Think about a person in your life who you trust and who feels accessible to you. If you have a difficult, confusing, or uncomfortable topic to address, this is a person who you turn to, to discuss the topic.

Now consider these questions in relation to your interactions with that person:

Are you scared to ask them difficult questions?

Do they make you feel embarrassed or ashamed?

Do they tease you?

Do they scold you and tell you not to ask the questions you’re asking, or talk about the topics that matter to you?

Do they give you inaccurate or false information?

Do they assume they know everything about you and your feelings?

Do they avoid the topics that you’re most confused about?

What is the most important key to giving the “sex talk” to your kids or teens?

No. They don’t do any of those things. If they did, you wouldn’t consider them trustworthy and safe. You wouldn’t consider them accessible.

Are you accessible to your kids and teens to discuss topics of sex, sexuality, emotional intimacy, and dating?

Why do parents, who otherwise want their kids to be happy, healthy, connected, and fulfilled, act in ways around these topics that don’t facilitate ongoing conversations, from a very young age? Topics such as changing bodies, consent, emotional vulnerability, boundaries, communication, desire, pleasure, safety, negotiation skills, respect, and compassion?

Probably because most parents didn’t grow up with healthy and helpful role models in how to have these discussions and how to facilitate safe spaces around difficult topics. And, in the United States, we tend to assume that “teaching safety” is the most important sexual health topic, versus “being accessible,” and therefore a person who your child can turn to, to reflect, share, think, and learn to make balanced decisions on their own.

Think about what having an “accessible” parent or adult would have felt like to you as a child or teenager, and start there. And then pay attention to how your child is different than you, in terms of communication styles, humor, and needs, and start adding those nuances to what you do and don’t do when interacting with them.

Regardless of their awkwardness and your discomfort, your kids really do want to know that you are a trusted source for reliable information. What might that look and feel like for you?

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker, & Communication Coach