Buy Empowerment for Girls & Young Women this Holiday

I am not much into fashion. I wouldn’t know a ______ from a ______. (That’s how much I don’t know about fashion – I couldn’t even think of something clever to fill in the blanks. Apparently I need to watch more Sex and the City). What I do know is that how we dress and present ourselves to the world is a way to create our identity, place, and status. Women and men both do this through their choice of fashion, although the emphasis on appearance is greater for women, from underwear to outerwear.

A recent spoof on Victoria’s Secret unveiled a desire that young women have for empowering sexual messages in fashion. For many years Victoria’s Secret has had a “PINK” line of underwear and clothes, with panties displaying slogans like “Sure Thing.” Last week, a women’s anti-rape group created a mock online store, called “Pink Loves Consent,” designed to encourage healthy body image and consent during sex. These panties, worn by models of all sizes, read, Respect, Consent is Sexy, and I Love My Body, among others. The spoof was so convincing, Victoria’s Secret and social media sites were flooded with messages of support and excitement.

Victoria’s Secret “PINK” line markets to younger women and college women. However, when we’re younger, our fashion choices can have an impact on our developing self-esteem and self-image. And narrow-minded messages for girls and young women aren’t just in the underwear realm, but in the outerwear realm with messages on shirts like:

Allergic to Algebra. Math is Hard. Porn Star in Training. I’m too Pretty to Do Homework so my Brother has to do it for Me. Who Needs Brains when you Have These?

Why aren’t we trying to build the confidence of our young women? Unfortunately the mock Victoria’s Secret line of empowering messages does not exist. But there is a new, family company out of Denver, CO, who is taking on this task as a result of a dad’s disgust with these degrading messages. Keira’s Kollection has created a line of tops with messages like:

Be confident. Be brainy. Intelligent. Athletic. Adventurous. Different. Strong is Beautiful.

Wouldn’t that be a nice message under the Christmas tree this year? If you’d like to break this cycle and purchase an article of clothing with an empowering message for a young girl in your life, check out Keira’s Kollection. On a side note, they haven’t tackled the underwear realm, and I don’t know if they will, but I’d be curious to see what kinds of messages would be appropriate yet encouraging to young women? “I Know How to Please Myself” perhaps?

Obviously I’m impressed with their line and support their cause, and when I told them I was going to mention them in a blog, they kindly offered a 10% discount to my readers and friends until Christmas (use the “DRJENN” promo code!). Research shows that girls’ self-esteem peaks at age 9. I say let’s be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Questions for Erotic Intelligence

Your erotic intelligence is your knowledge, wisdom, and comfort in the erotic arena. I offer 5 questions to get you started in developing erotic intelligence between you and your partner.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sex Therapist

Having a Bad Day? I Call Bullshit

From: http://serafimabogomolova.com/2012/05/a-bad-day-you-bet/Have you ever been around someone who’s having a “bad day”? For whatever reason, some happenings in their day have not gone as planned, and they are in a bad mood. They’ve labeled the whole day as bad. They are not fun to be around, especially if it’s our significant other.

How we define undesirable happenings in our lives is very important. Sure, these happenings are not what we hoped for and they have negative consequences for us. But the extent of those consequences is up to us. If you are viewing the world through dark-colored glasses because you’re having a “bad day,” I guarantee more bad things will happen to you. The amount of “positive” or “negative” you experience every day is largely up to how you perceive and react to events.

Consider that a negative event doesn’t actually make your day bad. It just means that you’ve had a negative incident. It’s an isolated event that doesn’t have to lead to more negativity. The meaning that we ascribe to an event has a large impact on how we actually experience it.

This is relevant in relationships too. If you or your partner perceive unhappy events as ruining a whole day, it can bring you both down. It’s difficult to thrive together unless you both choose to shift to a broader and more optimistic outlook.

If you’re a person who views days as “good” or “bad,” consider how this is impacting your partner, friends, and coworkers. Next consider how you can choose to accept a bad event for what it is and deal with it, without making it bigger than that. One suggestion, if you find your mental path on a downward spiral, is to identify three things to appreciate that day. Know that it will make you and everyone around you happier.

(This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's Relationship & Sex Blog series.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Therapist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

Sex During the Holidays & Vibrantly You

Why are sex and intimacy during the holidays important and helpful? And how can you make it a priority? I was interviewed along with Dr. Diana Hoppe, my colleague who is the founder of the Vibrantly You: Women's Wellbeing Symposium, on San Diego Living today. Dr. Diana shares research on how sex is actually healthy for us, I offer tips for how to bring intimacy into the holiday season, and we discuss the Vibrantly You Symposium on January 18, 2013.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

What is Your LOVE Language?

What does it take to fill your love tank? As cheesy as this terminology is, it’s actually a pretty appropriate way to check in with how loved, appreciated, and connected you feel in your relationship. Knowing your “love language” gives you insights into why you choose to be in an intimate relationship, how you like to interact, and what fills your love tank.

From: http://www.edenlifemag.com/2011/10/5-love-languages/Consider this scenario: A wife is upset that her husband doesn’t express his love and affection for her. She complains that he never says that he loves her or that he thinks she’s beautiful. He counters by explaining that of course he loves her, and his actions that day of washing her car and fixing their fence are clearly signs of that. She feels unloved. He feels unappreciated. Both feel frustrated.

A love language is how we can direct our actions and words to meet the deep emotional needs of our partner. Likewise, they can fulfill our needs and reasons for being in an intimate relationship, by speaking our love language. Which of the following ways do you prefer to receive love and attention from a partner? Is that the same way or different than you tend to give love and attention?

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

In the example above, the wife is asking for love through words of affirmation, and the husband is giving love through acts of service. Although they love each other, they are not connecting in their expressions of love. This is unfortunately a common state of affairs in long-term relationships.

To identify you and your partner’s love language, take this short Love Language test. What do you do with this information once you have it? Well, if you want love through quality time and your partner wants love through receiving gifts, take little steps each week to fulfill these needs. For example, you can make sure to bring home a thoughtful gift of appreciation, such as flowers or their favorite treat. Your partner could ensure you schedule quality time together, or make time to debrief at the end of each day. What happens when you and your partner start speaking each other’s love language? You feel romantic. You feel appreciated. You want to do small things to make your partner feel good. It’s an upward spiral of positivity and affection.

I am basing this information on a book by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages. He offers a poignant interpretation of love, and I have seen this book turn relationships around. Even if you’re not in a relationship, Chapman has written many versions of this book, for singles, teenagers, children, men, etc. If this at all resonates with you, do yourself a favor and read this book.

(This was originally posted as part of the Relationship & Sex Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Therapist