Dr. Jenn's Blog

Do you know HOW to be a good friend?

2013-05-22T05:16:36Z

Are you the kind of friend, partner, or family member who others turn to, to share a story about how they felt ashamed? What I mean is, do you provide a sounding board of understanding and compassion when a loved one feels humilated, shamed, or embarrassed? Or does your reaction to their shame further accentuate their pain and discomfort? This can be a tough situation to know how to respond to properly, because we can feel very uncomfortable ourselves.

Consider this situation: a close friend or relationship partner calls to tell you about how their boss talked down to them during a meeting and they started crying. They tell you that they feel humilated by how their boss spoke to them in front of others and feel ashamed that they cried publicly. Brene Brown, in her wonderful book, The Gifts of Imperfection, writes about six ways that are NOT supportive responses. See if you find yourself in here:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there)....

3. The friend who needs you to the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" Or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass."

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be 'crazy' and make terrible choices: "You're exaggerating. It's wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you."

6. The friend who confuses "connection" with the opportunity to one-up you. "That's nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!"

Did you recogize yourself in any of these? Or did you think of a loved one with whom you shared a shameful story, only to have them respond in such a way that wasn't comforting? It's an act of courage when we share an embarrassing story, or when someone shares with us, but few of us learn how to provide a space of compassion and support. Brene Brown writes that speaking out about shameful experiences keeps them from growing and becoming even worse inside of us.

So what's the best way to respond? Listen deeply. Express empathy. Don't blame the person but also don't try to fix the situation. Make it clear that you are standing with them and let them talk. It may require heightened awareness to manage your response, but I believe it's worth the effort.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality & Relationship Speaker

5 Secrets to Real Intimacy

2013-05-13T23:27:30Z

Dr. Jenn on San Diego Living this morning! (I apologize that the embedding function isn't working well for some unknown reason. View on the San Diego Living site if that works better.)

What is intimacy and why is it important in relationships? I discussed this on San Diego Living and offered 5 "secrets" to help you continue to connect deeply with your partner and honor your relationship.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

Empowering Clothes for Girls: Keira's Kollection

2013-04-16T07:53:58Z

Do we (as a society) want to encourage girls and teens to be strong, confident, and intelligent? If you look at some of the clothing available, you'd think to the contrary. Gratefully a new company, Keira's Kollection, is doing something about that! http://www.keiraskollection.com

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Why We Suck with Personal Growth at First

2013-04-12T03:44:23Z

In 9th grade, I was bumped up from the 9th grade basketball team to the junior varsity team. This was a big honor. It also meant I was held to a higher standard of skills and techniques. I had always had a decent outside shot and was a good free throw shooter. But somewhere along the way I learned to shoot with two hands - a hand evenly placed on each side of the ball. This is not the proper way to shoot for best angle of release, velocity, and trajectory of ball.

Over winter break, my coaches "forced" me to start shooting the proper way, with one hand in front of me and the other gently supporting the side of the ball. This did not feel good and I was continually missing baskets. I recall a contest where we were divided into two teams to compete making free throws under pressure, and I felt responsible for my team losing. I was frustated with my lack of skils and irritated with my coaches for making me "fix" something that I didn't think was broken.

It's not unusal in the personal growth process for things to get worse before they get better. When we break our old patterns and less-than-evolved ways of doing things, we struggle. It's difficult to choose to struggle when we want to just go back to our old comfortable ways. We have to trust that the new, more nuanced way will serve us in the long run.

I know it was worth it. I was willing to stick through the discomfort and embarrassment of shooting poorly and feeling like I was letting my teammates down. After a few weeks of practicing the new way of shooting, my accuracy had improved tremendously. The more I practiced the better I got. And so goes personal growth.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Does Your "O" Face Look Like These?

2013-04-10T06:11:48Z

This is fun video we shot with a group of friends...would your "best case scenario" look like this? Orgasms for all!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

Sex Life for Busy Moms - Dr. Jenn on Ch. 6 San Diego Living

2013-04-09T06:10:13Z

It's OK that sex for many couples is different after having kids. Accept that things have changed, such as your body, free time, priorities, etc., and get creative in how you can prioritize intimacy time. If one person really misses the sex, then this is a concern for both partners. I discuss this topic on San Diego Living and offer some ideas to make small but important shifts.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

Why so many Sperm?

2013-04-02T06:34:32Z

How many sperm do men have in an average ejaculate? Why are there SOOO many?! Learn some interesting facts about sperm to impress your friends.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

What can Women do about Beauty & Aging?

2013-03-26T00:53:07Z

Should women fight the aging process and cling to youth, so that they can feel and be perceived as sexy and attractive? I was interviewed on Channel 6's San Diego Living this morning about an Allure Magazine research study that just came out about beauty, aging, gender, and sex. My first thought is to question the source, since Allure Magazine is a "woman's magazine," which are notorious for emphasizing ideal physical appearance and youth for women. They did hire a marketing research company, but I'd like to get my hands on the survey and see how some of the questions were phrased. Nonetheless, we discuss this on the morning show, and how shifting perspective is the only way women can get off the beauty hamster wheel.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

What is a "Rape Culture"?

2013-03-21T04:50:19Z

http://youthvector.com/celebrating-womens-day-5rape-culture-and-popular-media/You might have heard the term "rape culture" more than usual recently, in light of the conviction of the two high school football players in Steubenville, OH. These two young men were found guilty of raping a young, passed out woman at a party. There was ample social media evidence (including video, texts, and a photo) to show how there were many bystanders as they raped her and how some of the group of men then mocked the girl and the situation.

What is "rape culture" and how is that term relevant here? Rape culture is a term to describe prevailing social norms around gender, sex, and communication that faciliate an implicit acceptance of sexual assault humor and rape circumstances. In a rape culture, sexual coersion is a normalized part of sexual interaction. While this might sound extreme to some people, consider these excerpts from Lauren Nelson in her "So You're Tired of Hearing about 'Rape Culture'" essay:

"Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, no one says, “Stop.”

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, they can’t get anyone to come forward.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and adults are informed of it, but no consequences are doled out because the boys “said nothing happened.”

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and we later find out that their coaches were “joking about it” and “took care of it.”

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and even though there is documentation of the coaching staff sweeping it under the rug, they get to keep their jobs.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and one of the coaches involved in the cover-up threatens a reporter - saying, “You’re going to get yours. And if you don’t get yours, somebody close to you will.” – but the town is more worried about keeping their coaching talent than his integrity.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, but because it happens at a party where both sexes were drinking, complete strangers on the internet argue ferociously that she is to blame for being attacked."

It's hard to ignore when you consider these facts. Being in a rape culture does not mean that as a society we publicly or overtly condone rape. But it does mean that we have a lot of backwards views on gender roles, the importance of athletics, personal responsibiliy, group mentality, sexual interactions, and sex education. We have a lot of shame around sex as a society, which I think is an important underlying component of our inability to think outside the box in difficult situations like Steubenville. Many would rather blame a victim instead of sitting with the discomfort of owning the state of affairs around sex...and then taking a stand to do something different.

If you're a parent out there who is not sure how to talk to your sons about these topics, so that they grow up to be respectful teenagers and men, and know that they have a voice in such situations, read this powerful letter from a mom to her sons.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality/Gender/Mindfulness Speaker

On Mormonism, Mindfulness, & Sex

2013-03-11T05:24:06Z

At last year's AASECT conference (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) I had the pleasure of sitting next to Natasha Helfer Parker at dinner one evening. She is a sex therapist and works specifically with those in the Mormon faith in Wichita, Kansas. She later interviewed me for her podcast show about one of my favorite topics: mindfulness and sex. We discussed how this compliments and contradicts aspects of Mormon beliefs. In my private practice I work with individuals of many religious backgrounds, and I have always believed that the practice of mindfulness is compatible with all faiths. This was the first time that it was brought to my attention that the nonjudmental and acceptance components of mindfulness might conflict with some of the beliefs in the LDS faith.

Listen to the discussion on Mormon Mental Health.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sexuality & Mindfulness Speaker, Sexologist