A friend recently told me about her agony in seeing an ex-boyfriend at a social event. He wants to be friends with her, since they broke up a few months ago. But seeing him makes her feel nauseous. She experiences pain and sorrow, and a yearning deep in her being for what was, or what could have been. She had to excuse herself to go to the restroom to cry.

Unfortunately I know this feeling all too well. And I know that it feels like the earth has been pulled out from under your feet.

She asked me what was wrong with her and why she couldn't just move on and be friends like him. She didn't know why she can't be around him and why it feels so painful. And she asked me whether it was immature of her to ask that they not have contact with each other and to not be his friend.

I told her I thought it was actually quite mature to be able to honor the depth of her emotions and allow herself the space to heal. Sometimes someone touches our heart so deeply that our pain is too intense for a casual relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that this person is "the one," but it does mean that they moved us in ways we didn't think possible. I know women and men who expose themselves to such pain regularly, with a facade of acceptance for the break-up. At a deeper and unacknowledged level, though, they are still clinging to hope to be together again.

If this resonates with you, give yourself the space you need and honor your process. This doesn't mean wallow in sorrow, but to remove yourself from situations that pick at your wound, until it has time to heal. This can be done in a very mature way of requesting no contact from your former partner, while apologizing because you do not mean to hurt them by not being their friend right now. This can also help avoid building resentment for the other person, while you can build emotion stability and holistic balance.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Female Sexual Empowerment
www.drjennsden.com