Summer Lovin' - Quick Guide to Summer Romance

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Summer loving had me a blast,

Summer loving happened so fast,

I met a girl crazy for me,

Met a boy cute as can be...

What is it about summer time that seems to make us feel more romantic? San Diego Living (Ch. 6) brought me in to discuss this as we launch into summer time. Is it the warmer days? Longer daylight? Less clothing? Nostalgic feelings? All of the above! I also share some tips about harnassing the sensual feeling of summer to ignite your summer romance.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, & Sociologist

Stop Being Boring! Ideas to Romance Your Partner

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It can be easy to get in a rut when showing your love and affection to your partner. I offer suggestions around building sensuality, expressing appreciation, creating sexy time, and filling your partner's love bucket. Softcup Menstrual Cup company brought me in to be their expert for their February Month of Love - fun folks there, doing good work!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker

Top 5 Questions Women Ask a Sex Counselor

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Sex is fun…and complicated! While there are a lot of biological components of sexuality, there are also a lot of social, mental and emotional aspects. These often get in the way of enjoying the pleasures of our bodies and the potential for deep connections with others. As a Relationship and Intimacy Counselor, I receive many questions from women about their sex lives; below are five of the most common questions I receive.

1. Am I normal? Is what we’re doing normal?

These questions come from a fear of being judged or not feeling good enough. There may be sexual statistical averages around activities and frequency and tastes, but what really matters is what you like and don’t like, and the same for your partner. You could be perfectly “average” and “normal,” but still have a miserable sex life! Each individual and couple needs to create their own “normal” based on their preferences, needs and desires.

2. Why don’t I feel desire any more? How can I feel passion again?

It is really common for women in long-term relationships to lose their desire. Desire is a tricky thing that we tend to take for granted in the early stages of a relationship. But once those neurochemicals wear off, most women and couples don’t know what to do. The first step is to redefine desire from something that happens to you, to something that you can cultivate. What primes your pump? By this I mean, what can your partner do that helps you feel open to being sexual? Is it doing the dishes for you, massaging your shoulders, or having an eye-to-eye conversation? Focus on what makes you feel loved and nurtured and also makes your partner seem appealing. The second thing you can do is to take responsibility for your own desire. What puts you in the mood, such as reading erotica, fantasizing, or touching yourself? Do these things regularly to kick-start your libido.

3. How can I request my sexual needs without feeling embarrassed?

Read the rest of this blog that I wrote for the Softcup Blog HERE.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

Why Couples Need to Have Date Nights!

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If intimacy or quality time are not happening on their own in your relationship, then you need to make them happen!

Two cool therapists in Phoenix interviewed me for this new podcast show, Mission: Date Night. We were so in alignment with our perspectives on intimacy, gender, relationships, and sex - it was a lovely conversation. I shared my perspectives on what I think are ingredients for an amazing relationship (can you guess?), how and why to create the opportunity for intimacy through date nights, and I even shared what I consider my perfect date (can you guess this one too??). You can listen to the podcast interview and discussion below:

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, National Public Speaker

How to Make Sex Resolutions that Stick for the New Year

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What's not working in your sex or intimate life? What makes you unhappy, disconnected, or unsatisfied? Start there, when you're brainstorming on you sexual intentions for the new year. The article link below through Shape Magazine has many ideas for the new year. I was interviewed for this article, and have lots of my suggestions sprinkled throughout. May your new year be filled with passion, fun, and connection. :)

 

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

3 Top Libido-Busters...and what to do about them: A love scientist’s guide

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This blog post is compliments of guest blogger Duana C. Welch, PhD!

Has your sexual get-up-and-go gotten up and gone? Low desire is women’s top self-reported sexual problem—and the toughest to treat. Here are three top libido busters, and what to do if this is you.

What a shame

Shame—the deep sense that something is wrong with us—is not our friend; it undermines our efforts in many areas of our lives. A key area is our sexuality. Are you embarrassed by your body, and worried about a partner’s acceptance of it? You can’t focus on your bra size and your pleasure!

Instead, notice shameful feelings as they arise, and redirect your thoughts to something more reality-based: “I’m feeling ashamed of my body, but my partner wants me—I am desired and desirable.”

Another aspect of shame is your sexual beliefs. Do you think sex is something “nice women” don’t (or shouldn’t) enjoy? Do you think your genitals are disgusting, something nobody should want to touch? Low desire is often related to beliefs taught to us by parents and society. Unfortunately, in our zeal to keep girls innocent, we often convey ideas that won’t serve them well as adults.

The way to address this is the same as for body shame: notice and redirect. “I’m feeling shame about wanting sex, but it’s normal, natural, and healthy for a grown woman to want and enjoy sexual connection. I deserve sexual pleasure.”

Ghosts from the past

I’m sure it won’t surprise you that rape and sexual abuse can dampen a woman’s desire for years after. Yet most women apparently move through these issues without therapy. That said, if you need help, make sure you get it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to help women overcome past abuses and get their groove back.  If you have insurance, choose a provider who offers it.

Partner problems

It’s been said that for women, everything our partner says and does is foreplay—and it’s true. Many women with low desire are having partner issues that include feeling low trust in, or low love and respect from, our mate.  If you and your partner need to get back on track with some great relationship skills, the top science-backed therapy is Gottman Method Couples Counseling. Whether you both attend, or you have to go it alone, you can find a therapist using this link.

There are many causes of low libido, and unfortunately, there’s no magic cure that deals with them all.  Ultimately, though, a little mental floss, and perhaps some therapy, can help deal with these top causes so you can get your groove back. 

[Duana C. Welch, PhD, is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, releasing on January 7, 2015; read more and get a free chapter here.]

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker