Thanksgiving - An Exercise for a Day of Gratitude & Appreciation

I received several emails and text messages from friends this year for Thanksgiving, referring to the holiday as a "Day of Gratitude." While this might not sound like much of a stretch from the word "Thanksgiving," I think the shift is a powerful one, especially when we shift further to appreciation.

Like most holidays in the United States, Thanksgiving has become commercialized and bastardized. The focus of the day often strays towards the overconsumption of food, meat, and alcohol, commiserating about annoying relatives, and zoning out in front of the television. Making a shift to calling it a "Day of Gratitude" opens our focus to expansive appreciation.

Stating what we're grateful for is a way to focus our thoughts on the positive in our life. I think that "appreciation" is the next step of actually feeling the gratitude - experiencing the expansion in our hearts when we cultivate appreciation. It lifts our spirits and helps us recognize how much beauty and joy is around us.

Try this short exercise: 1) Think about something you are very grateful for; 2) Place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and focus on the thoughts and feelings of why you appreciate that particular thing, what it provides for you, how it makes you feel, etc.; and 3) Breathe deeply into that feeling of appreciation and feel an expansion in your chest.

If you want to bring this practice to making positive shifts in your life, make a commitment to yourself to choose at least one day of each week that will be your personal day of gratitude. And...I'd like to express my appreciation by thanking you for reading this :)

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Spirituality & Sexuality - Why Such a Split?

Monday evening's Coed Coffee Chat was about "Do Spirituality & Sexuality Go Together? How?" Twenty-two women and men sat outside at a local coffee shop and first hashed out the basics, such as:

• What does spirituality mean?
• Why is there often such a split between spirituality and sexuality?
• Does that have to do with our definitions and understandings of "sexuality"?

And then the discussion delved into a a breadth of issues that group members found relevant, such as:

• Non-monogamy and how this challenges some people's understanding of a spiritual and sexual union.
• The power of sexual energy and how this is controlled by religions, cultures, etc.
• The need to objectify women for a man to be able to orgasm.
• Whether sexual activity early in a relationship can interfere with spiritual bonding or truly knowing someone.
• Whether we are all spiritual beings having a human/physical experience.

A particularly poignant observation was about how we learn at a young age that it is not OK to be human. We're not allowed to be human. We are embarrassed to be human. We are ashamed to be human. I think when we take this perspective towards understanding our experiences of pleasure, it makes a lot of sense. In terms of the split many of us experience between spirituality and sexuality, this may be because we learned that the mind should be elevated over the body, and spirituality is something to aspire to by forsaking bodily pleasures. Enjoying our bodies is wrong, because we should be embarrassed by what makes us like other animals (e.g., defecation, sex, bodily secretions).

I like the concept that we are all spiritual beings having human experiences. I think that is an empowering shift in perspective to bring us into an appreciation of our bodies, pleasure, and intimacy as it is all part of our spiritual journey.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Sexual Potential: Pleasure & Sexual Expression - What Comes Into Play?

In a recent conversation with a couple, I was asked about all the factors that can come into play in sexual interactions. I started rattling off a long list, such as childhood lessons about sex, religious beliefs, self-esteem, self-worth, body-image, early sexual experiences, abuse, knowledge about one's body, nutrition, exercise, where you are in your life, where you are in your menstrual cycle (for women), stress, chronic diseases, length of relationship, depth of connection, medications, sense of security, emotional intelligence, meaning of sex, hormone levels, gender beliefs, anxiety, sleep, alcohol intake, comfort with communication....As I paused for a moment, they looked at me and said, "Wow - that's a lot."

Yes, it is, and there's still much more. In every relationship, each person has their own version of these factors as well as how they interact in the relationship, where they may take on a life of their own. It can be very complicated. I think this is also very exciting when it comes to evolving our sexual potential both alone and with others, because there is always something new to learn or new avenue to explore. This is why I believe it is imperative to take a holistic approach by considering the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects, and the interplay between these.

It can be a daunting task when facing sexual and relationship concerns to realize that there are so many relevant factors. However, we can also redefine the circumstances as ripe for personal growth and exploring the depths of human pleasure.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Emotional Intelligence - Feelings vs. Thoughts

At the heart of the work I do with individuals and couples is exploring the depth of emotions through identifying them, articulating them, and owning them. Sometimes though, it’s tough for people to differentiate between what they are feeling and what they are thinking. For example, I asked a male married client what he was feeling when his wife continually asked him whether he had taken the dog for a walk. “I feel like she’s being a pain in my ass!” he responded.

When I gently pointed out that this was a thought and not a feeling, he did not understand the distinction I was making. I told him that a feeling is an emotion, which is often linked to thoughts, but that what we think mentally and what we feel emotionally can be experienced separately. I have found that for some people, it is difficult for them to know what they are feeling, even though they may be experiencing a strong reaction.

In such cases, I may offer options of potential feelings. I like Lucia Capacchione's nine “Families of Feelings,” to assist in this process. The nine families of feelings include: Happy, Sad, Angry, Afraid, Playful, Loving, Confused, Depressed, and Peaceful. So in the above example, the gentlemen may have been feeling agitated (Angry), hurt or discouraged (Sad), anxious (Afraid) and conflicted (Confused). Although I’m careful not to put words in people’s mouths, I’ve found that this can start to bridge the gap between mind and body, thoughts and emotions. This “emotional intelligence” allows us to understand ourselves better and therefore have more meaningful and joyful (Happy) relationships.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Does He Like Me or Not? Are We Just Friends or Dating?

• "He walked me to my car and we were kissing for awhile and it was great, but now I haven't heard from him this whole week."
• "He said he's really busy and that's why he hasn't called for another date."
• "We met for coffee and spent hours talking and he said he really likes talking to me. Does that count as a date?"
• "I haven't heard from him in two weeks, and then he suddenly gives me a nice birthday present. I don't get it! What am I supposed to think?"

I'm sure we all have examples like these. I don't mean to pick on men here, but as a woman with many close female friends, these are the stories that I tend to hear. There is often ambiguity at the start of hanging out with someone, as to whether there is genuine interest in dating, interest in sex, or just interest in developing a friendship. How can you tell what the other person is thinking?

In some cases there will be ambiguity no matter what, because you can't always know how much you like the person and how well they match up with you. But wouldn't it be great if there was some system on which to rate what you're thinking about various potentials, and report that to the other person (and vice versa), so there is always clear communication about where you stand? For example, after each interaction, you indicate on a 1-10 scale, how you're feeling about the potential for:

• Dating
• Hanging out as friends
• Kissing
• Sex
• Being only Facebook friends

Would this ruin the excitement, mystery, and spontaneity at the start of knowing someone? Or would it just clear up a lot of confusion, hurt, and anger? It seems perhaps it would create MORE hurt feelings at first, while also creating LESS uncertainty and annoyance. I think if this was a standard way of interacting, we would learn how to tap into and express our emotions better, and be better able to handle honest rejection. Food for thought!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego