5 Secrets to Real Intimacy

Dr. Jenn on San Diego Living this morning! (I apologize that the embedding function isn't working well for some unknown reason. View on the San Diego Living site if that works better.)

What is intimacy and why is it important in relationships? I discussed this on San Diego Living and offered 5 "secrets" to help you continue to connect deeply with your partner and honor your relationship.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

What is a "Rape Culture"?

http://youthvector.com/celebrating-womens-day-5rape-culture-and-popular-media/You might have heard the term "rape culture" more than usual recently, in light of the conviction of the two high school football players in Steubenville, OH. These two young men were found guilty of raping a young, passed out woman at a party. There was ample social media evidence (including video, texts, and a photo) to show how there were many bystanders as they raped her and how some of the group of men then mocked the girl and the situation.

What is "rape culture" and how is that term relevant here? Rape culture is a term to describe prevailing social norms around gender, sex, and communication that faciliate an implicit acceptance of sexual assault humor and rape circumstances. In a rape culture, sexual coersion is a normalized part of sexual interaction. While this might sound extreme to some people, consider these excerpts from Lauren Nelson in her "So You're Tired of Hearing about 'Rape Culture'" essay:

"Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, no one says, “Stop.”

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and though there are dozens of witnesses, they can’t get anyone to come forward.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and adults are informed of it, but no consequences are doled out because the boys “said nothing happened.”

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and we later find out that their coaches were “joking about it” and “took care of it.” 

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and even though there is documentation of the coaching staff sweeping it under the rug, they get to keep their jobs.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, and one of the coaches involved in the cover-up threatens a reporter - saying, “You’re going to get yours. And if you don’t get yours, somebody close to you will.” – but the town is more worried about keeping their coaching talent than his integrity.

Rape culture is when a group of athletes rape a young girl, but because it happens at a party where both sexes were drinking, complete strangers on the internet argue ferociously that she is to blame for being attacked."

It's hard to ignore when you consider these facts. Being in a rape culture does not mean that as a society we publicly or overtly condone rape. But it does mean that we have a lot of backwards views on gender roles, the importance of athletics, personal responsibiliy, group mentality, sexual interactions, and sex education. We have a lot of shame around sex as a society, which I think is an important underlying component of our inability to think outside the box in difficult situations like Steubenville. Many would rather blame a victim instead of sitting with the discomfort of owning the state of affairs around sex...and then taking a stand to do something different.

If you're a parent out there who is not sure how to talk to your sons about these topics, so that they grow up to be respectful teenagers and men, and know that they have a voice in such situations, read this powerful letter from a mom to her sons.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality/Gender/Mindfulness Speaker

Singles Awareness Day - February 15

Is Singles Awareness Day just a silly day, to make fun of Valentine's Day and its emphasis on coupledom? Or is it a legitimate reason to celebrate being single and help folks feel better the day after Valentine's Day? I'm guessing that it started as a joke (this day's acronym is S.A.D., afterall), but I think there's actually a lot of value in recognizing this topic.

We learn to put great emphasis on being in a relationship, and that this form of expression completes us. While relationships can be amazing, the good ones take a lot of work and perseverence, and sometimes bring out the worst in us. If you notice that you're feeling down because you wish you had a significant other, take a bit of time to feel that sadness, but don't get stuck in the wallowing. Don't overlook the benefits of being single. Make sure you are prioritizing taking care of yourself, something that is often easier to do when single. Being single is a great opportunity to focus on your purpose and mission in life, your personal growth, and what personally lights you up.

For example, on a day like Singles Awareness Day, or ANY day that you want to take care of yourself, create opportunities to learn new things, challenge yourself, surround yourself with friends, and just have fun. For example, take an art class that has always interested you, join an adult sports league, take a language class, or invite a few friends over for a wine or beer tasting. These are ways to feel like you're in control of your life, while doing something you enjoy and sharing time with others. Also, write a love letter to yourself, describing all your strengths and what you appreciate about you. Treat yourself in a romantic way, just like you would someone else. I have no doubt you deserve it.

The bottom line? Don't wait for things to happen - make something happen! And appreciate every stage and step in life.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Therapist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

One Billion Rising - San Diego 2013

For Valentine's Day this year, take a stand for love in a new way. Stand up, demand change, and dance.

ONE IN THREE WOMEN ON THE PLANET

WILL BE RAPED OR BEATEN IN HER LIFETIME.

ONE BILLION WOMEN VIOLATED IS AN ATROCITY.

ONE BILLION WOMEN DANCING IS A REVOLUTION.

From Foundation for Women: http://www.foundationforwomen.org/On V-Day’s 15th Anniversary, February 14, 2013, we are inviting ONE BILLION women and those who love them to WALK OUT, DANCE, RISE UP, and DEMAND an end to this violence. ONE BILLION RISING will move the earth, activating women and men across every country. V-Day wants the world to see our collective strength, our numbers, our solidarity across borders.

What does ONE BILLION look like? On February 14, 2013, it will look like a REVOLUTION.

ONE BILLION RISING IS:

A global strike
An invitation to dance
A call to men and women to refuse to participate in the status quo until rape and rape culture ends
An act of solidarity, demonstrating to women the commonality of their struggles and their power in numbers
A refusal to accept violence against women and girls as a given

A new time and a new way of being 

San Diego details:

2:14pm - Walk out of work

4:30pm - March downtown starting at City Hall

6:30pm - Speakers, entertainers, & dancing at Organ Pavillion in Balboa Park

Please visit One Billion Rising San Diego or their Facebook Page for all the San Diego details.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Therapist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

How to Be More Vibrantly You!

What does it mean to live "vibrantly?" I looked up the formal definition recently, and read that "vibrant" means vigorous, lively, and vital, or pulsing with energy. This Friday, January 18, 2013, I will be speaking at a women's symposium on women's health, called Vibrantly You: Women's Wellbeing Symposium. This event is about helping women feel more alive both inside and out.

Gratefully women's health has been getting much greater attention in recent years, and there is a lot of research about how to be our most healthy and vibrant selves. This women's health symposium is founded by Dr. Diana Hoppe, who will share her inspirational story, and also speak about what women need to know about heart health and overall wellness. Dr. Jane Bening will clear up myths about women's hormones and hormone replacement therapy, and Dr. Tess Mauricio will speak about developing beauty on the inside and outside.

I will be wrapping up the lectures with an interative presenation about bringing mindfulness into your life for more fulfilling sexuality and greater passion! We'll complete the event with a parel discussion, fielding questions from the audience. I think when it comes down to it, the moments that we feel most alive are the most exciting and the most meaningful. However, it can be difficult to get out of the ruts and resentments of every day life. This event promises to stir things up and give women knowledge and tools to pulse with energy!

Vibranty You, Friday, January 18, 2013, 8am - 12:30pm, La Costa Resort, Carlsbad, CA.

As a friend of Dr. Jenn, you can receive a $22 discount with this "R & D" code. Register at the Vibranty You website, and I'll see you this Friday!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist