The Empathy Experiment

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The topic of empathy comes up quite a bit in my counseling work. Which makes a lot of sense.  If we want to better understand our partners, connect deeper with others, or even have compassion for ourselves, expanding our practice of empathy is vital.

Empathy means putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It's about recognizing that we are all vulnerable and that we all are so much alike as humans. I think there's an important distinction between sympathy, which can have a condescending feel, and empathy, which is literally feeling like another (as much as possible). They often both involve compassion, but empathy is on an equal footing, and sympathy can be hierarchical. Although we might have different innate abilities around empathy, it is something that can be taught and learned.

A university in the Midwest recently chose six students to participate in a non-credit project called the Empathy Experiment. Research has shown a dramatic decrease in empathy in college students, particularly in the past 10 years.  In an attempt to build greater understanding of the working poor, the students were progressively exposed to more challenging circumstances, including a night without eating and spending a night in a homeless shelter.  It seems that the goal of students' challenging assumptions and better understanding the perspective of others was realized. To read more about this, visit the Empathy Experiment.

Self-soothing Techniques

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Being in Control of Overwhelming Emotions

“I just get so angry and then all hell breaks loose!”

“I feel so anxious at work and start crying at the littlest criticism.”

“When my boyfriend doesn’t call me back quickly, I just freak out and send 40 texts.”

Human emotions are strong. This is great when they feel positive like joy, excitement, and happiness. But when the emotions are uncomfortable, we may not know what to do with them and consequently feel out of control.

Adults who are able to smoothly (and authentically) handle strong uncomfortable emotions are skilled in what are called self-soothing techniques. A self-soothing technique is a way to be present with a challenging emotion while also having choice about how you react to it. It is not about repressing your feelings or numbing yourself with alcohol or emotional eating. It is about acknowledging the ebb and flow of emotions, knowing that you are ok, and choosing to calm yourself in a healthy way.

To build your skills in self-soothing, I recommend a few simple practices to try, to see what works best for you. One that is possible to do in all situations is intentional deep breathing. Breathe in from your diaphragm to a count of four, pause for a moment, and the exhale to a count of four. Self-massage is another great self-soothing technique, whether rubbing your hands, wrists, feet, or forehead. Music can have a powerful pull over our emotions. Have a few songs that you know make you feel good always at hand and play them if you start feeling overwhelmed with an emotion. Journal writing is also a powerful way to be present with uncomfortable feelings. And remind yourself that you’re ok and that this emotion will pass.

Please don’t feel embarrassed if this is something you want to work on (or if you do, just self-soothe your way through those emotions ;). From children to adults, we all go through a process of learning how to soothe ourselves in healthy ways. Emotions come and go; often quickly, if we let them.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

New Year for Growth through Compassion

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"I'm doing so well! This personal growth stuff is a piece of cake and feels good!"

"Crap. I screwed up again. I suck at this stuff and just can't do it right."

Two steps forward and one step back. This makes sense. Personal growth is a learning and integration process. Part of the process is stumbling. If you already knew the path and had the answers, you would be at your destination. But it truly is a journey not a destination; a journey that involves pulling back layers, acceptance, and continually choosing to be on your journey.

I was working with a male client who wanted to be kinder to his girlfriend. He often snapped at her in frustration, despite being deeply in love with her. He was mimicking the patterns from his upbringing. His commitment to this unlearning and new learning allowed for impressive progress. However, on one occasion when we spoke, he was bemoaning a recent snapping incident and harshly blaming himself. We spoke about shifting from blaming to responsibility, and how to engage in personal growth with compassion.

Cheri Huber, Buddhist teacher, writes, "Rejection does not lead to compassion. Compassion leads to compassion. Rejection leads to rejection."

Mentally abusing yourself only adds fuel to the fire of negativity and frustration. Perhaps it would be helpful to view the "one step back" as actually a "step to the side." With your two steps forward, you will have new perspective on your patterns, even when it feels like you're still repeating them. This side view can allow the space for reflection and analysis, instead of rejection and negativity.

It's impossible to know where your personal growth journey will lead. What is possible to know is that you will stumble on the journey - and that's alright.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Patience - A Gift for All Times

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Patience. Waiting. Anticipation.

I'm waiting right now for a client who is stuck in traffic. It's a nice opportunity to take a few deep breaths. I don't "naturally" do this when waiting. I have to remind myself to make this shift to ease, appreciation, and patience when my "this is not efficient!" buttons are pushed.

I'm reminded of the patience - and excitement - leading up to Christmas when I was 10 years old. My sister, cousin, and I snooped into my grandparents' bedroom and found our gift of super hero UNDEROOS under the bed. We were ecstatic with the find! And then we got caught. What we didn't understand at the time was that our impatience was disrespectful to our grandparents.

Recognizing and accepting that all things have a particular time path is helpful in my work with clients and students. I can't PUSH someone to do emotional or mental exploration that isn't right for them. Patience is respect for the process and respect for others. All things in due time. I don't have the "truth" or the answers. I am here to be patience during guidance, acceptance, and motivation.

Who could you offer the gift of patience to this holiday season?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego