New Year, New Love -- Love & Sex Intentions

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Last Friday I got to be on KUSI News and Good Morning San Diego for the first time, talking about ways to focus on your relationships and sex life in the new year. The morning producer brought up a good point - resolutions and intentions tend to focus on our individual needs...but what about focusing on improving our primary relationship?

I suggest a three-step process:

1) What's not working in your relationship and sex life? Write this down and get clear on it. What is your role in this?

2)What is your vision of a happy, satisfied, and connected relationship? Be clear on what direction you're headed.

3) At the start of every month this year, choose one thing to focus on that prioritizes improving what's listed under #1 and moves you in the direction of #2.

I discuss why scheduling is so important, offer ideas to prioritize at the start of each month, and I also give a suggestion to folks who are single and a bit jaded with the dating experience.

KUSI News - San Diego, CA

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexual Health Speaker

Can Dancing Improve Your Sex Life?

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We already know that dancing is a physical and sensual experience, alone or with a partner. But how can it assist in deepening the intimacy in your relationship? And for you folks who say "hell, no!" when your partner asks you to dance, consider that this attitude could be impacting the health of your sex life! This segment on San Diego Living was inspired by the local stage presentation of Dirty Dancing!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

Top "Vagina" Trend of 2014

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With so many ridiculous suggestions for how to "beautify" our genitals, this was my favorite "vagina" trend of 2014.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker & Sociologist

How to Make Sex Resolutions that Stick for the New Year

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What's not working in your sex or intimate life? What makes you unhappy, disconnected, or unsatisfied? Start there, when you're brainstorming on you sexual intentions for the new year. The article link below through Shape Magazine has many ideas for the new year. I was interviewed for this article, and have lots of my suggestions sprinkled throughout. May your new year be filled with passion, fun, and connection. :)

 

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

Ask Yourself These 3 Questions -- Reduce Holiday Stress through Mindfulness

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“Wander into the center of the circle of wonder.” This was a suggestion by Hongzhi Zhengjue, a Zen teacher in the 1100s. Consider how perfect this is for the holidays. Our minds wander a lot. The holidays are about wonderment and joy. But we are often so far off-track from this and wandering without awareness, we can’t enjoy the wonder of the holidays and without getting mired in habit and negativity.

What are your top priorities of the holidays? Often people will say food, family, quality time, shopping for presents, parties, and juggling many priorities.

What are the values of the holidays? Perhaps these resonate with you: love, appreciation, time with loved ones, generosity, belief, laughter, pleasure.

But what gets in the way of living these values? Stress, over-juggling, materialism and consumerism, trying to please others out of guilt, decorations and food to “perfection,” and focusing on the above priorities without being present, grateful, or recognizing your choices.

So if you find yourself feeling off-track these holidays, or feeling overwhelmed with resentment, frustration, guilt, judgment, or sadness, use these three questions to guide you back on course:

  1. Am I present and aware in this moment? (And do I have compassion for myself and others in this moment?)
  2. Am I grateful for myself and others? (And if I’m writing this down, or sharing verbally with others, am I including details about WHY I’m grateful and WHAT it means to me?)
  3. Am I making healthy choices? (Consider whether you’re realizing and owning that you’re making decisions, and consider if those choices are in your highest interest.)

I suggest writing these three questions down on sticky notes and posting them in places that will break you from your automatic patterns, and remind you that you can do things differently if you’d like. Being present in any moment helps us observe more accurately what’s actually happening, versus being on automatic pilot and reactive. Wonder and awe live in the spontaneity of a moment. So take a few deep breaths, observe with gratitude your surroundings, and make a choice to nurture and love yourself through wonder.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sex & Mindfulness Speaker

(The lovely image was borrowed from this site.)

3 Top Libido-Busters...and what to do about them: A love scientist’s guide

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This blog post is compliments of guest blogger Duana C. Welch, PhD!

Has your sexual get-up-and-go gotten up and gone? Low desire is women’s top self-reported sexual problem—and the toughest to treat. Here are three top libido busters, and what to do if this is you.

What a shame

Shame—the deep sense that something is wrong with us—is not our friend; it undermines our efforts in many areas of our lives. A key area is our sexuality. Are you embarrassed by your body, and worried about a partner’s acceptance of it? You can’t focus on your bra size and your pleasure!

Instead, notice shameful feelings as they arise, and redirect your thoughts to something more reality-based: “I’m feeling ashamed of my body, but my partner wants me—I am desired and desirable.”

Another aspect of shame is your sexual beliefs. Do you think sex is something “nice women” don’t (or shouldn’t) enjoy? Do you think your genitals are disgusting, something nobody should want to touch? Low desire is often related to beliefs taught to us by parents and society. Unfortunately, in our zeal to keep girls innocent, we often convey ideas that won’t serve them well as adults.

The way to address this is the same as for body shame: notice and redirect. “I’m feeling shame about wanting sex, but it’s normal, natural, and healthy for a grown woman to want and enjoy sexual connection. I deserve sexual pleasure.”

Ghosts from the past

I’m sure it won’t surprise you that rape and sexual abuse can dampen a woman’s desire for years after. Yet most women apparently move through these issues without therapy. That said, if you need help, make sure you get it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to help women overcome past abuses and get their groove back.  If you have insurance, choose a provider who offers it.

Partner problems

It’s been said that for women, everything our partner says and does is foreplay—and it’s true. Many women with low desire are having partner issues that include feeling low trust in, or low love and respect from, our mate.  If you and your partner need to get back on track with some great relationship skills, the top science-backed therapy is Gottman Method Couples Counseling. Whether you both attend, or you have to go it alone, you can find a therapist using this link.

There are many causes of low libido, and unfortunately, there’s no magic cure that deals with them all.  Ultimately, though, a little mental floss, and perhaps some therapy, can help deal with these top causes so you can get your groove back. 

[Duana C. Welch, PhD, is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, releasing on January 7, 2015; read more and get a free chapter here.]

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker