Dear Dr. Jenn - Too Stressed for Sex

Dear Dr. Jenn~

My girlfriend and I haven’t been having much sex recently and I think it’s because I’m always stressed about work. I just don’t feel like having sex much (I never thought I would say that!) and although it’s still good when we have it, I feel like I’m always distracted. I’m 29 and my girlfriend says I’m too young to be feeling this way! What can I do to want sex more?

Thanks,

Too Stressed for Sex

—-

http://idiva.com/photogallery-health/too-stressed-to-enjoy-sex/4335Dear Too Stressed for Sex,

Work stress can definitely take a toll on a relationship, as well as your ability to enjoy sex. Unfortunately as Americans, we often “live to work” instead of “work to live,” and this focus on work can detract from other more meaningful parts of our lives. Stress can impact sex in multiple ways. First, the ongoing release of stress hormones in the body can cause our adrenal glands to inhibit our sex hormones. This can mean a reduced sex drive. As well, stress fatigues the body and can interfere with sleep, all leading to less energy for life overall, let alone sex. You also said that you are distracted during sex, which sounds like you can’t let go of work once you are home.  This can certainly hamper your pleasure in the moment, and I’m guessing your girlfriend can tell the difference too.

One of the best ways to reduce stress is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is being present in the moment, and observing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, without judgment. This is a skill that can be learned through daily practices. I suggest sitting quietly for 10 to 15 minutes each day, to start retraining your brain. Just begin by observing your breath. If your thoughts lead you away from observing your breath, gently bring your focus back. Do this over and over and over again. That is the practice of mindfulness. It sometimes helps people to label their thoughts once they notice the distraction. You can ask yourself: Was I planning? Worrying? Judging myself? Making a list? Organizing? Place a label on the thought pattern and bring yourself back to the present moment. I also recommend finding a guided mindfulness meditation online to help strengthen your focus and build your meditative muscles.

What does mindfulness or mediation have to do with sex? Research has found that mindfulness-based practices are incredibly valuable in reducing stress. As outlined above, reducing stress is important for your sex drive. Mindfulness can also help you slow down, be more aware of your state of being, and make different choices regarding thoughts and feelings. This will allow you to be more present with your girlfriend. The more you practice mindfulness in everyday ways, the easier it will be to apply to the bedroom. This will keep your sexual energy flowing and help you enjoy the delicious sensations in the moment.

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

237 Reasons for Sex

http://www.lossless-music.com/rock/427-the-ark-in-lust-we-trust-flac.htmlThere are 237 reasons why people have sex, according to a 2007 research study about college students in Austin, TX. That is a lot of reasons for sex, and way beyond the “typical” reasons related to stress reduction, experiencing pleasure, expressing affection, obligation, or to have a baby. This shows us that sex and sexuality are more complicated than we may think (e.g., some unexpected reasons for sex were revenge, being dared, to feel powerful, to keep warm, to get a promotion, to be nice, to get gifts, and to burn calories).

Last week I was in Sweden and presented an interactive lecture called “What is Sexuality?” at Lund University. Lund University was founded in 1666 and through its academic reputation attracts not just Swedish students, but an international student body. Projekt Sex, a sexual health peer education student group, known for their “condom raids” at college parties, arranged my visit to the university.

Of all places to speak about sex and sexuality, the Swedes really seem to have their shit together. They have one of the most open, educational approaches to sex that I’ve seen, and are quite egalitarian regarding gender roles (although racial topics may be a different story). Casual sex is largely an accepted norm. Virginity is not a big deal, nor is marriage. I am generalizing, but compared to the United States, these differences really stood out. Additionally, they have much lower rates of teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.

The audience for my lecture included individuals representing 10 different countries, including Germany, Turkey, the UK, and the Netherlands, as well as Sweden and the United States. I presented the concept of sexuality as a journey, and whether we grew up in a sexually permissive or a sexually restrictive society, we all have our unique journey around sexuality. In this journey, I included developing knowledge and comfort around a variety of topics, such as sexual anatomy, vulnerability, masturbation, liking your body, self-expression, birth control, presence, healing sexual trauma, orgasm, and creativity. There is no end goal for this journey, just continuing personal growth on the path of satisfaction and joy.

This approach to sexuality, as a personal journey located within a cultural context, seemed to resonate with the audience. A man from Iran realized that he had learned a lot about preventing sexually transmitted infections, but not about the emotional components of sex. A woman from the UK shared that sexual expression for her was about asking for what she wanted, and also asking for what she did not want. A Swedish man and a Chinese man recognized how vastly different their cultural upbringings were regarding sexual topics.

Sex and sexuality are sensitive topics in most, if not all, cultures. The meaning they have is shaped by our cultural upbringing, but being exposed to other cultures, and therefore other viewpoints, can help us expand our knowledge and comfort around sexual topics. This sexual journey helps us know ourselves better and also provides a window into better understanding the meaning of sex for our partners. This can help make sex a little less complicated, which means better sex for all.

(This was originally posted as part of the Sex & Love Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Why Discipline (Not the Spanking Kind!) is Necessary

“I’m exhausted but I said I’d do it, so I have to do it!”
“I’m just not feeling it right now, so I’m going to have to cancel on you.”
 
Which of the above represents you? Are you into strict discipline of the self? Or do you make choices only through the lens of self-nurturing?
 
I’ve been thinking a lot about the balance between discipline and self-nurturing, or discipline and compassion. One of my intentions for the new year was to actively create a more mindful life, and one of my commitments in that regard is taking an 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course through UCSD’s Center for Mindfulness. I am several weeks in, and am exploring the course for both personal and professional growth.
 
I have participated in some courses with a heavy emphasis on discipline, to the point that participants seemed scared to share dissenting views. I’ve experienced programs with so much emphasis on self-nurturing, that it allows for wallowing but not growth. I like the balance in the MBSR course. We have homework assignments of both formal and informal practices to cultivate mindfulness. However, within the structure of the practice, anything goes, even distractions and falling asleep. Mindfulness is not about “doing” anything, but about noticing all the nuances of being, including our reactions and judgments.
 
It is difficult to break ingrained habits, and it can be difficult to create new patterns. This is why discipline is necessary in the personal growth process. We need some structure and accountability to consistently practice doing new things, and being in new ways. On the flip side, discipline without compassion can keep our walls up. We can go through the motions without opening to feel the process. Compassion towards ourselves is important to stop us from beating ourselves up in the personal growth process, and learning to accept "what is" without judgment.
 
Do you have a “personal growth” project that has been a struggle? This could be exercise, more mindfulness, taking down time, being kinder to your kids, finding a passion, speaking your truth, etc. Look at how you can strike a balance between discipline and nurturing. How can you create a structure to commit yourself to this new practice, but grant compassion for yourself within that practice? I think this balance is invaluable in the realm of personal growth, and is foundational to creating sustainable growth.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

(Image source: http://askdaguru1.blogspot.com/2012/01/discipline-gives-freedom.html)

Part 1/3: 3 Keys to Building Healthy Relationships (Especially for Young Women)

I had 20 minutes to speak on this topic recently at the Girl Fest San Diego launch event. Twenty minutes can hardly do justice to the complicated topic of building healthy relationships. So I focused on three factors that are key to my counseling work, especially for young women. And I offered immediately applicable tips so hopefully the audience would go home ready to apply some new, simple practices.

Key 1: Cultivating mindfulness

I write about and speak on mindfulness A LOT. It's at the core of my work. Mindfulness is awareness in the present moment. Sounds easy? The concept is simple, but the practice is complicated, because we often have a lot of mind chatter distracting us. Beyond awareness and observation, practicing mindfulness also means not judging what you observe.

There are so many ways this is important in building healthy relationships. Mindfulness allows us to know ourselves more deeply and consciously. This means we can be more responsible with our emotions, and authentic with ourselves and our partners, not hiding behind facades. This type of presense makes sexual encounters more meaningful in that mind chatter, distractions, and judments don't get in the way of sensual pleasure and connection. Mindfulness is also an amazing gift in a relationship; truly being present with someone, listening and being engaged, not thinking about what you want to say next, is deeply validating.

One of the simplest ways to practice this is when you're driving every day. While stopped at a red light, use it as a opportunity to slow down and practice mindfulness. Take several deep breaths, roll your window down and breath in the fresh air, notice the colors around you, and appreciate the red light as a gift. Another exercise I love is "making love to an orange." Take an orange, slowly peel it, and eat it over the span of 20 minutes. Move slowly, using all 5 senses, to explore each little juice pocket bursting with citrus-y goodness.  Mindfulness is a skill that requires daily exercise to develop. However, these practices don't have to take up a lot of your time, but it is important to make it part of your daily commitment.

(Part 2 and 3 will be posted this week!)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, & College Sexual Health Speaker

Did You Miss the Moonwalking Bear? How Expectations Create Our Reality

(This essay is from my January 2012 Den Newsletter. To see the entire newsletter, click e-newsletter.)

Have you ever watched the video with 8 people passing a basketball, where you're instructed to count the number of passes for the team in white? When your focus is on counting passes, you completely miss a bear who moonwalks through the center of the drill. When you watch again to see the bear, it seems impossible that you missed it the first time. But we often don't see what is right in front of us.

When we expect to see something, our mind will focus on what we expect to see. If we don't expect to perceive something, we could very well miss it. This power of expectation and focus allows us to efficiently use our brains, but this efficiency often sets us on automatic pilot. Automatic pilot means we could miss change or difference.

I have witnessed this happen in my private practice. I've sat with a couple in a session, and observed them bantering about a sensitive, hot topic. At one point, the husband looked at me and exclaimed, "See? She's doing it again! She was just trying to control me." I sat in front of them perplexed and honestly replied, "I don't see it." He expected to see a certain kind of behavior, and therefore he perceived it that way. Since I did not have expectation or emotional investment, I was aware of a range of nuanced emotions.

As well, I've sat with a dating couple in a similar circumstance, when the girlfriend turned to me and exploded, "He doesn't care about me - he just said it!" I gently shook my head and said, "That's not what I heard him say. I actually heard him indicate the opposite." Often the individual is quiet and knows what I'm talking about, but isn't sure how to shift their expectations.

In this new year, I suggest a commitment to stop looking for the pain and start looking for the positive. If you look for the love, kindness, and affection, you just might find more than you knew was there. Be open to shifting your perspective to see what truly IS there. It might surprise you, like a dancing bear :)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

(Fun brain image from: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/356kke/)

GiRL FeST San Diego Official Launch Party

GiRL FeSt has been holding educational anti-violence festivals in Hawaii since 2003, and now San Diego is lauching its own GiRL FeST movement. Through art, music, education, and community-building, this nonprofit is focused on changing peer culture. They create safe spaces to teach girls and young women about the power inside them, so they never have to be in disempowering situations.

I had tea with San Diego founder, Nikole Ryan, this past Friday, and was inspired by the big picture approach of this organization. I am pleased to be one of the speakers at this Friday's official launch party, amidst other speakers, comedians, musicians, spoken word performers, and artists. My topic is "3 Keys to Building Healthy Intimacy." If you want to learn more, celebrate the launch, or just be surrounded by movers and shakers, come out for the kick-off event!

Friday, January 13, 7pm start time - FREE

Artlab Studios: 3536 Adams Ave, San Diego, CA 92216

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker