Eating Sushi Off of a Naked Woman – When Fetishes & Feminism Collide

Would you eat sushi off of a naked woman? How about cake and fruit? Depending on your perspective, this experience might be: sexual or just sensual; demeaning or liberating; uncomfortable or light-hearted fun. There are times when my feminist philosophy is in direct opposition with my sex-positive beliefs.  These are confusing and uncomfortable moments, but moments when I see clearly that no belief system covers the full range and complexity of female sexuality.

Nyotaimori - Naked SushiNyotaimori, which means body sushi in Japanese, is not new, but I recently experienced it for the first time at a small birthday party. A very clean, naked woman, who was face-up and blindfolded, lay on blankets on the living room floor.  Six of us gathered on cushion around her, placing sushi roles around her body. Using the woman’s body as a table, and even referring to her as “table” was initially shocking.  When I’d heard about nyotaimori before, it seemed demeaning to the woman, and objectifying.  However, I was in a household where alternative sexualities were embraced, and BDSM and fetishes freely explored among consenting adults.  The blindfolded naked woman on the floor had clearly consented to be our table for the party. Was it right for me to judge that her blindfold and silence seemed so submissive? I wondered within what paradigm of female sexuality she consented?  A submissive woman, from a feminism perspective, is oppressed and disempowered. A submissive woman within the BDSM/fetish/kink world is potentially pleasuring herself and experiencing liberation or healing. Can both be correct? I’m not saying I am a slave (pun intended) to either of these belief systems, but that I like to think critically about both, as they inform my world view.

So the six of us decorated the blindfolded nude woman with sushi. Gratefully my vegetarian philosophies were not ALSO challenged here, as there was veggie sushi! Then we ate the sushi from her, with hands, chopsticks, or our mouths.  I felt very conscious of wanting to be respectful of her body and feeling of touch, yet I wasn’t sure what motivated her to be our table.  The dinner conversation was of the normal variety, albeit with more themes of body image, nakedness, and sexual beliefs in America.  At the conclusion of dinner, the hosts cleaned the woman with warm washcloths. On to dessert! 

For dessert we gingerly placed a full sheet cake (I kid you not) on her torso, and covered the rest of her with vanilla frosting, sprinkles, fruit…and little plastic animals and toy soldiers (once again, I kid you not). I would not have imagined that plastic figures would be appropriate, but I actually loved that part.  We created a path of evolution (from foot to breast) of dinosaurs, to barnyard animals, to the mingling of both on the cake top.  The “table” giggled at times, such as when a blackberry was placed between her toes, or when we made amusing comments while decorating.  Once our masterpiece was complete, we ate from her body with our hands. The cake was quite tasty, with a creamy pudding filling.  Later two of us smeared the rest of the cake and frosting over her body, in a thick mélange of color and sweetness.  Our “table” eventually showered to clean up and warm up.

Did I enjoy myself? I actually did, quite a bit. One, for the simple reason that I like sushi and cake. Second, I appreciate opportunities to practice what I preach and step outside my comfort zone regarding sex and bodies. Third, I loved the creative aspect, feeling like a child with food and toys and a new terrain. We laughed a lot, within a sensual, appreciative, and respectful context. 

And now that I’ve experienced that, it feels like not such a big deal.

P.S. I’ve received some questions regarding sushi and soy sauce. No, we did not use her belly button for dipping :)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, & University Sexuality Speaker, in San Diego, CA

Regain Your Relationship Soul

"We sell our soul in spoonfuls."

A client once paraphrased this quotation and it resonated deeply with me both personally and professionally. He was speaking to that seemingly incomprehensible transition from a wonderful, connected relationship, to one with walls, deceit, and hurt. How does this happen in such a loving context? One spoonful at a time.

It is often hard to see this deterioration happening in a relationship, until you are far down the path. A powerful foundation to set at the beginning of a relationship is regular check-in times. Even just 20 minutes every week, or one hour every month, can ensure you are on the same page. You can rate your satisfaction or awareness level in areas such as closeness, needs being met, fun, resentments, and feeling heard or understood. Use a 1-10 scale which allows you to quantify your feelings and monitor changes over time. This helps you notice potential problems earlier. The environment of each check-in should be compassionate, open-hearted, and non-defensive, while understanding that this context may take time to build.

If you're at the other end of the spectrum, in a long-term relationship and asking, "How did we get here?", you can still implement a similar structure. It's never too late. I suggest starting small, with each individual choosing one topic area that concerns the other, and making a commitment to work on it (e.g., communicate more, touch more, increase household chores, listen attentively, ask about your partner's day, share deep thoughts, plan quality time, etc.). At your weekly check-in, rate how much effort you put into your task and your partner can rate how much they perceived your efforts, and vice versa. Be kind with each other, as this is sensitive terrain. Clarify with specific ideas and suggestions if it feels like you're using different language, and commit to small daily actions.

Without structured accountability and feedback, it can be difficult to stay on target to shift and create new patterns. Creating a safe, nurturing environment once a week to bare your soul can give your relationship new life. And a spoonful at a time, you can feed each other's soul.

(Photo props: Found on this site.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, & University Sexuality Speaker -- San Diego, CA

Wife Suing Ex-Husband for Sexless Marriage? WTF?!

Here's the story: A man and woman in France were married for 21 years and divorced two years ago based on her complaint of no sex in their marriage. OK, that makes sense. But then the ex-wife came back and sued her ex-husband for this lack of sex in their marriage. And the judge ordered that the man pay his ex-wife approximately $14,000 for this breach of their marital contract. WTF?

This infuriates me on so many levels:

That the ex-wife would sue her husband for this reason.

That anyone thinks it is their business how much sex a couple is having.

That a judge entertained and granted such a charge.

That a slippery slope of bullshit precedent is potentially being set in the legal system.

I would like to know when it became alright to litigate how often a married couple should have sex? There may be a lot of things that married couples don't like about each other, or aren't ideal in their relationship, and many options from counseling, to workshops, new communication, praying, personal growth, shifting priorities or expectations, help from friends, to leaving. Even if the husband was unwilling to discuss or address this topic, it still does not necessitate the involvement of the legal system.

I can think of all sorts of ways that people are unhappy sexually in their marriages. Will we be able to sue if our spouse doesn't go down on us the way we like?  The list exhausts me.

This gets a big Dr. Jenn "Stamp of Disapproval"!

(The photo is my disgusted WTF expression :)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, & University Sexuality Speaker -- San Diego, CA

Sexualizing Girls? Toddlers & Tiaras

I just read an article that really irritated me. Enough for me to say, "That's bullshit," out loud. It was titled "Toddlers and Tiaras' and Sexualizing 3-year-olds" and described TLC's show about beauty pageants for young girls. Frankly it disgusted me.

The socially conservative folks in our country would have us believing that there are threats to "our children" at every turn. And yet the blatant sexualization of young girls in beauty pageants is supported by many parents. Yes, they are too young to understand the sexual humor and innuendo. No, they are not too young to learn that their value and worth apparently comes from looking sexy, being attractive, and flaunting their bodies. I'd like to check back with these parents when their girls are teens, and see where they stand then.

I think that as girls, what we are taught brings attention and worth from a young age, forms a strong foundation for self-worth and self-esteem in life. Learning to base self-worth on appearance and sex appeal is a slippery slope, from teenage girls who are getting physical attention without the emotional maturity to handle it, or adult women whose bodies are continually aging and changing, and therefore betraying them. That's a sure recipe for body hatred, which has a significant impact on self-esteem, self-expression, respect of one's body, and sexual satisfaction.

I can't wrap my brain around the motivation of parents with beauty pageant girls. Attention? Fame? Value? Self-importance?  Yes, these are things we all strive for, to make us feel whole and worthy. But, please don't use your little girls to battle your personal demons. And that goes for you too, TLC.

If you'd like to read the article that incited this rant, visit CNN's "Toddlers & Tiaras' and Sexualizing 3-Year-Olds."

(Regarding the photo, the article states: "A placard opposes a child beauty pageant organized by the U.S. "Toddlers and Tiaras" in Melbourne, Australia, on July 30.")

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus

San Diego - Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, University Sexuality Speaker

Love Your Body Day - Why Does this Matter for Women's Body Image?

I've been involved with several Love Your Body Day events in the past few years. Love Your Body Day was created by the NOW Foundation in 1998 to raise awareness about the depiction of women, women's bodies, and female sexuality in the media and popular culture. The NOW Foundation's Love Your Body website explains, "Hollywood and the fashion, cosmetics and diet industries work hard to make each of us believe that our bodies are unacceptable and need constant improvement."

Poor body-image is a topic that repeatedly surfaces with my female counseling clients and college students. It's an insidious weight that seems to follow women throughout their lives. And for many of us, the belief that a large part of our value, worth, and attention is derived from physical attractiveness, is ingrained from a young age. It impacts our ability for self-love, enjoyment of sexual activity, appreciation of our lives, and to know how to really honor ourselves.

What can we do about this? How can we improve body-image and help other women? I think it's a continual, daily process, of improving mindfulness. It's about noticing the negative thought patterns and reframing, finding and concentrating on what you have to grateful for, and creating your own version/vision of sexy.  When I guide women and students through this process, I use a holistic approach, meaning we delve into the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual components. And then find a few small steps that can be taken every day to shift the tide.

Learning to love our bodies does not happen overnight, but is a gradual process of raising awareness, redefining, appreciating, and enjoying. This year's Love Your Body Day is on October 19, 2011. If your college, university, or women's organization is looking for a memorable and impactful speaker on this topic, please get in touch with me.

San Diego Sex Talk Show - Video Podcast Shoot for In the Den with Dr. Jenn

This past Saturday night we had our monthly In the Den with Dr. Jenn video podcast shoot, at the Box Line Box studio in downtown San Diego. Enjoy the photos of our backstage fun, from the guests who I interviewed (on great topics like tantra, women and kink, and media and sexual health), and the audience who cheered them on. It was a HOT night in the studio, with the August weather AND the topics of conversation :)