Whoa, this just got uncomfortable, I thought to myself.

Is there any place for men’s sexual energy in the workplace? (Photo Attribution: Andrew Cuomo by Pat Arnow.jpeg: Pat Arnowderivative work: UpstateNYer, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons)

I was standing and speaking to a group of powerful, primarily white, male business owners, and I had just suggested that they should be responsible and turn off their sexual energy in the workplace.

And from their uncomfortable murmurs and the sudden shift in energy in the room, it was clear that they were not pleased with my suggestion.

It was a few months after the #MeToo floodgates had opened, when we’d hit a tipping point societally in how seriously we took the ongoing sexual harassment experienced by women. I had been asked to speak to this group of business leaders on how they could address #MeToo in their workplaces.

My talk focused on what they could do as leaders because they could have the most impact on cultivating company culture. My biggest concern with male business leaders at the time, as a sociologist and women’s rights advocate, was that the fear and vulnerability they were feeling with #MeToo would make them less likely to mentor or even hire women or people of color.

In my talk, I taught skills in cultivating presence and awareness, asking questions through the lens of curiosity with the goal of understanding, practicing the mindset of “generous intent” and giving the benefit of the doubt on all sides of the discussion, and developing an awareness of their own vulnerability so they could cultivate compassion.

My hope was to help make their companies more hospitable for women to feel safe and thrive, which in the long run would likely make their businesses grow and thrive. It would also mean they were “good men” by taking the high road of integrity and personal growth, even when it was hard.

As a final point in my talk, I thought I would be remiss if I didn’t address the “energy” aspect of this topic, in terms of their responsibility around the sexual energy they bring to and cultivate in their workplaces. Despite “sexual energy” sounding like a woo-woo Southern Californian belief, we’ve probably all felt that charge of desire with a partner. It can feel like electricity in the air and we can sometimes feel it from others. When sexual energy is present in ourselves, we may feel a yearning for connection and also confident and full of life.

After providing a bit of description and context to this idea, I simply said, “You need to shut that shit down in your workplace.”

I truly did not expect the negative response I received. In retrospect, I can see how naive that was. And although this happened in 2018, I was reminded of it last week.

Yeah, I can totally see him doing that.

That was my first thought when I heard the sexual harassment allegations against New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. He’s got that old-school East Coast blunt male politician persona, some of which I appreciate, like during his daily press conferences in the early horrors of the pandemic in spring of 2020. Sadly though, sexually harassing women can also be part of that persona.

It got me thinking about what can be done to stop this pattern, that isn’t being done already.

My friend and colleague, Nick Karras, is an older man who is a photographer, and a while back he took on the project of creating photography books of vulvas. As individual women lay down and dropped trou, he took up-close photos of their vulvas. For his second vulva book project, I was one of his subjects. He and his wife at the time did a fantastic job of making me feel safe and comfortable.

As they were good friends of mine, we talked afterward about what this experience was like for him as a man. He was incredibly mindful of shutting off his sexual energy during the photoshoots. He knew that if he was turned on, he might do or say something that could make a woman feel uncomfortable. Even his energy of feeling sexually aroused could have an impact on the safety she felt, and since each woman was choosing to be vulnerable by being a vulva subject, he wanted to fundamentally honor and respect that

He also said that as an overwise highly sexual man, shutting down his sexual energy like that over a period of time took a toll on him. He felt out of balance, depleted, and like he was suppressing a vital part of himself.

I’ve worked with clients over the years -- males and females -- who wanted to regulate their sexual energy for some reason. For example, a female massage therapist going into client’s homes, who wasn’t sure if she was getting a sexual vibe from a male client and wanted to make sure she wasn’t giving or receiving sexual energy. Or a husband who felt like he was disappointing his wife by feeling less desire than her, and wanted to approach the topic from many angles including consciously cultivating his sexual energy.

One suggestion I make is for clients to sit quietly for a few minutes before they interact with others and take deep relaxing breaths. Then I suggest that they visualize a 0 to 100 gauge in their lower abdomen. “Visualize this as your sexual energy gauge. Wherever the gauge is from 0 to 100, imagine the gauge getting turned all the way down to zero. You will not be giving off any sexual energy, and you won’t be receiving any sexual energy. What does that feel like? Now imagine it getting turned up to 80, 90, or 100. What does that feel like? Play with this energy and turn it to a set point that feels right.”

They said it helped. Was this all in their head? Maybe. But awareness, intention, and a sense of agency matter.

Should men like Andrew Cuomo be mindful of shutting down THEIR sexual energy in the workplace?

And why were the men attending my 2018 talk seemingly offended by my suggestion that they intentionally shut off their sexual energy?

I asked one male friend recently, and he thought that perhaps they felt emasculated by both my suggestion and the thought of ever not being sexual men. Like their sexual expression and their confidence as men (in all contexts) were intimately entwined.

Then I reached out to Nick Karras and asked him for more details about why he thought shutting down his sexual energy was problematic. He said, “You can’t take the sexual energy out of a man and expect him to still be powerful.” Is this true for all men, I wondered?

Our conversation led me to these two questions:

Can we separate male power from male sexual energy? I do think there are powerful men who do this well. But I’m wondering if this comes naturally to them or if they had to train themselves to do it?

Is there a way for men to still feel good about being sexual beings and enjoy the vitality of sexual energy, but not be irresponsible with it in the workplace and impose their sexual energy on those who do not want it?

Research consistently finds that men overperceive sexual interest from women they are attracted to, even when the woman did not feel sexual interest. But this research is often conducted on young college men with less emotional maturity and life experience. Can more mature men with power and who are feeling sexual learn to tell the difference between what another is feeling and what they are projecting?

Researchers have also found that most women presume they would react with anger or walk away if faced with sexual harassment in the workplace. But what did they experience in studies where they were actually face-to-face with a workplace harasser? Surprise. And fear.

I don’t have the answers. I know this may be frustrating for you as the reader. But my intent here is to raise questions that could address this problem in more nuanced ways.

I do think it’s normal for many folks of any gender identity to walk through their days feeling sexual energy. They can feel vitality and power from this. But I think it’s important to be aware of the potential negative consequences of that energy on others, in order to create respectful and trustworthy workplaces.

Like I said before, awareness, intention, and a sense of agency matter… for everyone involved.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker, & Executive Communication Coach