Do you know HOW to be a good friend?

Are you the kind of friend, partner, or family member who others turn to, to share a story about how they felt ashamed? What I mean is, do you provide a sounding board of understanding and compassion when a loved one feels humilated, shamed, or embarrassed? Or does your reaction to their shame further accentuate their pain and discomfort? This can be a tough situation to know how to respond to properly, because we can feel very uncomfortable ourselves.

Consider this situation: a close friend or relationship partner calls to tell you about how their boss talked down to them during a meeting and they started crying. They tell you that they feel humilated by how their boss spoke to them in front of others and feel ashamed that they cried publicly. Brene Brown, in her wonderful book, The Gifts of Imperfection, writes about six ways that are NOT supportive responses. See if you find yourself in here:

1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there)....

3. The friend who needs you to the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.

4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" Or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass."

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be 'crazy' and make terrible choices: "You're exaggerating. It's wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you."

6. The friend who confuses "connection" with the opportunity to one-up you. "That's nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!"

Did you recogize yourself in any of these? Or did you think of a loved one with whom you shared a shameful story, only to have them respond in such a way that wasn't comforting? It's an act of courage when we share an embarrassing story, or when someone shares with us, but few of us learn how to provide a space of compassion and support. Brene Brown writes that speaking out about shameful experiences keeps them from growing and becoming even worse inside of us.

So what's the best way to respond? Listen deeply. Express empathy. Don't blame the person but also don't try to fix the situation. Make it clear that you are standing with them and let them talk. It may require heightened awareness to manage your response, but I believe it's worth the effort.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality & Relationship Speaker

5 Secrets to Real Intimacy

Dr. Jenn on San Diego Living this morning! (I apologize that the embedding function isn't working well for some unknown reason. View on the San Diego Living site if that works better.)

What is intimacy and why is it important in relationships? I discussed this on San Diego Living and offered 5 "secrets" to help you continue to connect deeply with your partner and honor your relationship.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

Empowering Clothes for Girls: Keira's Kollection

Do we (as a society) want to encourage girls and teens to be strong, confident, and intelligent? If you look at some of the clothing available, you'd think to the contrary. Gratefully a new company, Keira's Kollection, is doing something about that! http://www.keiraskollection.com

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Why We Suck with Personal Growth at First

In 9th grade, I was bumped up from the 9th grade basketball team to the junior varsity team. This was a big honor. It also meant I was held to a higher standard of skills and techniques. I had always had a decent outside shot and was a good free throw shooter. But somewhere along the way I learned to shoot with two hands - a hand evenly placed on each side of the ball. This is not the proper way to shoot for best angle of release, velocity, and trajectory of ball.

Over winter break, my coaches "forced" me to start shooting the proper way, with one hand in front of me and the other gently supporting the side of the ball. This did not feel good and I was continually missing baskets. I recall a contest where we were divided into two teams to compete making free throws under pressure, and I felt responsible for my team losing. I was frustated with my lack of skils and irritated with my coaches for making me "fix" something that I didn't think was broken.

It's not unusal in the personal growth process for things to get worse before they get better. When we break our old patterns and less-than-evolved ways of doing things, we struggle. It's difficult to choose to struggle when we want to just go back to our old comfortable ways. We have to trust that the new, more nuanced way will serve us in the long run.

I know it was worth it. I was willing to stick through the discomfort and embarrassment of shooting poorly and feeling like I was letting my teammates down. After a few weeks of practicing the new way of shooting, my accuracy had improved tremendously. The more I practiced the better I got. And so goes personal growth.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Does Your "O" Face Look Like These?

This is fun video we shot with a group of friends...would your "best case scenario" look like this? Orgasms for all!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker