Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
Sexual communication with a partner can be difficult for so many reasons: embarrassment, shame, fear of hurting their feelings, discomfort with vulnerability, or not knowing the right words to use. But not talking about sex concerns does not make those problems go away. Dr. Jenn discusses these from a bed on San Diego Living!
Read MoreThe holidays are intended to be about love, connection, peace, and appreciation. What do many people experience, though? Stress, frustration, disappointment, and distraction. It's common for the couples I work with as clients to lose their focus and priorities...
Read More"We live in a culture in which women’s sexuality is a commodity…women being consumed by men." Jaclyn Friedman from Sex in America: Beyond Prudes, Sluts, & Players.
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Sexting has gotten a bad rap. And it's often considered something only the young or newly dating do, so it's dismissed as trivial. But when I was recently interviewed for Shape Magazine online about sexting for married couples, I was thrilled to share some tips and tricks and give sexting some validation! Here are a couple of the points I offered:
"Men tend to enjoy more explicit sexual references and don't find it embarrassing, so the more you just decide to own your choice to be flirty and trust your husband's response, the more fun you both can have with it," says Jenn Gunsaullus, Ph.D., a sociologist and intimacy counselor in San Diego, CA. Plus, that unfamiliar feeling that may be making you hesitate is actually what makes it such great foreplay: The element of surprise and newness can be sexually exciting, she adds.
"The mind is our main sex organ, and choosing the right flirty words to seduce your partner can make them feel very desired," Gunsaullus explains.
Read the entire article 6 Tips for Sexting Up Your Marriage by Rachael Schultz, about the whys and hows of sexting your long term partner!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist
With the start of the school year, it's not a bad idea to use this time to take stock of your relationship, and make sure you're still on track and deeply in love. I discuss three R's of long-term long, including Reassess, Recognize, and Romance, with Marc Bailey on San Diego Living. What would your R's be? :)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sexual Health Speaker, Sociologist
You’ve probably experienced this before—you’re having a regular, nice, normal conversation with your partner, and suddenly they are pissed off at you. Or, your partner is already unhappy about something unrelated to you, so you’re talking to them and offering support. But without warning, you now see anger on their face that is directed at you. What happened?!
In any relationship, and especially early in a relationship, you can’t necessarily predict what is going to trigger your partner’s insecurities or patterns, and how they are going to interpret something that otherwise seems benign to you. And when they react with hurt or anger, it may leave you flustered, confused, and defensive. But instead of being reactive, try nicely asking these two questions:
1. What could I have done or said differently?
2. Why is this important to you (or what does this mean to you)?
Asking questions like this is helpful because it’s a total pattern-interrupt for both of you. You have the opportunity do something different, stay present in the moment, and both bring some structure and rationale to an emotionally triggered situation. Then, by asking what you could have done differently, you get the opportunity to get into the head of your partner, and find out what he/she needed in that moment or was expecting. This also makes your partner take responsibility for coming up with a potential solution, instead of just being pissed off. The second question gets to the heart of why your partner was triggered. Did they think you were talking down to them? Trying to “fix” the situation? Implying they were stupid? Or that you didn’t care about them? Listen carefully when they share their interpretation and meaning of that interaction, and don’t rush to defend your actions. And then apologize.
Hopefully, by allowing your partner to speak their truth in that moment and listening with genuine interest instead of defensiveness, they feel heard and understood. And you can now gently share about your thoughts and intentions, and come to a better understanding as a couple overall. I suggest sharing these questions with your partner so that you can both use these as a tool to work through conflict and stay powerful as a team.
Hugs,
Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist | Sociologist | Sexuality Speaker
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
