Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
Can you give too much during sex? I was asked to write about "giving in the bedroom" for the Philanthropy Issue of Pacific San Diego Magazine this August 2012. You might be surprised to read that a give, give, give approach isn't always the best.
Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty ImagesI’ve been reading some accounts of the “depravity” in the Olympic Village at past Olympics. This summer’s 2012 Olympics expect to be no different. With 15 condoms reportedly distributed to each Olympian, the Olympic Committee has made safer sex easier.
Some folks wonder why there is so much partying, with such dedicated top athletes in London for one specific reason – to fulfill a life-long dream. I suspect the partying and sex takes the “class” out of these world-class athletes, in the eyes of some. But I think the more accurate question is, why NOT so much partying and sex? And for exactly the reasons stated above.
In general, these are young, beautiful, incredibly fit athletes from around the world. They are exceptionally dedicated and hard working. I presume they are treated with the respect and awe they deserve. Once their event is over, they are on vacation in another country, the immense pressure is off, and they don’t need to be responsible any longer. They can put the weight of their countries down for a moment. And either they are elated because they have fulfilled their dreams, or they are reeling from disappointment because they have not.
This all sounds like the perfect recipe for a lot of celebration, connection, enjoyment, or escape. For most, this is a once in a lifetime experience. And especially for youth, drinking and sexing and feeling immortal are all a part of this wild and unforgettable experience. They may be role models, but fundamentally they are humans. And besides, who wouldn’t want to be able to say they slept with Michael Phelps?!
(This essay was originally written for Pacific San Diego Magazine's Love & Sex Blog.)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker
Sometimes women choose not to have an orgasm. Why? I share my thoughts with orgasm.org. Click on the photo to go to gasm.org and watch this short video!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist
http://faadooindia.com/2012/07/im-guessing-you-are-not-in-the-mood/Read the cartoon. “I’m guessing you are not in the mood…” Cue laughter.
Why does this evoke laughter? Even I laughed initially when I read it before I considered other perspectives. I was curious whether women in general would find it amusing due to familiarity with that situation, or if they would be upset by it. And what about men?
In my private practice, I frequently witness this dynamic with couples of mismatched desire levels, albeit not to the extent of barbed wire. In bed at night, here’s the monologue that seems to go through the woman’s head:
He will probably want sex tonight. It’s been a little while so maybe I should. But I’m exhausted and don’t feel like it. If I yawn loudly, he’ll see the subtle clue that I’m too tired and not ask, and then I won’t feel guilty about saying no.
This cartoon cuts through the mental game playing as the woman blatantly presents her opinion about sex that night. The man scratches his head, and with a bit of uncertainty, states the obvious.
I’m mixed about how I feel about a cartoon like this. This is a stereotype, and such stereotypes are problematic because they can enforce already restrictive gender roles. On the other hand, this is how many couples operate, and humor is a known path to opening dialogue around uncomfortable topics.
So I posted the cartoon on Facebook and asked for people’s initial reactions, and why they had that reaction (both publicly and in private message). The responses were incredibly varied from the extremes of “this is depressing” and “this isn’t funny,” to recognition that “as a mother of three children, I laughed,” to “lighten up people, it’s a joke” (which incidentally, was from a man). The most poignant responses were those indicating opposing gender perspectives on who was responsible for the couple reaching this point. As one friend posted, we need to ask why this is happening. I quite agree. What differences are women and men learning about sex and experiencing around sex that makes this a national joke? Clearly we’re missing the mark, and each other.
From a woman’s perspective, why would she get to a point of desiring physical barriers between her and her partner? She may be exhausted and overwhelmed from juggling so much, doesn’t feel much of a physical sex drive, she’s bored with the same old in the bedroom, or she’s built up a wall of resentments that make opening up sexually difficult. These are all common explanations I hear from clients and quite valid. The Facebook crowd added that a discomfort can exist if the man has cheated or if the woman gets tired of saying no. This was exemplified by the comment, “another clueless horny man,” from a woman who thought the cartoon was funny because it’s true. There were also some women who felt that the depicted couple was sad and distressing, because clearly her other modes of communication had been ignored.
The sad theme was also mentioned by several men, who saw it as frustrating to a man. I perceived these responses to mean that to encounter such roadblocks when desiring sexual intimacy with your partner is upsetting. Continual rejection can take quite a toll on a man’s self-esteem and confidence. On the other hand, several men found humor in the cartoon with the “it’s funny because it’s true” response for a few reasons: because women don’t communicate directly enough for men to understand, so the blatancy of the cartoon is appreciated; it “blames” the woman for her lack of interest in sex; and that the use of a bear trap and fencing in bed is just funny. As to why a man could get to this point in a relationship, in my practice, I’ve found that men are more likely to continue to have physical sexual desire throughout a long-term relationship, while their female partners don’t experience the same type of physical urges. It can be difficult for men to understand and accept this shift.
That being said, I would be remiss to not share the perspectives of the women and men who expressed the opposite view. A couple women were in the shoes of the “man” of wanting more sex. One man responded, after a chuckle, that sometimes guys don’t want sex either. There were also some people who recognized that it takes two to tango, and both partner’s played a main role in creating this sad situation. I certainly see all of this in my practice as well.
What is the lesson here? In relationships as depicted in the cartoon, it’s vital to realize that the woman is not trying to be a gatekeeper. Additionally, the man is not trying to be an ass. Despite the difficulty in each partner accepting this, it is actually quite hurtful and guilt-inducing on both sides. Drop the defensiveness and get to the vulnerable truth, and allow space for your partner to do the same. Get to the heart of your needs, desires, and motivations, and open to a teamwork approach. Otherwise that electrical fence will get more charged and divisive.
And the funniest response on Facebook? One of the class clowns from my high school did not disappoint. He wrote: “I’m wondering what book she’s reading? Maybe it’s 50 Shades of Grey, in which case the guy should hang in there as she might change her mind shortly.” Thank you, Doug.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist
One of my biggest passions in the sexuality field is speaking about these topics in front of live audiences. I love having the opportunity to create safe and fun places to learn about sex and ourselves, despite potential embarassment by the audience and the taboo nature of frank sexual topics. To this end, I just created a new website which focuses on my work as a sexuality, sexual health, and safer sex speaker.
While my specialty is sexual topics, I take a broad and holistic approach to this, so my speaking topics include body image, communication, gender differences, healthy relationships, mindfuless, and the art of happiness.
Please feel free to check out my Sexuality Speaker website. Thanks!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist
I’ve seen a trend with some men. They are very afraid to hurt their female partner. They explained that they learned as kids, often from their dads, that “You don’t hurt a woman. Ever.” Kids generally don’t have the brain capacity to develop nuanced understandings around such topics. Therefore, by adulthood, this statement becomes a black and white obligation for men around a very complex emotional situation.
How might this show up for an adult man in a relationship?
He always says yes but then doesn’t follow through. He keeps his opinions to himself but slowly builds resentments over time. He denies responsibility or blames his partner when she is hurt by something he’s done.
Why is this problematic?
This pattern of communication can create big relationship problems. It’s all based in fear: fear of confrontation, fear of feeling horrible for hurting the woman you love, or fear of seeing her cry. But it’s imperative to recognize the difference between “small hurts” and “big hurts.” Small hurts, handled responsibly, can avoid big hurts.
All 7 billion people on the planet have their own unique perspective on the world. This means when two of those people are in relationship, they will have disagreements. This is natural, normal, and healthy. People get disappointed, choose to compromise, and are sometimes hurt. This is all part of the negotiation required to merge two lives. When we choose how to negotiate the small hurts honestly and responsibly, we can live more from love than fear, and keep the big hurts from growing.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sex Therapist, College Sexual Health Speaker, Sexologist
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
