Dear Dr. Jenn - Too Stressed for Sex

Dear Dr. Jenn~

My girlfriend and I haven’t been having much sex recently and I think it’s because I’m always stressed about work. I just don’t feel like having sex much (I never thought I would say that!) and although it’s still good when we have it, I feel like I’m always distracted. I’m 29 and my girlfriend says I’m too young to be feeling this way! What can I do to want sex more?

Thanks,

Too Stressed for Sex

—-

http://idiva.com/photogallery-health/too-stressed-to-enjoy-sex/4335Dear Too Stressed for Sex,

Work stress can definitely take a toll on a relationship, as well as your ability to enjoy sex. Unfortunately as Americans, we often “live to work” instead of “work to live,” and this focus on work can detract from other more meaningful parts of our lives. Stress can impact sex in multiple ways. First, the ongoing release of stress hormones in the body can cause our adrenal glands to inhibit our sex hormones. This can mean a reduced sex drive. As well, stress fatigues the body and can interfere with sleep, all leading to less energy for life overall, let alone sex. You also said that you are distracted during sex, which sounds like you can’t let go of work once you are home.  This can certainly hamper your pleasure in the moment, and I’m guessing your girlfriend can tell the difference too.

One of the best ways to reduce stress is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is being present in the moment, and observing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, without judgment. This is a skill that can be learned through daily practices. I suggest sitting quietly for 10 to 15 minutes each day, to start retraining your brain. Just begin by observing your breath. If your thoughts lead you away from observing your breath, gently bring your focus back. Do this over and over and over again. That is the practice of mindfulness. It sometimes helps people to label their thoughts once they notice the distraction. You can ask yourself: Was I planning? Worrying? Judging myself? Making a list? Organizing? Place a label on the thought pattern and bring yourself back to the present moment. I also recommend finding a guided mindfulness meditation online to help strengthen your focus and build your meditative muscles.

What does mindfulness or mediation have to do with sex? Research has found that mindfulness-based practices are incredibly valuable in reducing stress. As outlined above, reducing stress is important for your sex drive. Mindfulness can also help you slow down, be more aware of your state of being, and make different choices regarding thoughts and feelings. This will allow you to be more present with your girlfriend. The more you practice mindfulness in everyday ways, the easier it will be to apply to the bedroom. This will keep your sexual energy flowing and help you enjoy the delicious sensations in the moment.

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Dear Dr. Jenn - Sex is a Pain!

DImage from: http://kahilas.blogspot.com/2011/06/whats-causing-your-pelvic-pain.htmlear Dr. Jenn,

Is it normal to have pain when I have sex with my boyfriend? It’s not all the time, but about half the time I have to stop him once he’s inside because it hurts too much. What should we do?

Thank you!

- Sex is a Pain

—–

Dear Sex is a Pain,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain! But very happy that you brought it up, since you are not alone. A 2010 Indiana University study found that one third of women reported genital pain during their last sexual encounter. First, a few clarifying questions: Where is the pain located? Is it inside or outside your vagina? What does the pain feel like, for example, is it burning or sore? Has this happened with past partners? Can you pinpoint any differences between the times you have pain and the times you do not?

If the pain is deep inside and only occasional, it might be connected to changes in your menstrual cycle, which can shift your cervix and uterus. I suggest that you alter sexual positions when there’s pain, to find one that doesn’t allow for deep penetration. On the other hand, if the pain is right around the entrance to your vagina, there are likely other factors coming into play, such as lubrication and time. Since the pain is not always present, I’m guessing that the difference could be that you haven’t had enough time to get all juicy and lubricated. All bodies are different, and some people need more foreplay prior to intercourse to allow their genitals to engorge with blood and for the body to kick in with natural vaginal lubrication. More finger and tongue action around the vulva and vaginal opening should better prepare you for penetration. Also, adding a personal lubricant can help reduce unwanted friction (I recommend brands like Sliquid, Hathor Aphrodisia, or Pink). If you believe you have a physical problem that is not addressed here or is more serious (e.g., vulvodynia), we are lucky in San Diego to have the Sexual Medicine Clinic at Alvarado Hospital, so you can visit them to determine the source of your pain.

It’s very important that you openly discuss this with your boyfriend and that BOTH of you are doing what you can to stop the pain. Sometimes women grin and bear it, but in the long run this creates a negative feedback loop around sex. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners and I hope this helps you achieve that. I wish you happy and healthy sex!

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

*This article was originally posted to the Sex & Love Blog Series at Pacific San Diego Magazine.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Women are Sexual & Sluts are Great!

(I just posted this blog to Pacific San Diego Magazine's blogger series.)

Rush Limbaugh’s recent “slut-bashing” incident brought to light how we Americans perceive and experience our sexuality. If you missed this or want the full story, read about Limbaugh’s slut slandering of a female Georgetown law student, in response to her testifying before Congress about access to birth control. The incident is fraught with controversy, so for now, let’s just look at the use of the word “slut.”

Slut Walk San DiegoWhat is a “slut?” Generally, it is a derogatory word used for a woman who is considered too sexual. This begs the question, what does “too sexual” mean, and who decides how much sex is too much for an adult woman? It’s a funny world we live in, where women are highly desired for their sexuality, but criticized, by both women and men, if they want to be in control of that sexuality.

