Straight, Gay, or ASEXUAL – Are They All Legit?

Sex is fun. It connects us, let’s us express ourselves, and allows for procreation. Desire for sexual connection and experience is very natural… or is it?

What if you never had a sexual spark or an interest in having sex with another person? I don’t mean a period of chosen celibacy after giving birth, or when you just need a break from dating and relationships. I’m referring to people who have identified their whole lives as “asexual.”

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) is an organization dedicated to educating and supporting asexuality as a sexual orientation, in the same way that heterosexuality and homosexuality are perceived. Their website explains that asexual people form relationships like sexual people, with intimacy, closeness, attraction, and sharing. The difference is that there is no need or desire to engage in partnered sexual activity. People who are asexual do not perceive this as problematic; it’s just what feels right to them.

You might assume that an asexual person has experienced sexual trauma, has a mental or emotional block, or is experiencing a physiological sexual dysfunction. However, no research to date has supported these presuppositions, and a recent study specifically challenges the physiological dysfunction hypothesis. In it, researchers showed sexual stimuli to a variety of women, then measured blood flow to their genitals, and recorded how they felt about being aroused. Women who identified as asexual were similar to the other women in sexual arousal, except they did not perceive their sexual arousal in a particularly positive way or as something to share with another person.

What does this all mean? The jury is still out on that since this topic has only recently been the subject of research. However, regarding whether it’s “legit,” my guess is that you can’t miss something you’ve never had or experienced, so to an asexual, this is just the “normal” way of being.

(Article was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's Blogger Series.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

The Pleasure Revolution

Momentum Founders, Tess & DeeSpread Your Legs & Open Your Heart…

Free Sex Advice on a Park Bench…

The Pleasure Revolution…

The Three P’s of Porn…

Dirty Bingo….

Are these video titles of porn?

Actually, these are workshop titles from a sexuality conference I attended this past weekend in Washington, DC, named, Momentum: Making Waves in Sexuality, Feminism, & Relationships. In its second year, Momentum is a space for sex-positive professionals around the country to learn, teach, and build community.

The opening keynote discussion comprised five powerful sex educators speaking on the state of the union for sex. Their focus areas ranged from adolescent education to elderly sexuality to sex workers’ rights. It was an inspiring plenary, and I was surprised by how energized I felt being a part of this group. All were welcome in this sex-positive space, whether professor, sex educator, sex toy store owner, online sexual performer, or prostitute.

What is sex positive? Sex positivity is viewing sex as a natural process. It is embracing pleasure. It is open, frank, conversations about sex, sexuality, and sexual health. And it is accepting sexual expression in a vast variety of forms. It is not perceiving sex as dirty, shameful, unnatural, or just wrong. Unfortunately, sex negativity is more the status quo in America, hence the need for sexuality professors to unite in a community of like-minded folks.

Allena Gabosch, the Executive Director of the Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle, defines sex positivity as “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.” I encourage you to consider what sex positivity means to you and how embracing it, even a little bit, could enhance your pleasure, exploration, and health. As I’m completing this blog with a cup of tea in hand, my Good Earth tea bag tag offers this quote of advice: The freethinking of one age is the common sense of the next. What is your common sense telling you about creating your own pleasure revolution?

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexual Health Educator, Sexologist

Dear Dr. Jenn - Sex is a Pain!

DImage from: http://kahilas.blogspot.com/2011/06/whats-causing-your-pelvic-pain.htmlear Dr. Jenn,

Is it normal to have pain when I have sex with my boyfriend? It’s not all the time, but about half the time I have to stop him once he’s inside because it hurts too much. What should we do?

Thank you!

- Sex is a Pain

—–

Dear Sex is a Pain,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain! But very happy that you brought it up, since you are not alone. A 2010 Indiana University study found that one third of women reported genital pain during their last sexual encounter. First, a few clarifying questions: Where is the pain located? Is it inside or outside your vagina? What does the pain feel like, for example, is it burning or sore? Has this happened with past partners? Can you pinpoint any differences between the times you have pain and the times you do not?

If the pain is deep inside and only occasional, it might be connected to changes in your menstrual cycle, which can shift your cervix and uterus. I suggest that you alter sexual positions when there’s pain, to find one that doesn’t allow for deep penetration. On the other hand, if the pain is right around the entrance to your vagina, there are likely other factors coming into play, such as lubrication and time. Since the pain is not always present, I’m guessing that the difference could be that you haven’t had enough time to get all juicy and lubricated. All bodies are different, and some people need more foreplay prior to intercourse to allow their genitals to engorge with blood and for the body to kick in with natural vaginal lubrication. More finger and tongue action around the vulva and vaginal opening should better prepare you for penetration. Also, adding a personal lubricant can help reduce unwanted friction (I recommend brands like Sliquid, Hathor Aphrodisia, or Pink). If you believe you have a physical problem that is not addressed here or is more serious (e.g., vulvodynia), we are lucky in San Diego to have the Sexual Medicine Clinic at Alvarado Hospital, so you can visit them to determine the source of your pain.

It’s very important that you openly discuss this with your boyfriend and that BOTH of you are doing what you can to stop the pain. Sometimes women grin and bear it, but in the long run this creates a negative feedback loop around sex. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners and I hope this helps you achieve that. I wish you happy and healthy sex!

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

*This article was originally posted to the Sex & Love Blog Series at Pacific San Diego Magazine.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Scared of Sex Ed

Cartoon borrowed from: http://www.lkbthwys.org/page8.aspxMost people agree that teenagers are greatly helped in Driver’s Ed, by gaining skills to become safer drivers and more conscientious citizens on the road. Yet offering comprehensive Sex Ed to teenagers to gain skills about being sexually safer and more conscientious citizens while dating is highly controversial. Marty Klein, PhD, a leading social commentator in the United States on sexuality, describes the absurdity of our national values around sex education:

Although our country makes cars safer in case of accidents, has school athletes wear helmets in case they fall awkwardly, and establishes poison centers in case toddlers get into cleaning supplies, [those who are sex-negative] don’t want to reduce the consequences of unauthorized, unprotected, or unlucky sex. They say that doing so encourages bad sexual choices. That’s like saying seat belts encourage dangerous driving and poison centers encourage sloppy parenting.*

We are an over-protective society except when it comes to sex. Clearly there is something about the topic of sex that breeds irrationality. The U.S. is founded on Puritan values, and we seem to cling to these values regarding sex despite a variety of science and logic to the contrary. It seems that amidst a cultural and religious upbringing of shame, fear, silence, and disconnect regarding sexuality and pleasure, we develop a fundamental discomfort with our own sexuality. What else can explain the many politicians and religious leaders who publicly condemn anything outside of mainstream, heterosexual, married intercourse, yet whose own sexual desires reveal a penchant for sex outside marriage, texting penis photos, or spending intimate time with gay masseuses? If we could examine the shame around sexuality, and recognize the broad range of sexual activity that is natural and normal, I don’t think we’d see such hypocrisy.

In a few weeks I will visit Sweden, a country that teaches comprehensive sexuality education to all students, by law. The philosophy in many European countries is that sexual activity is a normal and natural part of being human, and therefore children and teens are best suited to be sexually responsible through education. Sweden’s statistics on teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections don’t lie – this approach works.** Knowledge gained through education is a resource for power and choice regarding both driving AND sexual health. Yet, as Marty Klein writes, “The welfare of our children is being sacrificed so that adults can sleep better at night.” I think it’s time for a wake up call.

*Quoted from America’s War on Sex – The Attack on Law, Lust and Liberty.

**The birthrate for teens in Sweden is 7 per 1,000 births, compared with 49 in the U.S., and in the 15 to 19 year old age range, reported cases of gonorrhea in the U.S. are almost 600 times as great per capita.

(This was originally posted as part of the Sex & Love Blogger Series for Pacific San Diego Magazine.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Shhh…Can You Hear That? Vaginas Are Talking

“If your vagina could talk, what would it say?”

This is one of several questions posed by Eve Ensler in her award-winning play, The Vagina Monologues. I think it speaks to the personality of a woman’s sexuality, and offers the opportunity for many women to explore this verbally for the first time. Based on my work, here is what some vaginas want to say:

“Warm me up. Sometimes I may be hot and heavy right away, but other times it takes awhile to get the blood flowing down there. My arousal isn’t always immediate, but it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. I just need you to prime my pump, both physically and emotionally.”

“Slow down! Pounding is good sometimes, but it gets old in the long run, and I feel like a porn actress. When we are in synch with each other, the natural ebbs and flows of intercourse are perfect.”

“Surprise me. You may have found something that seems to work, but this can change over time, and even just day to day! Please don’t let your need to feel good about knowing how to please me get in the way of continual gentle exploration. From the labia and clitoris, to the vaginal opening and G-spot area, and the rest of my erogenous zones, there is a lot of me to discover.”

If you’d like to hear from more vaginas, ranging from hysterically funny to heart wrenching, come see the play The Vagina Monologues. I will be performing in two benefit performances at the La Jolla Playhouse on March 18. Buy your tickets for the 2pm show HERE and the 7pm show HERE.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

(This blog was originally posted to Pacific San Diego Magazine's Blogger Series.)

Women are Sexual & Sluts are Great!

(I just posted this blog to Pacific San Diego Magazine's blogger series.)

Rush Limbaugh’s recent “slut-bashing” incident brought to light how we Americans perceive and experience our sexuality. If you missed this or want the full story, read about Limbaugh’s slut slandering of a female Georgetown law student, in response to her testifying before Congress about access to birth control. The incident is fraught with controversy, so for now, let’s just look at the use of the word “slut.”

Slut Walk San DiegoWhat is a “slut?” Generally, it is a derogatory word used for a woman who is considered too sexual. This begs the question, what does “too sexual” mean, and who decides how much sex is too much for an adult woman? It’s a funny world we live in, where women are highly desired for their sexuality, but criticized, by both women and men, if they want to be in control of that sexuality.

Why is there such a low threshold for acceptable sexual expression for women compared to men? I know a lot of men who like sex, and wish that women were encouraged to like it as much as them! However, there is a distinct gender difference in who is allowed to be sexual without stigma. Research shows that women often report a lower than truthful number of sexual partners. Men, on the other hand, report a higher number. Clearly, both genders have internalized what is appropriate sexual behavior.

Why does it matter if we call a girl or woman a slut? When a woman is labeled a slut, the stigma can be very real in its impact and consequences. For example, labeling a high school girl a slut has long been one of the top insults that can be hurled, and can negatively impact the girl’s reputation, enjoyment of high school, and circle of friends. This hasn’t changed in the 20 years since I was in high school, and with the recent recognition of the dangers of bullying, perhaps this is something to which we should pay more attention.

I believe there is so much controversy around “sluts” because sex is powerful and provocative. People make a lot of decisions based on their sex drive, some empowering and some pretty damn foolish (e.g., look at the fall of so many male politicians and religious leaders who can’t keep their dicks in their pants). I think sexual women have long been the scapegoats of powerful men. Our sexual decisions sometimes have big consequences, but labeling women for choosing to be sexual, when it benefits the women AND men, shouldn’t be one of those consequences.

I think a slut is a woman who seeks sexual experiences and enjoys being sexual. That doesn’t sound so bad to me. Last year, the “Slut Walk” movement in many major cities was a way to reclaim women’s sexual expression, and stop blaming sexual assault on women’s fashion choices. San Diego proudly hosted a Slut Walk in June, 2011. Perhaps a chant of “Two, Four, Six, Eight. Women are Sexual and Sluts are Great!” is something we should all take to the streets.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker