The Erotic Mind - What Are Your Peak Sexual Experiences?

While I'm home in PA for the holidays with my family, I'm reading The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, PhD. This book was recommended through the AASECT (a professional sexuality organization) listserve, and with a subheading of "Unlocking the inner sources of sexual passion and fulfillment," how could I not be intrigued both personally and professionally?!

I haven't read that far into the book yet, but I am very pleased with the author's writing style and outside the box thinking. Instead of taking the standard "what's wrong" approach to sexual therapy and counseling, he starts with questions about peak sexual experiences and fantasies. This is a way to learn more about your erotic turn-ons, how you've tapped into that in the past, and setting the groundwork to create more passion in the future.

Thinking back, what were your most sexually arousing situations? What were the details and circumstances? Why do you think it was so arousing? The interesting thing here is that sometimes our most arousing memories don't involve sexual intercourse or even explicit sexual activity. It could be visual stimuli, or an attraction, or a desire. Or it could be a complex and wild and debauchous! It's a great way to focus on what has worked well for you in the past, and be creative in how to bring more of that to your erotic fulfillment.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Blocks to Intimacy and Sex --> Vulnerability?

Last night I hosted my monthly free Coed Coffee Chat. This month's topic was: What is Intimacy? How Can it be Improved?

I was really impressed with the depth of insights and sharing from the group of 12 women and men, most of whom had just met for the first time. As we made our initial round of introductions, we each stated why this topic piqued our interest. This sharing alone offered fascinating insights into the complicated and varied perceptions of the meaning of intimacy. For some, intimacy is something created with a partner who can be trusted with our fragile vulnerabilities. For others, intimacy is something that can be created with many people, from an intense eye gazing with a stranger, to a group of women supporting and loving one another. Is sex part of intimacy? Absolutely, if you want it to be. Sex can be a powerful pathway to intimacy and transcendence. But it is not necessary for intimacy.

Although we began the meeting with different understandings of what intimacy means, there seemed to be consensus that keys to true intimacy are open communication and a willingness to be transparent and vulnerable. Yes - vulnerability. Perhaps a terrifying word for some, yet the key to loving ourselves and allowing others in for blissful intimacy.

AND...I learned a new clever way to think about intimacy: In To Me You See. Cool!

*The photograph here is part of a fine art photography series of the sensual contours of the earth, Earth Erotica, by Heather Firth. She attended this month's discussion on Intimacy and shared her wisdom!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Consciousness Raising in Female Sexuality

I received a wonderful email today from a viewer. She wrote about the idea of consciousness-raising, and how she uses In the Den with Dr. Jenn for her own personal growth. I like the concept of consciousness-raising, and first heard about this as an undergrad learning about the feminist movement of the 1970s. Through gathering, learning, expressing, and implementing, groups of women would challenge their beliefs systems for personal and societal growth. Below are parts of the email I received:

Dr. Jenn,
I subscribed to your podcast at least a year ago. I just wanted to tell
you how much it has meant to me. You are wonderful! You are "out there" saying things that are so important to be in discussion in our society (and so important to me too). In fact, when I first downloaded the podcast I kept a journal of reflections regarding your ideas, statements, and the information you presented. It was like a consciousness raising for me. I watched your podcast like a class! I really like your tone and topics. Many of the podcasts concern things I have thought or read about before but not thought through enough to have integrated them into my life. The reflection journal helps me in that way. I enjoy the format of your show. It is a safe place to have these conversations, as you say each time. I am so grateful for your blend of fun and academic tone. Our society seems to put women into a box and not let them out. I live in Oklahoma and the stereotypes seem more narrow here. Did you know you were a role model? I bet you did. =0)

It means so much to me to receive emails like this! I'm actually creating a workbook to be used as a guide for self-learning and exploration with the podcast show, and I love that this viewer has already taken that into her own hands by creating a consciousness-raising journal. We are always hearing and learning new information, but unless we take the time to reflect on how it impacts us at a deep level and what we want to do with that knowledge, it may just go in one ear and out the other. This is a great example of a woman taking the bull by the horns in terms of her own self-education and sexual empowerment - I love it!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Bodily Pleasures - Swaying to My Own Beat

As I mentioned in an earlier blog about "Spirituality & Sexuality - Why Such a Split," pursuing and experiencing pleasure has gotten a bad rap. It's immature. It's superficial. It's selfish. And oddly enough, for a society with such a focus on individualism, selfishness (particularly for women, I'm wiling to claim) is condemned. Although we are constantly pursuing pleasures of the body, to say that you're doing it for its own sake, as an end in itself, seems to be a problem. This perspective is understandable to some extent, as a hedonistic approach to life could include feeling out of control or mis-prioritizing.

But like so much else, I look to apply a holistic perspective to pleasure and reframe it as a self-nurturing activity. Yesterday I experienced a session of movement therapy with musician and dance/music therapist Draza Jansky. We sat on the floor for awhile, discussing my relationship with my body, my experience of my physical body needing to "catch up" to my emotional and spiritual growth, and what it is to be in tune with and honoring of my body. I then stood with my eyes closed and just moved however I wanted as my friend observed. Despite my expectation of feeling awkward in being watched and my assumption that my inner critic would be full throttle, within minutes I felt peaceful yet inquisitive.

I was curious by my movements. I was appreciative to have the time devoted to a calm and gentle exploration. I was shocked that I felt thoroughly at home in my body and in a rare space of nonjudgment. I forgot I was being watched. How long I moved, swayed, stretched, and expanded, I do not know. What I do know is that I experienced pleasure. Holistic pleasure. I felt mentally and physically energized, emotionally and spiritually peaceful, and socially exempt. I was listening to my inner wisdom. And I was OK in each moment. This holistic pleasure, by way of my physical body, was nurturing and balancing and honoring and freeing. And felt damn good.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Thanksgiving - An Exercise for a Day of Gratitude & Appreciation

I received several emails and text messages from friends this year for Thanksgiving, referring to the holiday as a "Day of Gratitude." While this might not sound like much of a stretch from the word "Thanksgiving," I think the shift is a powerful one, especially when we shift further to appreciation.

Like most holidays in the United States, Thanksgiving has become commercialized and bastardized. The focus of the day often strays towards the overconsumption of food, meat, and alcohol, commiserating about annoying relatives, and zoning out in front of the television. Making a shift to calling it a "Day of Gratitude" opens our focus to expansive appreciation.

Stating what we're grateful for is a way to focus our thoughts on the positive in our life. I think that "appreciation" is the next step of actually feeling the gratitude - experiencing the expansion in our hearts when we cultivate appreciation. It lifts our spirits and helps us recognize how much beauty and joy is around us.

Try this short exercise: 1) Think about something you are very grateful for; 2) Place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and focus on the thoughts and feelings of why you appreciate that particular thing, what it provides for you, how it makes you feel, etc.; and 3) Breathe deeply into that feeling of appreciation and feel an expansion in your chest.

If you want to bring this practice to making positive shifts in your life, make a commitment to yourself to choose at least one day of each week that will be your personal day of gratitude. And...I'd like to express my appreciation by thanking you for reading this :)

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego

Spirituality & Sexuality - Why Such a Split?

Monday evening's Coed Coffee Chat was about "Do Spirituality & Sexuality Go Together? How?" Twenty-two women and men sat outside at a local coffee shop and first hashed out the basics, such as:

• What does spirituality mean?
• Why is there often such a split between spirituality and sexuality?
• Does that have to do with our definitions and understandings of "sexuality"?

And then the discussion delved into a a breadth of issues that group members found relevant, such as:

• Non-monogamy and how this challenges some people's understanding of a spiritual and sexual union.
• The power of sexual energy and how this is controlled by religions, cultures, etc.
• The need to objectify women for a man to be able to orgasm.
• Whether sexual activity early in a relationship can interfere with spiritual bonding or truly knowing someone.
• Whether we are all spiritual beings having a human/physical experience.

A particularly poignant observation was about how we learn at a young age that it is not OK to be human. We're not allowed to be human. We are embarrassed to be human. We are ashamed to be human. I think when we take this perspective towards understanding our experiences of pleasure, it makes a lot of sense. In terms of the split many of us experience between spirituality and sexuality, this may be because we learned that the mind should be elevated over the body, and spirituality is something to aspire to by forsaking bodily pleasures. Enjoying our bodies is wrong, because we should be embarrassed by what makes us like other animals (e.g., defecation, sex, bodily secretions).

I like the concept that we are all spiritual beings having human experiences. I think that is an empowering shift in perspective to bring us into an appreciation of our bodies, pleasure, and intimacy as it is all part of our spiritual journey.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD

Sex Therapy & Relationship Counseling in San Diego