Why is there such a low threshold for acceptable sexual expression for women compared to men? I know a lot of men who like sex, and wish that women were encouraged to like it as much as them! However, there is a distinct gender difference in who is allowed to be sexual without stigma. Research shows that women often report a lower than truthful number of sexual partners. Men, on the other hand, report a higher number. Clearly, both genders have internalized what is appropriate sexual behavior.

Why does it matter if we call a girl or woman a slut? When a woman is labeled a slut, the stigma can be very real in its impact and consequences. For example, labeling a high school girl a slut has long been one of the top insults that can be hurled, and can negatively impact the girl’s reputation, enjoyment of high school, and circle of friends. This hasn’t changed in the 20 years since I was in high school, and with the recent recognition of the dangers of bullying, perhaps this is something to which we should pay more attention.

I believe there is so much controversy around “sluts” because sex is powerful and provocative. People make a lot of decisions based on their sex drive, some empowering and some pretty damn foolish (e.g., look at the fall of so many male politicians and religious leaders who can’t keep their dicks in their pants). I think sexual women have long been the scapegoats of powerful men. Our sexual decisions sometimes have big consequences, but labeling women for choosing to be sexual, when it benefits the women AND men, shouldn’t be one of those consequences.

I think a slut is a woman who seeks sexual experiences and enjoys being sexual. That doesn’t sound so bad to me. Last year, the “Slut Walk” movement in many major cities was a way to reclaim women’s sexual expression, and stop blaming sexual assault on women’s fashion choices. San Diego proudly hosted a Slut Walk in June, 2011. Perhaps a chant of “Two, Four, Six, Eight. Women are Sexual and Sluts are Great!” is something we should all take to the streets.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Top 5: San Diego Spots for Outdoor Sex

I am the new Sex & Love Blogger for Pacific San Diego Magazine. Please comment on my first post about enjoying some outdoor friskiness in San Diego!

We are very lucky. San Diego is a warm city, with so many stunning outdoor locations. For the sexually adventurous, this means opportunities for romantic outdoor sex. Below, I offer my top 5 San Diego locales for frisky encounters. Please feel free to comment on your favorite locations!

5. Black’s Beach. This may seem like an obvious choice, since Black’s Beach is our local nude beach, but it also has exquisite beauty with red bluffs, crashing waves, and romantic seclusion. There are some unique considerations for this area, including hang gliders above, sketchy male voyeurs, and naked volleyball players (which sounds way better than it looks). Nonetheless, Black’s Beach is a hidden gem.

4. Balboa Park. Between the architecture and horticulture, Balboa Park is a buffet to the senses. I recommend any location where you can tuck away for some privacy but still be visually and audibly stimulated through nature or relaxing fountains. If you are there when it’s crowded, as a courtesy to others, look for one of the more secluded wooded areas.

3. Bird Rock. I hope this one surprises you, since we don’t hear a lot about this location. While this is the name of a neighborhood in La Jolla, there is also an actual “bird rock” – a rock situated in the ocean just beyond the beach, where birds like to hang out. I think having sex on a rock in the ocean is just cool. But be warned: you will probably have to stand, there’s ample bird crap, and the little crabs might nibble at your bare behind.

2. Coronado Beach. The white beaches of Coronado are beautiful, day and night. I suggest finding a private spot on the beach at nighttime, with the lights of the Hotel Del dancing in the distance. This iconic San Diego landmark adds an element of Hollywood romance to your sandy rendez-vous.

1. Sunset Cliffs in Pt. Loma.Sunset Cliffs is a sensual wonderland, from the deep blue ocean, waves crashing against the cliffs, salty sea air, navigation of the rocks, to the surprise picnic you pack. I think this setting is also better at nighttime, but be careful traversing the cliffs. So take your time, soaking in the natural energy along with your partner’s passion.

There are some obvious logistical concerns with outdoor sex. If you will be lying down, a soft, thick blanket is necessary cushioning, plus a second blanket for privacy. Standing is a good quickie option, but think about accessible clothing. And, if you are going to partake in such activities, please use caution to not frighten small children or get arrested. Nobody needs in flagrante delicto legal charges. Happy exploring!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

"Ask the Shrinks" - Dr. Jenn as Special Valentine's Guest on San Diego Fox 5

CLICK ON PHOTO TO VIEW VIDEO.

Once a week, San Diego Fox 5 News hosts "Ask the Shrinks*," and today for Valentine's Day I was their sex therapist guest. I really enjoyed bantering with the two psychologists and addressing viewer questions about sex and relationships from multiple angles. This is Part 2 of our segment (I can't find Part 1 online). Don't miss when I mention one of my favorite activities for couples: Happy Naked Fun Time!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, & College Sexual Health Speaker

*Disclaimer: For the record, I am not officially a "shrink," because I'm a sociologist, not a psychologist!

How Do Men Answer Tough Dating Questions? Sex Therapist Dr. Jenn on Fox 5 News

Have you been cheated on? What do you think about paying for meals? What about women who are dominant in the bedroom?

I was interviewed as a San Diego Sex Therapist on the Fox 5 Morning News last week, and this is Part 2 of the segment we did with seven bachelors (Part 1 is HERE). They handled themselves very well :) I was on the news promoting an event called Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex.

CLICK ON PHOTO TO VIEW VIDEO

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker