Dear Dr. Jenn: How Can I Be Better in Bed?

"How can I be better in bed?"

People often ask me this question, wanting a secret technique to give their partner more pleasure. I advise them that the best way to become a better lover is to approach sex as a holistic experience. Fortunately, if you’re interested in expanding your sexual horizons, San Diego has plenty to offer. The only requirements are curiosity and the courage to explore.

Whether exploring the mental, physical, emotional, social, or spiritual sides of sex, it takes courage to step outside your comfort zone. As San Diego sexual spiritualist Shawn Roop says, “Sex is a natural act that can enlighten, awaken and open the body and soul, and quiet the mind.”

Mental

Sex Ed in school might have been uninspiring, but sex classes available in San Diego will make you want homework. Sexologist Dr. Sayaka Adachi teaches workshops at Déjà Vu Love Boutique in Vista and private home parties. She says classes like “Blow Him Away!” and “The Amazing World of Female Orgasm” are popular because they “teach the nitty-gritty of fun and easy techniques to pleasure a partner, while expanding knowledge of themselves and their partner.”

Dr. Adachi says that in the sexual realm, like everywhere else, knowledge is power. When asked what people incorrectly think they know about sex, she says with a laugh, “How big the clitoris is, let alone where it is.”

At Pleasures & Treasures Boutique in North Park, sex educator Alex West Moreau teaches a range of classes on improving sex and BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism).

“The most challenging thing for people to grasp in my classes is that it’s simply ok for them to want to explore their sexuality,” Moreau says. “Permission to explore is rarely given to oneself.”

While classes on BDSM may feel too risky for some, Moreau promises a “safe and secure environment for the public to learn how to explore deeper levels of themselves and connect more deeply with their partners.”

Physical

If you think that sex-toy stores have sketchy staff and offensive product packaging, then you need to visit a local gem, The Rubber Rose, in East Village. According to owner Lea Caughlan, the store is “simple and classy, with a carefully curated selection of bodysafe products, presented in a nonjudgmental, gender- and sexuality-neutral context, run by sex educators.”

The Rubber Rose commits to carrying only “skin-safe and nontoxic” products. As to the physical benefits of toys, Caughlan says, “Our bodies are physically invigorated when we orgasm.” For individuals who need greater stimulation intensity, or have experienced changes due to aging, illness or trauma, “Using toys can create a bridge and allow us to learn our bodies,” Caughlan says. “Toys can also create new dialogue between partners communicating new or different levels of desire and using the toys to play out fantasies.”

Beyond toys, learning how to move your body in new ways can build confidence and entice your partner. Pole dancing classes offer a sensual experience and heightened body awareness.

“Exercise makes you stronger, healthier and more confident, and those all make sex, and everything else in your life, better,” says Marie Davidson, owner of Fun Pole Fitness in North Park.

Emotional

February brings local performances of the award-winning play The Vagina Monologues, including at San Diego State University. The play promises to elicit from audiences a rollercoaster of emotional reactions: sadness, thoughtfulness, shock, amusement and a lot of laughter. Attending this show can be a healing experience for audience members.

“When we discuss such topics openly, we eliminate the sense of shame that too frequently surrounds them, and instead foster a sense of empowerment,” says Sharlene Castle, producer of the SDSU show. “We want women in the audience to feel proud of their vaginas and sexuality. We want men to understand and empathize with the female experience, and we want everyone to feel outraged about the injustices women continue to face — and then do something to change it.”

Social

Sex may be considered a private experience for many, but Kamala Devi, a Pacific Beach resident and sex coach, hosts monthly Tantra Talks, Poly Potlucks and Sacred Snuggle Parties.

“The first two are meet-and-greets for people interested in exploring new paradigms of connection, either by going beyond monogamy or making sexuality more spiritual,” says Devi, a star of the Showtime series Polyamory: Married & Dating. “The Sacred Snuggle parties are more like laboratories to express your boundaries and desires for touch, intimacy and sensuality.”

For beginners, these sexual-social environments might feel intimidating, so Devi emphasizes safety. “We give a warm welcome to newcomers and discuss social agreements such as consent, confidentiality and celebrating diversity,” she says. “People are welcome to come and watch and learn; they don’t even have to speak.”

Spiritual

The spiritual component of sex explores being present in the moment. Golden Hill resident Shawn Roop, who teaches spiritual workshops, says U.S. culture is missing “a personal sacred sense of sex. Fantasy, escapism and shame have ripped the grace and beauty sex offers each of us.”

Roop addresses this missing piece by teaching that “men and women have different ways they approach sex. I empower women to understand how to have sex that meets their needs beyond just the physical act. I share with men how to engage sex from a more vulnerable place.”

(This was originally published by Pacific San Diego Magazine in February 2014.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

Sex Nerd Sandra on Mindfulness in Sex

I got to sit down with fellow sex educator, Sex Nerd Sandra, and hash out what the concept and practice of mindfulness is, and how it relates to improving relationships, reducing judgments, deepening intimacy, and enhancing sexual experiences.

The topics we cover include: The “Down Low,” Getting Touchy-Feely, Self Care, Awareness without Judgement, The Triangle of Thoughts-Emotions-Sensations, Your Patterns, Triggers, Sandra’s Trigger, Using Your Words, Tangible Feelings, A Pattern Interrupt, Run/Numb/Distract, Sandra’s Dark Shadow, Favorite Negative Emotions, Manipulation, Buddhist Science, Third Eye, Astrology “Personal Growth,” Brené Brown, Feeling Worthy, Dr. Who, Our Inner Geography, Resiliency, Dr. Jenn’s TEDx Talk, and Befriending Your Body.

Listen to this PODCAST ON SEX & MINDFULNESS.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

Why The Vagina Monologues Can Make You a Better Man

Think the Vagina Monologues is just for women? Think again. Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus explores some of the important ways that men can learn about women, female sexuality and female bodies on VDay

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By now you’ve probably heard about The Vagina Monologues, but unless you’ve seen a production of it yourself, you’ve heard more about the controversy and less about the education or empowerment of the play itself. Written by playwright Eve Ensler in the mid-90s, this piece is a bunch of women talking about vaginas and vulvas. And talking about sex, their bodies, relationships, and sexual violence. It’s based on real interviews with real women, making each monologue powerful, and taking the audience through a gamut of emotions around female sexual experiences. Women who are open to exploring this sort of thing typically exit the production feeling powerful and grateful that their experiences finally have a voice. They are excited that these taboo topics are being discussed. The Vagina Monologues is produced by community groups and universities around the world, all raising funds for local women’s nonprofits.

But what about the men? Is there anything in the show for a man?

I’ve been involved with ten productions of this play, as an actor or director. So I’ve cajoled more than my share of men to attend, and have fended off many excuses. Afterwards, my male friends were always shocked with how much they were moved and amused. Sure they were uncomfortable and even confused at times. But definitely not disappointed they attended. If you’re interested in checking out a show, this will help prepare you for the experience.

First, there are always men in the audience, so you will not be alone. The audience will be primarily women, and everyone on stage is a woman. You may not be in situations like this very often, so it could feel uncomfortable or intimidating. Going with friends you can joke with may ease this discomfort.

Second, it is a very emotionally challenging event. You might feel moved to tears, or the women around you might cry. You will laugh—a lot. You’ll get angry, worried, and be amazed at what you likely don’t know about the complexity of women’s sexuality. If raw emotions are hard for you to sit with, and empathy isn’t your strong suit, you might even hate the show, anxiously waiting for it to be over.

So it isn’t for everyone. But of the dozens of men I’ve talked to about the show, I heard only one negative review among all of the other positive ones. I understand that my male friends might be reluctant to share certain aspects of their experience, but what they expressed is very telling. What did these guys get out of the show?

Here’s what they said in their own words:

“I was surprised there’s a lot going on that’s not in the male realm of experience.”

“It was slightly awkward initially, hearing about vaginas that much. But also kind of liberating, as it was such a taboo thing to mention, let alone talk about.”

“[I] didn’t realize how complex women’s relationships with their junk are . . . dudes on the other hand, from age 13 know our junk cold and have no problems discussing it. Stark contrast.”

“It brought awareness to my life as a male that I would have otherwise never considered, and I consider myself to be fairly forward thinking and informed on matters of feminism and women.”

“I’ll be the first to admit women are a mystery, and the VM definitely opened my eyes to struggles I would not have previously been aware of or cared about. I laughed a lot . . . but most of all felt saddened by the event . . . my lack of knowing, and how reflective that is of the world we live in. Saddened by the fact that the Vagina Monologues is necessary and that women have struggled, continue to struggle and are still not given the respect as human beings they deserve.”

“One thing that stands out in my memory is the surprising realization that women in first world countries still face several of the same issues as those in the third world. Especially when it comes to the abuse, violence and the denial of ownership of their own sexuality.”

“It was moving, sad, hopeful, a little uncomfortable, funny.”

Being uncomfortable and vulnerable around sexual topics is not a bad thing, especially if it helps men realize that there’s a lot more to learn and understand. These experiences can deepen the vulnerability of conversations between women and men about sexual topics. Such discomfort can lead to questioning, learning, and growth. Female sexuality is complicated—or beautifully complex, as I like to say.

I’ve read some critiques that The Vagina Monologues is “male-bashing.” My thought is if you’re looking for male-bashing, you’ll find it anywhere that women are speaking out about harm they’ve experienced, especially in the sexual realm. On the other hand, if you’re open to hearing a different perspective that could be uncomfortable and make you look at yourself and the world differently, then you’ll appreciate this experience. I believe talking about it openly is so much better than shameful silence.

I don’t think The Vagina Monologues is a perfect play that accurately depicts all the depths of women’s sexuality around the world. Eve Ensler took the stories that were shared with her and filtered them through her lens as a woman with poetic license. Some of it may be outdated and outrageous, but it does a damn good job of opening a dialogue that is still sorely missing, and opening a space for compassion. As one man explained, “By the end, I felt like a more progressive human being.”

Check out VDay’s website to find a production in your area, from February through April.

(I wrote this article as a Relationship, Love + Sex writer at The Good Men Project.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sexologist - Sociologist - Sexuality Speaker - Vagina Warrior!

Divorce Attorney Interviews Me to Help Couples Avoid Divorce because of Lost Sex!

I love this! Wendy Hernandez, a family and divorce attorney in Phoenix, AZ, interviewed me recently. So many couples who walk through her doors are there because somewhere along the way they lost their sexual intimacy. I share how common this is, gender differences, and ideas to get your sexy back...and avoid divorce!

(Check out the full page with the interview HERE, including Wendy's summary of our discussion topics.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

Dear Mike Huckabee -A Woman's Response

I don't know about you, but sometimes I get so irritated about the ridiculous comments some politicians spew about women's sexuality, contraception, etc., that I have to do something to speak out against it. It's not OK that they are so out of touch with what it's like to be in a female body, or that they speak with distain about women as sexual beings. This takes our country backwards. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee recently made some "pro-woman" comments that were offensive and outright ignorant. Here's my video letter in response to him.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

How to Swap Bodies with the Other Sex

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in the body of someone of a different gender? The folks at Be Another Lab in Barcelona play with tricking the brain by matching bodily movements. Check it out! (Learn more at: http://www.themachinetobeanother.org/)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker