I am visiting my family in Pennsylvania right now and have come home to a local controversy about the opening of a new sex-related store in West Chester, PA. Jill McDevitt, a recent college grad pursuing a Masters in Human Sexuality, opened the pink-facaded Feminique Boutique one month ago. It's been a rocky month with lots of local publicity (e.g., Philadelphia Inquirer article). The Feminique Boutique takes a stand for viewing sex as a natural and healthy aspect of being human, and female friendly sexuality. So what's the problem? Some community members are up in arms because the store is a block from a Catholic church and school and they believe that they need to protect their children from the immorality of a sex store. Here are my thoughts on this:

Sex is powerful. No one can deny this. It can also be scary. The consequences of misusing this power are important to discuss. I think it is imperative for parents to have discussions with their children about values, responsibility, and body changes, and to set boundaries if they do not want their children watching certain shows or visiting certain stores. We want to protect our children; no one is arguing about that. But from what are we protecting our children? Using this argument to attack the Feminique Boutique is based on misplaced fear, and I would like to call forth critical thinking in the place of knee-jerk reactions.

Many other countries teach that sex is a normal, natural, and healthy aspect of being human. Unfortunately our society does not embrace this perspective. This does not mean that we should take sex lightly and not consider the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual ramifications. However, other countries that do not view sex as an innately “dirty” act have lower rates of unwanted teenage pregnancies and STDs than the United States. This speaks volumes to the harm we are doing to our future generations by “protecting” them from information. Research continually shows that accurate, honest information and communication around sex and sexuality teaches children and teens to be critical thinkers and postpone sexual activity while also being safer about the sexual choices that they do make. The owner of the Feminique Boutique is a wonderful example of a responsible and respectful sexual educator, who also embraces the light and fun aspects of this very human activity.

Women and couples who use sex-related toys are not morally bankrupt or lacking maturity. Toys and gadgets are a great way to deepen self-knowledge, communication, and creativity around sexual activities. In longer term relationships and marriages, it is unfortunately common for one or both partners to lose sexual interest. Toys, play, and creativity are valuable methods to maintain or rekindle sex as a healthy form of intimacy.

Aside from the light and fun aspects, sex can be a serious topic. And exposing our children to sex-related materials in irresponsible ways is scary. However, I do believe that some folks are so scared of the Feminique Boutique because if we have more public discourse around sexuality, through frank discussions of it as a natural human activity, they might have to face their own deep-seated fears around their sexual desires, activities, or thoughts. Because we still have so much shame and secrecy around sex, this can be a terrifying prospect. Yet it offers the possibility of greater self-love and deep connections.

I understand wanting to spiritually protect children as well. My specialty is actually spiritual sexuality and approaching sexuality in a holistic way, meaning physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual. This is how we really honor and validate ourselves as humans, so that we can love ourselves deeply, be fully connected in our relationships, and be of service to our communities. True spiritual and moral growth does not emanate from external control, but through learning to trust and love ourselves and explore the depth of our being. Misplaced fear and limiting communication does not empower our youth and empower our communities. No, I am not arguing that sex toys for children equates with spiritual growth and empowerment. I am requesting that we put our fear and ignorance in check and dig deeper before making judgments.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com