Breaking Patterns - Building Healthy Relationships

It can be challenging to avoid falling into old patterns at the start of a new relationship. The excitement, new-ness, hormones, and wanting to present yourself in the best light, can create a context where old patterns are resurfacing without you realizing.

Sometimes after a relationship breaks up, you can look back and see small (or perhaps large) ways that you were not being true to yourself. I recommend making a list of questions to prepare for yourself ahead of time; start by analyzing where and how you think you lost part of yourself in past relationships. Did you agree with everything your new partner offered and said so as not to make waves? Did you use alcohol as a social lubricant to make sexual encounters less fraught with self-consciousness? Did you start spending every available moment with this person, to the detriment of friendships and other obligations?

We all have patterns and ruts that can lead to the same unwanted outcomes, irritations, and disappointments in the long run. If this resonates with you, here are some specific questions to get you started so you can check in with yourself as you’re getting into a new relationship:

• Am I voicing my needs? In a responsible, honest way?
• Do I feel out of balance? This includes physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually?
• Am I reacting to irritations from a past relationship, without giving this person a chance?
• What is my intuition telling me as to whether this is a healthy relationship for me?
• Do I respect this person? Do they respect me?
• Am I afraid to be vulnerable and express my true self?
• Does this person bring out the best in me?
• Am I taking care of and nurturing myself?

Add questions that are relevant to your patterns. Pull this list out when you have started a new relationship. Be gentle when answering your questions. This is definitely not about beating yourself up, but about staying grounded, authentic, and present in your new relationship and on your path of building healthy relationships.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Girltalk Blogging - Soulful Conversations for Women

I am doing a three-month stint as the 30-something blogger for Girltalk, the educational, inspirational, and edgy website by Inspirational Catalyst Christine Arylo. Christine motivates us to be real, trust ourselves, and love ourselves -- and support each other in the process through soulful conversations.

The blog topic for the beginning of April is: What's hardest and what's most exciting about today's crazy economy? If you're looking to redefine success and happiness on your own terms, check it out HERE!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Erotic Play Lecture at San Diego Mensa Regional Gathering

Erotic Play - Making Intimacy Sexier
at the San Diego Mensa Regional Gathering

The opportunities for pleasure and fun in intimacy are limited only by our creativity. Learn how to tap into a holistic perspective to improve sensuality, explore the options of sexual toys, and delve into the world of fantasy. This interactive workshop will leave attendees ready to apply new ideas to their own sensual living.

Date: May 23, 2009
Time: 3:30-4:30pm
Place: San Diego Hilton Mission Valley

For more information, visit HERE.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Sex Sells - Except When You're Selling Sex

Is it true that sex sells? I was recently the call-in sex expert for a radio show back in my home state of PA. The show is called Sex & Sensibility with host Jill McDevitt, the owner of the Feminique Boutique erotic store. Our topic of discussion was economics, spending, marketing, and sexuality.

I shared the example of when I co-owned Zip Zap Toys, an erotic product company for women, and we were buying advertising space to announce workshops in the San Diego Reader. The Reader is bursting with the plastic surgery ads, photos of women in bikinis, and also has ads for male sexual enhancement products. We, however, were not allowed to say what we actually sold, but were instructed to call the products "marital aids." The only way I was able to get any semblance of the word "sex" in the ad about female sexual empowerment and education was because I am a "sexual health educator." The double standard was loud and clear.

Jill shared a recent story of advertising for her company. She found that local newspapers would publish ads of women in bikinis for bars, cars, and even something as nonsexual as lamps. But when she attempted to place an ad for her erotic store with a pin-up style model photo, she was told it was too risque. The clear message here? Women's sexuality can be used to sell everything except for education and empowerment of positive women's sexuality.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Deepen the Intimacy and Fun Communication with your Partner

This Wednesday, at Tango Wine Company in Little Italy (San Diego), I'm teaching a light and interactive couples workshop, just in time for Valentine's Day.

I will guide couples through fun exercises and enlightening discussion to deepen your intimacy, improve your authentic communication, and spark your connection.

• Tips for increasing sensuality
• Learn more about your sexual landscape (Did you know you had a sexual landscape?? :)
• Sexual Fun Facts
• Laughter and wine

Date: Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Time: 6:30 - 8:30pm
Price: $25 per couple
Place: Tango Wine, 2161 India Street, 92101

Each person will receive a complimentary glass of wine and snacks!

Contact Dr. Jenn to reserve you space at 858-880-5944 or Jennifer@drjennsden.com.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Awakening to Sexual Self-Love

With all the images and messages of love in the media this month, why not take the time to awaken to your own sexual self-love? What does that even mean?

I wrote an article for the February Issue of "Vision Magazine" on this topic, while delving into body-image, meditative masturbation, and self-expression. I've posted the beginning of the article here, with the link at the bottom if you would like the read the entire piece.
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Learning to love ourselves can be a challenging task and a long journey. Lying at the core of self-love are the abilities to know ourselves, like ourselves, and appreciate our strengths, while accepting our weaknesses. Expanding self-love into the sexual arena can offer even more avenues for personal growth. Unfortunately for many people, self-love and sexuality are mutually exclusive. Sexuality is often relegated to its own discrete box and does not receive the same knowledge, appreciation, and acceptance as the development of self-love and personal transformation in other areas of our lives.

When expanding self-love to our experiences and meaning around sexuality, it may be easier to first state the opposite of sexual self-love: guilt, shame, embarrassment, disconnection, body-loathing, and lack of knowledge. These emotions and mental states are the result of fear-based learning about sex and sexuality from various sources, such as restrictive religions, embarrassed parents, ignorant teachers, and idealized media images. If you begin with sexual topics where you feel anxiety or discomfort, you can identify where you have opportunity for immediate growth. The areas of body-image, masturbation, and freedom of expression can be a great place to start.
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To read the entire article, please follow this link to Vision Magazine.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego