Blog - Essays, Articles, Videos, and Tips
I love this! Wendy Hernandez, a family and divorce attorney in Phoenix, AZ, interviewed me recently. So many couples who walk through her doors are there because somewhere along the way they lost their sexual intimacy. I share how common this is, gender differences, and ideas to get your sexy back...and avoid divorce!
(Check out the full page with the interview HERE, including Wendy's summary of our discussion topics.)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
My passion is public speaking around sexuality topics. I love creating safe and fun spaces to speak about taboo topics, and make them accessible and real. We need this in the United States. Plastering sex everywhere, yet not providing nonjudgmental and factual places to learn about sex, is a problem. I reduce shame, silence, and misconceptions, and create empowerment, communication, and authenticity.
My primary speaking topics include: sex, sexual health, intimacy, healthy relationships, communication, and mindfulness. If your university, organization, or conference is in need of a memorable and powerful speaker, get in touch with me to leave a lasting impression.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
Flirting through texting is a good thing - seriously. I don't think that technology today is interfering with all real communication, and flirting is a good example of something that can be facilitated and potentially enhanced through the media of texting. I spoke about the Dos and Don'ts of flirting through texting today, specifically for folks who are over 40 years old, on Channel 6's Wake Up San Diego. Check out the video posted below, and I've included some other thoughts below I didn't have time to articulate on the news.
I see 3 different categories of flirting through texting: Playful/teasing, romantic, and sexual. The playful version is like the teasing we did as teenagers by our lockers in high school (or was that just me?). For example, if your object of interest is reading poetry, make a cute jab about them "being a brooding poet," and include a winking emoticon so they know you're kidding. I just watched a young woman and man do this type of teasing bantering in a cafe recently. It was ridiculously transparent to the point of annoyance (to me, at least). But doing through texting, where no one else has to witness, is a good idea!
The romantic version of flirting through texting can be incredibly sweet, and the type of texts that girlfriends swoon over and share with friends. This is your chance to offer a genuine compliment - a funny memory from a recent date, a feature you love about them, or even a quote that expresses how your feel. Also, remembering to ask about something important about their day, such as a big meeting or their child's doctor appointment, can feel very nurturing on the receiving end.
And finally - sexting! This definitely gets the most attention and needs to be done with care. Two "don'ts" off the bat: Don't send naked photos and don't text late at night when drunk. I hear about frequent regrets in these areas. But DO plant the seeds for sexual banter, such as "I just got out of the shower," and let the intensity slowly build.
Don't use texting for long conversations better left to phone or email, but also don't write really short responses if you're interested in the other person and they are writing in more depth. In addition, if most of your relationship is unfolding via text and not in person, your date may not be willing to commit and you might want to move on. Do YOU have any flirting through texting lessons you learned the hard way?
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
Jokes about fast cars and busty women aside, a midlife crisis can be a very real thing for many men and women. The cause of said “crisis” is the realization that life isn’t going the way you expected. You worked hard and followed the rules, yet you feel unsatisfied, disconnected, and unhappy. Here are 4 rules to get you back on track, or avoid the crisis in the first place:
Rule 1. Don’t follow the rules. I say this tongue in cheek, as this blog posting is about following rules! What I mean is to follow new rules that don’t involve “shoulds.” You should be married by a certain age. You should have children. You should live in a certain neighborhood. You should sacrifice all your needs for your children. You should stay at a job you hate because at least you have a job. While some of these “shoulds” may be important to you, ask yourself where you learned them and then question whether they are attached to your personal purpose and mission in life. While you don’t want to dismiss your existing commitments in one fell swoop, you can start taking little steps to make your own rules so you can design your life, instead of your life designing you.
Rule 2. Find your passions. Explore what you’re passionate about, and in particular something that lights you up and involves helping others. Many people feel passionate about activities like golf, video games, or shopping, but I’m encouraging you to find passions that have an altruistic bent to them. Research shows that the benefits of activities that bring pleasure to us while helping others, versus purely hedonist pleasure for ourselves, last longer. If you connect this built in feel-good wiring with something that you are also passionate about, you have a recipe for deeper fulfillment and satisfaction.
Rule 3. Practice mindfulness. Cultivating regular mindfulness practices helps you stay in touch with what really makes you happy, content, and satisfied, versus what you think “should” make you happy. Developing mindfulness helps you stay present in the moment, even if that present moment involves uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, or sensations. When you learn to stay present, instead of running, distracting, or numbing yourself, you can access authenticity and vulnerability. These are paramount to deeply knowing yourself and knowing others.
Rule 4. Cultivate gratitude. The science of happiness repeatedly points to the importance of gratitude and appreciation as a key to happiness. It may seem counterintuitive to appreciate what you have, when you’re feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. But gratitude is foundational to building your optimism, which then leads to greater creativity, connection, and resilience. An attitude of gratitude will also help you identify what is working for you in life, and help you focus on cultivating more of that.
A mid-life crisis is not inevitable. If you’re in crisis it is likely because you let your life go on automatic pilot. The above 4 rules help you take the reins of your life and be responsible for your choices and path. Enjoy the ride—it is the only one you’ve got.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
I'm happy to announce that my blog here, as well as my Dr. Jenn's Den Facebook page, were included in Health Expresses list of the top 10 sexual health blogs. As you know, sexual health is a fun topic, but it's also challenging, messy, scary, and taboo. I'm thrilled to have easily accessible platforms like blogging and Facebook to spread accurate sexual health information, as well as research and advice about building healthy relationships, personal growth, and mindfulness. Thank you Health Express, and thank YOU for reading this blog :)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sexual Health Speaker, Sociologist