Self-soothing Techniques

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Being in Control of Overwhelming Emotions

“I just get so angry and then all hell breaks loose!”

“I feel so anxious at work and start crying at the littlest criticism.”

“When my boyfriend doesn’t call me back quickly, I just freak out and send 40 texts.”

Human emotions are strong. This is great when they feel positive like joy, excitement, and happiness. But when the emotions are uncomfortable, we may not know what to do with them and consequently feel out of control.

Adults who are able to smoothly (and authentically) handle strong uncomfortable emotions are skilled in what are called self-soothing techniques. A self-soothing technique is a way to be present with a challenging emotion while also having choice about how you react to it. It is not about repressing your feelings or numbing yourself with alcohol or emotional eating. It is about acknowledging the ebb and flow of emotions, knowing that you are ok, and choosing to calm yourself in a healthy way.

To build your skills in self-soothing, I recommend a few simple practices to try, to see what works best for you. One that is possible to do in all situations is intentional deep breathing. Breathe in from your diaphragm to a count of four, pause for a moment, and the exhale to a count of four. Self-massage is another great self-soothing technique, whether rubbing your hands, wrists, feet, or forehead. Music can have a powerful pull over our emotions. Have a few songs that you know make you feel good always at hand and play them if you start feeling overwhelmed with an emotion. Journal writing is also a powerful way to be present with uncomfortable feelings. And remind yourself that you’re ok and that this emotion will pass.

Please don’t feel embarrassed if this is something you want to work on (or if you do, just self-soothe your way through those emotions ;). From children to adults, we all go through a process of learning how to soothe ourselves in healthy ways. Emotions come and go; often quickly, if we let them.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

New Year for Growth through Compassion

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"I'm doing so well! This personal growth stuff is a piece of cake and feels good!"

"Crap. I screwed up again. I suck at this stuff and just can't do it right."

Two steps forward and one step back. This makes sense. Personal growth is a learning and integration process. Part of the process is stumbling. If you already knew the path and had the answers, you would be at your destination. But it truly is a journey not a destination; a journey that involves pulling back layers, acceptance, and continually choosing to be on your journey.

I was working with a male client who wanted to be kinder to his girlfriend. He often snapped at her in frustration, despite being deeply in love with her. He was mimicking the patterns from his upbringing. His commitment to this unlearning and new learning allowed for impressive progress. However, on one occasion when we spoke, he was bemoaning a recent snapping incident and harshly blaming himself. We spoke about shifting from blaming to responsibility, and how to engage in personal growth with compassion.

Cheri Huber, Buddhist teacher, writes, "Rejection does not lead to compassion. Compassion leads to compassion. Rejection leads to rejection."

Mentally abusing yourself only adds fuel to the fire of negativity and frustration. Perhaps it would be helpful to view the "one step back" as actually a "step to the side." With your two steps forward, you will have new perspective on your patterns, even when it feels like you're still repeating them. This side view can allow the space for reflection and analysis, instead of rejection and negativity.

It's impossible to know where your personal growth journey will lead. What is possible to know is that you will stumble on the journey - and that's alright.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Patience - A Gift for All Times

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Patience. Waiting. Anticipation.

I'm waiting right now for a client who is stuck in traffic. It's a nice opportunity to take a few deep breaths. I don't "naturally" do this when waiting. I have to remind myself to make this shift to ease, appreciation, and patience when my "this is not efficient!" buttons are pushed.

I'm reminded of the patience - and excitement - leading up to Christmas when I was 10 years old. My sister, cousin, and I snooped into my grandparents' bedroom and found our gift of super hero UNDEROOS under the bed. We were ecstatic with the find! And then we got caught. What we didn't understand at the time was that our impatience was disrespectful to our grandparents.

Recognizing and accepting that all things have a particular time path is helpful in my work with clients and students. I can't PUSH someone to do emotional or mental exploration that isn't right for them. Patience is respect for the process and respect for others. All things in due time. I don't have the "truth" or the answers. I am here to be patience during guidance, acceptance, and motivation.

Who could you offer the gift of patience to this holiday season?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Learning to Trust Yourself

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Do you trust your intuition in your decision-making? Do you feel like you can separate your heart-centered intentions from self-sabotaging behavior: the former based on deep self-knowledge and the latter based on fears and old patterns? I have had several conversations recently with people trying to discern this difference and make healthier choices in their relationships.

We all experience different versions of living from fear and our conditioned responses. Maybe a piece of the puzzle is not wanting to take full responsibility for decisions, because if things go wrong, you have someone else to blame. Or perhaps the complexity of emotions feel too nuanced and confusing compared to black & white business decisions, and it's easier to pretend they don't exist. Another possibility is that your inner gremlin of self-doubt is running the show and insisting that you can't be trusted with decisions.

The key is learning to quiet the mind and the automatic patterns, feel an opening in compassion, and just sit with the question in hand. It is a slow process of learning to trust your inner knowledge. It involves being aware of your emotions, your reactions, and your patterns. Through choosing quiet time each day, whether through meditation or deep breathing, and knowing that you are OK with whatever thoughts and feelings arise, you can learn to discern what moves you forward and what holds you back. Taking the time to write down this process can be a powerful addition on the path of learning to trust yourself. But you won't be perfect with this, and that's OK.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego