As a 52-year-old woman in the midst of perimenopause (the transitional years leading to menopause, when a woman’s hormones are fluctuating), the topics of sex, intimacy, and desire during perimenopause and menopause are not just professional topics for me, but also deeply personal ones.

Along these lines, I was recently interviewed by Oprah Daily as the Resident Sex Educator for pjur lubricants, in a powerful article about how sexual desire shifts during perimenopause and menopause—and what we can do to reclaim and redefine our sex lives at this stage. (Spoiler: There is much we can do.)

Here are a few key ideas I shared in the article:

Your Desire Isn’t Broken. It’s Just Different.

Hormonal shifts can affect everything from sleep to mood to clitoral sensitivity to vaginal lubrication. As I said in the piece:

“My body’s not responding in the same way. My mood is shifting. I’m not sleeping well… There are so many physical, mental, emotional, and social changes. It’s a lot at once. And that doesn’t make you want so much sexy time.”

But that doesn’t mean desire disappears. It just means you may need more time, intention, and curiosity. This is the perfect time to rediscover what actually feels good now—not what used to.

Scheduled Sex Can Be Sexy

This one surprises people, but I stand by it 100%. I encourage clients to carve out intentional time, what I call “Happy Naked Fun Time.” It’s 45 minutes with no kids, no tech, and also no pressure to perform.

“You’re being close with your bodies, you’re naked or partially naked, you’re cuddling… You can relax together, then you can see what unfolds.”

Scheduling creates a container for connection—one that supports responsive desire, which is how many of us experience desire now: not from a random spark, but from closeness, context, and the right conditions.

Honor Your New Body

Your old go-to moves might not get the engine running and that’s okay. Think of this as a time to upgrade your relationship with your body and pleasure.

“We’re not in 22-year-old bodies anymore. Maybe it’s a lot harder to experience an orgasm now… But you have the right to do that for yourself through masturbation or to ask that from a partner.”

Explore what feels good now. Try new tools. Use lube (sometimes, lots of it!). Give yourself permission to evolve and prioritize your pleasure.

Talk About It Regularly

Intimacy deepens through conversation, not just touch. I often recommend couples have short, weekly check-ins:

“You don’t have to fix anything in those 15 minutes, but you’re creating an open ongoing dialogue.”

Normalize talking about sex, even when it’s awkward. Especially when it’s awkward. It helps build trust, connection, and creativity which are crucial tools for navigating a changing body and evolving relationship.

Bottom line: Midlife intimacy isn’t about getting back to who you used to be. It’s about becoming fully, unapologetically who you are now. That includes asking for what you want, showing up with curiosity, and investing in your own sexual well-being.

I’m proud to be featured in this Oprah Daily article, and even more proud to support people through these transitions—emotionally, physically, mentally, and relationally.

Let’s reinvent what “sexy” means at this stage of life. Let’s make it real, creative, playful, and ours. Read the entire Oprah Daily article here: Scheduling Sex Can Be Sexy—Seriously, We Mean It.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — San Diego Intimacy Speaker, Sociologist, & Relationship Coach