How (and When) to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Talking to your children about sex can be such an embarassing and confusing topic! What values do you want them to have? At what age should you start? Should you just lay down the law? I was interviewed on San Diego Living about this topic, since kids are heading back to school this fall. There was so, so, so much more I wanted to say, but hopefully this gets you thinking in some new directions!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, and Sociologist

50 Shades of Grey - Dr. Jenn interviewed on San Diego Living by Kristen Mosteller

I was excited for my first appearance on San Diego Living. What a great crew of folks over there. Kristen Mosteller interviewed me about why the 50 Shades of Grey series is so popular with women, and how to bring a little of that into your own bedroom. I also wrote a sex & love blog about this recently if you'd like to check that out.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, College Sexual Health Speaker

Dear Dr. Jenn - Alcohol is a Relationship Buzzkill

Dear Dr. Jenn~

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and usually get along really well. But recently when we’re out drinking, things get really ugly and we end up in huge fights. I know we love each other a lot, but is this a sign that we’re not compatible? What should we do?

Thanks,

Alcohol is a Relationship Buzzkill

http://www.faithfulforlife.com/how-to-kill-the-beast-in-your-marriage.htmlDear Alcohol Buzzkill,

This is a great question and a frequent problem I hear about in relationships. Alcohol is a double-edged sword—so much fun and a wonderful social lubricant, yet it can bring out the worst in us. I’m going to approach this question from three perspectives.

First, many assume that alcohol is a truth serum and what surfaces while under the influence reveals the “true self.” This is not necessarily true. The interaction between alcohol and the brain is much more complicated than that. So don’t presume that what is said while drunk reveals the truth and means you don’t love each other.

That being said, it is common to have unmet needs and unstated resentments in relationships. These can be triggered while drinking because people use the lowered inhibitions to speak their minds. Therefore, it’s important to create an ongoing safe space in your relationship to voice resentments. This needs to be done in a responsible way that doesn’t involve drinking or defensiveness.

Finally, an obvious and critical suggestion is to cut down on your alcohol consumption. Or at least have a glass of water every so often to slow yourself down. Since this is a known weakness in your relationship, change it or you might lose your boyfriend. If one or both of you become a real ass when drunk, then it’s time to grow up and own it. I think talking this through and making a few shifts in your relationship can ensure this doesn’t become an on-going problem.

Good luck,

Dr. Jenn

(This was originally posted as part of the Pacific San Diego Magazine's Love & Sex Blogger series.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Break Through Your Sexual Blocks

What can you do to get past your sexual blocks? Those things that are keeping you from enjoying sex, connecting deeply with others, and embracing intimacy?

I was recently interviewed by Michael Peak, of the Magicial Breakthroughs blogtalkradio program, about my advice around sexuality, and my views on topics from pornography, to holistic sexuality, to creativity. Michael begins with a brief hypnotherapy session to help reduce your sexual blocks, and around 8 minutes in, he starts interviewing me about my practice and perspective.

We touch on some pretty interesting topics! LISTEN HERE.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Dear Dr. Jenn - Too Stressed for Sex

Dear Dr. Jenn~

My girlfriend and I haven’t been having much sex recently and I think it’s because I’m always stressed about work. I just don’t feel like having sex much (I never thought I would say that!) and although it’s still good when we have it, I feel like I’m always distracted. I’m 29 and my girlfriend says I’m too young to be feeling this way! What can I do to want sex more?

Thanks,

Too Stressed for Sex

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http://idiva.com/photogallery-health/too-stressed-to-enjoy-sex/4335Dear Too Stressed for Sex,

Work stress can definitely take a toll on a relationship, as well as your ability to enjoy sex. Unfortunately as Americans, we often “live to work” instead of “work to live,” and this focus on work can detract from other more meaningful parts of our lives. Stress can impact sex in multiple ways. First, the ongoing release of stress hormones in the body can cause our adrenal glands to inhibit our sex hormones. This can mean a reduced sex drive. As well, stress fatigues the body and can interfere with sleep, all leading to less energy for life overall, let alone sex. You also said that you are distracted during sex, which sounds like you can’t let go of work once you are home.  This can certainly hamper your pleasure in the moment, and I’m guessing your girlfriend can tell the difference too.

One of the best ways to reduce stress is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is being present in the moment, and observing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, without judgment. This is a skill that can be learned through daily practices. I suggest sitting quietly for 10 to 15 minutes each day, to start retraining your brain. Just begin by observing your breath. If your thoughts lead you away from observing your breath, gently bring your focus back. Do this over and over and over again. That is the practice of mindfulness. It sometimes helps people to label their thoughts once they notice the distraction. You can ask yourself: Was I planning? Worrying? Judging myself? Making a list? Organizing? Place a label on the thought pattern and bring yourself back to the present moment. I also recommend finding a guided mindfulness meditation online to help strengthen your focus and build your meditative muscles.

What does mindfulness or mediation have to do with sex? Research has found that mindfulness-based practices are incredibly valuable in reducing stress. As outlined above, reducing stress is important for your sex drive. Mindfulness can also help you slow down, be more aware of your state of being, and make different choices regarding thoughts and feelings. This will allow you to be more present with your girlfriend. The more you practice mindfulness in everyday ways, the easier it will be to apply to the bedroom. This will keep your sexual energy flowing and help you enjoy the delicious sensations in the moment.

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Dear Dr. Jenn - Sex is a Pain!

DImage from: http://kahilas.blogspot.com/2011/06/whats-causing-your-pelvic-pain.htmlear Dr. Jenn,

Is it normal to have pain when I have sex with my boyfriend? It’s not all the time, but about half the time I have to stop him once he’s inside because it hurts too much. What should we do?

Thank you!

- Sex is a Pain

—–

Dear Sex is a Pain,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain! But very happy that you brought it up, since you are not alone. A 2010 Indiana University study found that one third of women reported genital pain during their last sexual encounter. First, a few clarifying questions: Where is the pain located? Is it inside or outside your vagina? What does the pain feel like, for example, is it burning or sore? Has this happened with past partners? Can you pinpoint any differences between the times you have pain and the times you do not?

If the pain is deep inside and only occasional, it might be connected to changes in your menstrual cycle, which can shift your cervix and uterus. I suggest that you alter sexual positions when there’s pain, to find one that doesn’t allow for deep penetration. On the other hand, if the pain is right around the entrance to your vagina, there are likely other factors coming into play, such as lubrication and time. Since the pain is not always present, I’m guessing that the difference could be that you haven’t had enough time to get all juicy and lubricated. All bodies are different, and some people need more foreplay prior to intercourse to allow their genitals to engorge with blood and for the body to kick in with natural vaginal lubrication. More finger and tongue action around the vulva and vaginal opening should better prepare you for penetration. Also, adding a personal lubricant can help reduce unwanted friction (I recommend brands like Sliquid, Hathor Aphrodisia, or Pink). If you believe you have a physical problem that is not addressed here or is more serious (e.g., vulvodynia), we are lucky in San Diego to have the Sexual Medicine Clinic at Alvarado Hospital, so you can visit them to determine the source of your pain.

It’s very important that you openly discuss this with your boyfriend and that BOTH of you are doing what you can to stop the pain. Sometimes women grin and bear it, but in the long run this creates a negative feedback loop around sex. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners and I hope this helps you achieve that. I wish you happy and healthy sex!

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

*This article was originally posted to the Sex & Love Blog Series at Pacific San Diego Magazine.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker