Sexual Potential: Pleasure & Sexual Expression - What Comes Into Play?

In a recent conversation with a couple, I was asked about all the factors that can come into play in sexual interactions. I started rattling off a long list, such as childhood lessons about sex, religious beliefs, self-esteem, self-worth, body-image, early sexual experiences, abuse, knowledge about one's body, nutrition, exercise, where you are in your life, where you are in your menstrual cycle (for women), stress, chronic diseases, length of relationship, depth of connection, medications, sense of security, emotional intelligence, meaning of sex, hormone levels, gender beliefs, anxiety, sleep, alcohol intake, comfort with communication....As I paused for a moment, they looked at me and said, "Wow - that's a lot."

Yes, it is, and there's still much more. In every relationship, each person has their own version of these factors as well as how they interact in the relationship, where they may take on a life of their own. It can be very complicated. I think this is also very exciting when it comes to evolving our sexual potential both alone and with others, because there is always something new to learn or new avenue to explore. This is why I believe it is imperative to take a holistic approach by considering the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual aspects, and the interplay between these.

It can be a daunting task when facing sexual and relationship concerns to realize that there are so many relevant factors. However, we can also redefine the circumstances as ripe for personal growth and exploring the depths of human pleasure.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Emotional Intelligence - Feelings vs. Thoughts

At the heart of the work I do with individuals and couples is exploring the depth of emotions through identifying them, articulating them, and owning them. Sometimes though, it’s tough for people to differentiate between what they are feeling and what they are thinking. For example, I asked a male married client what he was feeling when his wife continually asked him whether he had taken the dog for a walk. “I feel like she’s being a pain in my ass!” he responded.

When I gently pointed out that this was a thought and not a feeling, he did not understand the distinction I was making. I told him that a feeling is an emotion, which is often linked to thoughts, but that what we think mentally and what we feel emotionally can be experienced separately. I have found that for some people, it is difficult for them to know what they are feeling, even though they may be experiencing a strong reaction.

In such cases, I may offer options of potential feelings. I like Lucia Capacchione's nine “Families of Feelings,” to assist in this process. The nine families of feelings include: Happy, Sad, Angry, Afraid, Playful, Loving, Confused, Depressed, and Peaceful. So in the above example, the gentlemen may have been feeling agitated (Angry), hurt or discouraged (Sad), anxious (Afraid) and conflicted (Confused). Although I’m careful not to put words in people’s mouths, I’ve found that this can start to bridge the gap between mind and body, thoughts and emotions. This “emotional intelligence” allows us to understand ourselves better and therefore have more meaningful and joyful (Happy) relationships.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Does He Like Me or Not? Are We Just Friends or Dating?

• "He walked me to my car and we were kissing for awhile and it was great, but now I haven't heard from him this whole week."
• "He said he's really busy and that's why he hasn't called for another date."
• "We met for coffee and spent hours talking and he said he really likes talking to me. Does that count as a date?"
• "I haven't heard from him in two weeks, and then he suddenly gives me a nice birthday present. I don't get it! What am I supposed to think?"

I'm sure we all have examples like these. I don't mean to pick on men here, but as a woman with many close female friends, these are the stories that I tend to hear. There is often ambiguity at the start of hanging out with someone, as to whether there is genuine interest in dating, interest in sex, or just interest in developing a friendship. How can you tell what the other person is thinking?

In some cases there will be ambiguity no matter what, because you can't always know how much you like the person and how well they match up with you. But wouldn't it be great if there was some system on which to rate what you're thinking about various potentials, and report that to the other person (and vice versa), so there is always clear communication about where you stand? For example, after each interaction, you indicate on a 1-10 scale, how you're feeling about the potential for:

• Dating
• Hanging out as friends
• Kissing
• Sex
• Being only Facebook friends

Would this ruin the excitement, mystery, and spontaneity at the start of knowing someone? Or would it just clear up a lot of confusion, hurt, and anger? It seems perhaps it would create MORE hurt feelings at first, while also creating LESS uncertainty and annoyance. I think if this was a standard way of interacting, we would learn how to tap into and express our emotions better, and be better able to handle honest rejection. Food for thought!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Maintaining Stability & Passion Under Financial Strain - Interview on Fox 5 News

With all of the focus and fear around the economy, I don't want to add to the drama or scarcity perspectives. However, I was interviewed by Kristina Lee of San Diego Fox 5 News this morning (it will be aired on the 10pm news on Thursday, October 30) about how to keep money problems from negatively impacting a long-term relationship. I think this is a great question!

In times of financial strain, paying attention to and nurturing the health of our relationships is particularly important. When it comes down to it, our connections with other humans is fundamental to our well-being. However, money problems can lead to stress, and stress can lead to resentments, and stress AND resentments can reduce our sex drive and ability to be vulnerable and authentic.

What to do?
A B C ' S

A - Appreciation. Appreciate what you have already, financially and materially. This is a way to change your focus from scarcity to abundance. Also focus on your individual strengths, the strengths of your partner, and the strengths of your relationship, and express gratitude for this. This is an obvious yet powerful shift from negative to positive and is imperative for a strong foundation of security, stability, and love in your relationship.

B - Be Honest. Are you spending money and hiding it from your partner? If yes, check in with your motivations behind the spending. Are you an emotional spender? What needs are not being met and how do you use spending to fill that void? Also check in with how this dishonesty can be undermining your relationship. If your partner can't trust you financially, that is a huge burden of stress you're imposing on them, and your spending is likely causing stress for you as well.

C - Clear, Concise Communication. Schedule a meeting once a month with your partner to openly discuss your financial concerns (and financial successes, as well). Discuss your priorities, spending habits, needs, desires, and emotions. Be specific about what you are committed to in your finances. You can also use this structured time to check in with the health of your relationship overall and talk about these commitments.

S - Sex! Could you guess what the 'S' would stand for? I actually mean this to include the big picture around intimacy and sensuality. Are you looking for fun activities that don't cost much? Sex is free :) And how about other sensual activities? I think massage is the perfect activity for times like these between partners, whether feet, head, back, or full body. A massage: 1) is free; 2) reduces stress; 3) increases positive hormones; 4) improves sensual connection and intimacy; 5) allows you to prioritize your intimate relationship, even if just for a short time.

Do you have any other suggestions and ideas on this topic? Please comment here!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Nominated for BEST VIDEO PODCAST AWARD! In the Den with Dr. Jenn

Please Vote!
We were nominated for BOTH "Best Video Podcast" and "Best Produced"!

The official two-week voting period starts today.
Please Vote until November 6!
There's one catch - you can cast a vote once EVERY 24 HOURS.
But please vote at least once, if nothing else - I would really appreciate that!

It takes about one minute to vote.

1) Click on this link: http://www.podcastawards.com/

2) Vote in "Best Produced" and "Best Video Podcast" for In the Den with Dr. Jenn.

3) At the bottom, fill in your Name, Email Address, and whether you're a Listener, Podcaster, or Both.

4) Click Submit on the right. You may receive an email to "Verify Your Vote" - just click on the link they provide and you're done.

5) Go back after 24 hours and do it again! (If you would like daily email reminders for the next two weeks from me, just email me and write "Hook me up, Dr. Jenn!")

NOTE: They are hard core about people not illegally voting more than once a day from a particular IP address.

Thank you so much for all your support and time - keep your fingers crossed!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Breast Cancer Awareness - Think Before You Pink

In Session #63 of In the Den with Dr. Jenn released last October, I spoke about the politics of breast cancer. Although I don't have a podcast session this fall on the topic, I would like to reiterate how important I think it is to "Think Before You Pink."

There are so many products with pink ribbons on them. Breast Cancer Awareness is the "darling" of corporate American because it makes the corporations look like they care about our mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends. It's an incredibly powerful emotional marketing ploy. While a SMALL portion of what you pay for the product may go to breast cancer research, I think it's very important to know where the money is being directed, how it's being used, and whether the company produces products that could be CONTRIBUTING to the increase in breast cancer (e.g., environmental toxins, increased estrogen-like ingredients and additives).

I appreciate the work of Breast Cancer Action because they direct their attention and research funds towards prevention. And they offer a lot of helpful educational information on their web site!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego