude, feeling inadequate in bed, or having shameful sexual fantasies. Do any of these experiences strike a cord?

The causes of shadowed sexuality are abundant. Growing up in the U.S., we receive many mixed and negative messages about sex through our families, peers, religion, schools, the media, and the government. My “favorite” ambiguous message is “sex is a dirty thing you save for someone you love.” It is no surprise that there is so much fear, discomfort, and denial associated with sex. But denial of what we fear does not make it disappear. As the holistic adage declares, “what we resist, persists.”

Click here to read the entire article through Vision Magazine.

A Radical Notion of Feeling Good

Roxanne Magazine, June 2008

When we think of “radical” acts, feeling good is not at the top of the charts. I looked up the definition of radical, and found two distinct but relevant definitions: 1) a change from accepted or traditional forms; and 2) going to the root or origin. This makes sense. What’s radical about women truly feeling good is that it flies in the face of a traditional role for women—where women are valued for how good they make others feel. When women feel good, and know how to do it on their own terms, it gets to the root of knowing and loving oneself.

Regarding sexuality and a disconnect from pleasure, this takes multiple forms for women, such as feeling embarrassed about masturbation, putting the needs of others first and not taking the time to genuinely nurture ourselves. Masturbation, at its core, is about feeling good. Yet discussing masturbation openly is still taboo for many women. I have counseled women who physically enjoyed masturbation, but felt embarrassed and ashamed afterwards. This is the epitome of ingrained sexual guilt: no one else is in the room, and no one knows they pleasured themselves; yet, they sense that society is in the room judging. Feeling good— physically, mentally and emotionally— can be radical to these women.

Finding their identity and meaning in caring for others, women often feel they must put the needs of others first. While this is a beautiful aspect of our society, it means that women may not feel entitled to ask for what they want. This is particularly prevalent in sexual situations when women can be too uncomfortable to express their desires or may not even know what gives them pleasure.

Why is it important to strive to feel good? Disconnecting from what feels good at a deeper level means disconnecting from a primary source of our power and strength. However, once we know what it is like to experience joy and pleasure, we will demand it in relationships with others and seek to have that joy fill our lives.

To reclaim feeling good at a deep level is to ask what feels good as a sensual, balanced woman. This self-appreciation is empowering, and feeling good like that is a radical act.

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Who’s Your Perfect Partner?

Published in the January 2008 San Diego Seniors

Have you spent much time on the dating scene? Any time you return to this arena, you may experience a mix of exhilaration, confusion, and dread. We have heard or experienced the horror stories like that of my sister, who walked into a bar to meet a date, only to find him ladling snacks from the community bowl into his mouth like it was soup, or a male friend who told me about a first date with a woman who optimistically inquired whether he was into shooting up horse tranquilizers like her last boyfriend. While we hope such encounters are less frequent as we mature and gain dating experience, we also tend to get more set in our ways with our quirks and baggage. It is easy to become disappointed when the people we meet are not who we hoped they would be, and disillusioned about starting over or being able to find the right match.

In contrast, when all is going well and we feel “in the flow” with a new person, the excitement and novelty float us along. Knowing that these feelings of connection and contentment are possible keep many of us in the game. But it can still feel like a crap shoot over which we have no control. We hope to be lucky enough to have a great relationship happen to us. However, there is a helpful activity to attract this flow experience into our dating lives.

How would you define your ideal partner? If you were to make a list, what would be included? While it is easy for most folks to rattle off a short list of desired attributes, such as generous, honest, attractive, and humorous, I am suggesting that you to dig deeper at your ideals and values. Consider the following factors when creating your Perfect Partner List: appearance, life outlook, personality, skills, values, interests, background, politics, religion, family attachments, goals, the nature of your interactions, and the person’s impact on you. These can be ranked or weighted according to importance. Some will be less significant than others, but do pay close attention to which characteristics are non-negotiable. Trust yourself with these, and stay true to them.

Taking the time to create a meaningful list serves many beneficial purposes. This process helps you to focus on your values, and be clear about what is important to you. It is like setting an intention to the universe and taking a stand for what you know is best for you. And it makes your decisions in dating easier because you are explicit about your needs, and able to articulate them.

It is probably not a good idea to break out this list on a date, and use it as a checklist! I was recently at an upscale bar in La Jolla, bantering with a cute man. It did not occur to me until the third question pertaining to children and marriage that I was being interviewed. The interrogation was unnerving and felt alienating and artificial. On the other hand, your Perfect Partner List is a way to maintain awareness of your values and your non-negotiable ideals when you want to date someone seriously. Listening to any dating warning bells is therefore easier, as well as recognizing and appreciating a genuine and meaningful connection that is worthy of your heart.