DVD Review of Beauty Mark: Body Image & the Race for Perfection

Contemporary Sexuality, December, 2011, Vol. 45, No. 12

In this documentary, psychotherapist Diane Israel chronicles her personal journey with obsessive exercising and eating disorders. Throughout her troubled childhood and years as a champion triathlete, she was terrified of becoming fat. Her journey to understanding attractiveness and love brought her face-to-face with America’s cultural ideals about beauty and competition. In “Beauty Mark,” Israel offers cultural commentary from experts, including Eve Ensler, Naomi Wolf and the Dove “Real Beauty” campaign research group. In a bold and touching conclusion, Israel brings her narrative back full circle to her family to share their perspectives.

I had mixed reactions after my initial viewing of “Beauty Mark.” Based on the documentary description, I expected an academic study of body image concerns and how the media creates or exacerbates these. However, this was Israel’s personal tale of body struggle, competitiveness, family dysfunction and transformation. The story went in many directions, without depth of explanation. And, although the conclusion with her family was heart wrenching and brought tears, I was left wanting more. What happened next? What can we do about this? Gratefully, I found the DVD bonus feature, in which Israel shares details of her life two years after the filming. This quenched my need to know how she was dealing with her family and personal demons and what is working for her in recovery.

With such mixed feelings, I showed the DVD to my Women & Health college class. My students are primarily women with an average age of 21. Their anonymous written feedback was overwhelmingly positive. My students were touched by Israel’s story. They thought the mes- sage was personally valuable for validation and hope. They also found it educational for college women overall. We did not have time to view the bonus feature, yet only a few students voiced a sense of incompleteness. They specifically wanted to know how Israel helps her clients with their body image concerns.

Israel concludes there is no single factor to blame for her self-loathing. This realization and her acceptance of herself allowed her to return home. I think this is a powerful and thought-provoking documentary for high school and college students. The final message, with a shift from blaming to acceptance, by way of courage and compassion, is a lesson for all.

Beauty Mark: Body Image & the Race for Perfection By Diane Israel, Carla Precht and Kathleen Man. She-Art Production. DVD, $250.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

Don't Trust Your Intuition

“I’m just feelin’ it, so I’m going to go with it.”

When the topic of intuition comes up, I find that people often fall into two camps: either they don’t listen to or trust their intuition, or they trust it too much. Interestingly, this realm of “intuition” seems to be the province of women. Tapping into, listening to, acting upon, or speaking about intuition is a gendered topic, perhaps because “knowledge from the brain” is considered masculine and “knowledge from the body” is considered feminine. Unfortunately, these gender restrictions impair us all, as we all have inner wisdom ready to guide us.
 
I believe intuition reveals in layers, and the more we can gain deep knowledge about ourselves, the more we can understand the nuances of our inner voice. Intuition often shows up as a gut feeling and knowing. Having a “feeling” about something may be your intuition. However, patterned behaviors based on fears and past negative experiences can also show up as a gut feeling. It may be an anxiety reaction or your ego defending itself and needing to feel right. These are clearly different in origin.
 
I’ve found that my intuition is quite strong and accurate when I’m fully present and aware in a situation, and when I’m in a state of open-heartedness or compassion. However, if I’m feeling threatened emotionally or one of my emotional triggers has been activated, I react from defensiveness and hurt, not from intuition. It seems to be a difference between being receptive or being reactive. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference.
 
What can we do to develop this discernment? Research strongly points to the practice of mindfulness meditation. Daily practices of sitting quietly, with focus on breath, the present moment, and observing thoughts and bodily sensations without judgment, develops an important part of our prefrontal cortex. Creating more neural connections in this brain area strengthens impulse control, awareness, insight, empathy, and…intuition. I recommend starting with 10 minutes of quiet awareness as a daily commitment. It’s pretty amazing that “doing nothing” can offer all these skills! If you’d like more information on putting this into practice, read "Learning to Trust Yourself" or visit the resources on the Mindsight Website.

Regain Your Relationship Soul

"We sell our soul in spoonfuls."

A client once paraphrased this quotation and it resonated deeply with me both personally and professionally. He was speaking to that seemingly incomprehensible transition from a wonderful, connected relationship, to one with walls, deceit, and hurt. How does this happen in such a loving context? One spoonful at a time.

It is often hard to see this deterioration happening in a relationship, until you are far down the path. A powerful foundation to set at the beginning of a relationship is regular check-in times. Even just 20 minutes every week, or one hour every month, can ensure you are on the same page. You can rate your satisfaction or awareness level in areas such as closeness, needs being met, fun, resentments, and feeling heard or understood. Use a 1-10 scale which allows you to quantify your feelings and monitor changes over time. This helps you notice potential problems earlier. The environment of each check-in should be compassionate, open-hearted, and non-defensive, while understanding that this context may take time to build.

If you're at the other end of the spectrum, in a long-term relationship and asking, "How did we get here?", you can still implement a similar structure. It's never too late. I suggest starting small, with each individual choosing one topic area that concerns the other, and making a commitment to work on it (e.g., communicate more, touch more, increase household chores, listen attentively, ask about your partner's day, share deep thoughts, plan quality time, etc.). At your weekly check-in, rate how much effort you put into your task and your partner can rate how much they perceived your efforts, and vice versa. Be kind with each other, as this is sensitive terrain. Clarify with specific ideas and suggestions if it feels like you're using different language, and commit to small daily actions.

Without structured accountability and feedback, it can be difficult to stay on target to shift and create new patterns. Creating a safe, nurturing environment once a week to bare your soul can give your relationship new life. And a spoonful at a time, you can feed each other's soul.

(Photo props: Found on this site.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, & University Sexuality Speaker -- San Diego, CA

Love, Sex, & Mindfulness - Radio Interview

What's possible when we get mindful about sex and love? Naked Talk Radio host Elaine McMillian, in Denver, CO, interviewed me this summer about how powerful the practice of mindfulness can be in the bedroom.

Link to Naked Talk Radio show - My interview starts at 19 minutes into the show.

"When it comes to love, sex and relationships, how mindful are YOU? Is mindfulness one of those things you keep forgetting to do? Ah, that IS the rub, isn’t it. Stop meaning to be mindful and learn to make this simple skill one of your best relationship assets! In this episode, sociologist and relationship & intimacy expert, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus will show us how!"

The Empathy Experiment

The topic of empathy comes up quite a bit in my counseling work. Which makes a lot of sense.  If we want to better understand our partners, connect deeper with others, or even have compassion for ourselves, expanding our practice of empathy is vital.

Empathy means putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It's about recognizing that we are all vulnerable and that we all are so much alike as humans. I think there's an important distinction between sympathy, which can have a condescending feel, and empathy, which is literally feeling like another (as much as possible). They often both involve compassion, but empathy is on an equal footing, and sympathy can be hierarchical. Although we might have different innate abilities around empathy, it is something that can be taught and learned.

A university in the Midwest recently chose six students to participate in a non-credit project called the Empathy Experiment. Research has shown a dramatic decrease in empathy in college students, particularly in the past 10 years.  In an attempt to build greater understanding of the working poor, the students were progressively exposed to more challenging circumstances, including a night without eating and spending a night in a homeless shelter.  It seems that the goal of students' challenging assumptions and better understanding the perspective of others was realized. To read more about this, visit the Empathy Experiment.

Self-soothing Techniques

Being in Control of Overwhelming Emotions

“I just get so angry and then all hell breaks loose!”

“I feel so anxious at work and start crying at the littlest criticism.”

“When my boyfriend doesn’t call me back quickly, I just freak out and send 40 texts.”

Human emotions are strong. This is great when they feel positive like joy, excitement, and happiness. But when the emotions are uncomfortable, we may not know what to do with them and consequently feel out of control.

Adults who are able to smoothly (and authentically) handle strong uncomfortable emotions are skilled in what are called self-soothing techniques. A self-soothing technique is a way to be present with a challenging emotion while also having choice about how you react to it. It is not about repressing your feelings or numbing yourself with alcohol or emotional eating. It is about acknowledging the ebb and flow of emotions, knowing that you are ok, and choosing to calm yourself in a healthy way.

To build your skills in self-soothing, I recommend a few simple practices to try, to see what works best for you. One that is possible to do in all situations is intentional deep breathing. Breathe in from your diaphragm to a count of four, pause for a moment, and the exhale to a count of four. Self-massage is another great self-soothing technique, whether rubbing your hands, wrists, feet, or forehead. Music can have a powerful pull over our emotions. Have a few songs that you know make you feel good always at hand and play them if you start feeling overwhelmed with an emotion. Journal writing is also a powerful way to be present with uncomfortable feelings. And remind yourself that you’re ok and that this emotion will pass.

Please don’t feel embarrassed if this is something you want to work on (or if you do, just self-soothe your way through those emotions ;). From children to adults, we all go through a process of learning how to soothe ourselves in healthy ways. Emotions come and go; often quickly, if we let them.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego