Did You Miss the Moonwalking Bear? How Expectations Create Our Reality

(This essay is from my January 2012 Den Newsletter. To see the entire newsletter, click e-newsletter.)

Have you ever watched the video with 8 people passing a basketball, where you're instructed to count the number of passes for the team in white? When your focus is on counting passes, you completely miss a bear who moonwalks through the center of the drill. When you watch again to see the bear, it seems impossible that you missed it the first time. But we often don't see what is right in front of us.

When we expect to see something, our mind will focus on what we expect to see. If we don't expect to perceive something, we could very well miss it. This power of expectation and focus allows us to efficiently use our brains, but this efficiency often sets us on automatic pilot. Automatic pilot means we could miss change or difference.

I have witnessed this happen in my private practice. I've sat with a couple in a session, and observed them bantering about a sensitive, hot topic. At one point, the husband looked at me and exclaimed, "See? She's doing it again! She was just trying to control me." I sat in front of them perplexed and honestly replied, "I don't see it." He expected to see a certain kind of behavior, and therefore he perceived it that way. Since I did not have expectation or emotional investment, I was aware of a range of nuanced emotions.

As well, I've sat with a dating couple in a similar circumstance, when the girlfriend turned to me and exploded, "He doesn't care about me - he just said it!" I gently shook my head and said, "That's not what I heard him say. I actually heard him indicate the opposite." Often the individual is quiet and knows what I'm talking about, but isn't sure how to shift their expectations.

In this new year, I suggest a commitment to stop looking for the pain and start looking for the positive. If you look for the love, kindness, and affection, you just might find more than you knew was there. Be open to shifting your perspective to see what truly IS there. It might surprise you, like a dancing bear :)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

(Fun brain image from: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/356kke/)

GiRL FeST San Diego Official Launch Party

GiRL FeSt has been holding educational anti-violence festivals in Hawaii since 2003, and now San Diego is lauching its own GiRL FeST movement. Through art, music, education, and community-building, this nonprofit is focused on changing peer culture. They create safe spaces to teach girls and young women about the power inside them, so they never have to be in disempowering situations.

I had tea with San Diego founder, Nikole Ryan, this past Friday, and was inspired by the big picture approach of this organization. I am pleased to be one of the speakers at this Friday's official launch party, amidst other speakers, comedians, musicians, spoken word performers, and artists. My topic is "3 Keys to Building Healthy Intimacy." If you want to learn more, celebrate the launch, or just be surrounded by movers and shakers, come out for the kick-off event!

Friday, January 13, 7pm start time - FREE

Artlab Studios: 3536 Adams Ave, San Diego, CA 92216

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

Mommies & Sex - What Happened to My Sex Life? Sex After Children: #145

Dr. Jenn interviews the SEXUCATOR, Cathy Nguyen, about what new moms can do to maintain an active and playful sex life. She offers lots of great ideas for sex after children.

SEXUAL FUN FACT
How do sperm, once they are inside a woman, find the ova (egg)? (Hint: They use a sense...)

SPECIAL DEN SEX-TION
The Den Sex Position of the Day - What is "The Out of Town Guests"?

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, and College Sexual Health Speaker

Why Sex Education Matters

I read a question today posed to sex ed practitioners: Why does sex education matter to you?

My initial response is a petulant, "Because it does!"

My delayed responses are a bit more thoughtful :)

We are sexual creatures. We were created this way, born this way, experience pleasure this way, and connect with others this way. However, enjoying a fulfilling sex life doesn't necessarily come naturally. There's a lot of learn, understand, consider, and reflect on, that is, if you want to know how to please others and maintain sexual happiness.

Sex is a powerful life source of vitality and joy. However, because of its power, it's also wraught with complications, exploitations, shame, and hurt. Not talking about sex education does not make these negative aspects go away. It actually makes them worse. I'm reminded of the public service announcement that ends with a jingle and the phrase, "The more you know." Yes, it is the same with sex. The more we know the more empowered (not corrupted) we become.

When I approach sex education, mostly with adults, but occasionally with teens, I employ a holistic approach. Sex education is not just about condoms, the reproductive system, and avoiding STIs. Sex is a big picture topic, and warrants a complex approach including physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual components. When we can feel safe enough to know ourselves sexually, be creative in exploring it, and share our sexual stories, we are all better for it.

(Fun image is from: http://sexeducationmatters.tumblr.com/post/7335562620/back-up-your-birth-control)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, College Sexual Health Speaker

How to Understand Men - My Grumpy Husband: #147

Dr. Jenn invites Jonathan and Mara Hoover into the den, to discuss 6 things that tend to put men in a bad mood, and Mara's funny new book "My Grumpy Husband."

SEXUAL FUN FACT
What color do men find most sexy on women?

WHAT'S THAT SEX WORD MEAN?
Priapism

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, and College Sexual Health Speaker -- San Diego, CA

Safer Sex & Baby Boomer Women - A Sex Researcher Speaks, #142

In this episode, Dr. Jenn interviews Rose Hartzell, PhD, a sex therapist, about the sexual risks faced by baby boomer women. Many older women don't know they are at risk!

SEXUAL FUN FACT
What does the male red-back spider do after it has sex with a female red-back spider?

SPECIAL DEN SEX-TION
Female erotic plasticity -- What's THAT mean?!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, and College Sexual Health Speaker

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