Review of The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace

I'm happy to post a guest blog from my sister, Christine Gunsaullus! She's an engineer and does business development for her company. Since The 5 Love Languages is one of my most recommended books, I asked her to share her opinions from the business version of this book.

My Business Book Club recently read The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. I won’t keep you in suspense — they are:

  1. Words of Affirmation (examples: praise of accomplishments, affirmation of character, focus on personality).

  2. Quality Time (examples: giving undivided attention, shared experiences).

  3. Acts of Service (examples: helping with tasks, feeling that actions speak louder than words).

  4. Tangible Gifts (examples: based on what the person values, the right gift for the right person).

  5. Physical Touch (examples: hugs, high-fives, pat on the shoulder).


One of these is the main way we each feel appreciated; the others work to a lesser degree or not at all. In the workplace, there is big value in determining the primary language of appreciation of your coworkers and employees. This is because employee retention is critical, as the cost to replace employees who leave is huge, both financially and emotionally.


One way to keep great employees is to make them feel appreciated so they don’t even think of leaving. It also feels good to you to show that you value their work in a way that’s meaningful to them. Trinkets at tradeshows (Tangible Gifts) didn’t have much meaning to me, but were like gold to coworkers who were pleased I brought back balsa airplanes to play with in the office.

If you don’t know which appreciation language is meaningful to coworkers, your efforts can backfire. For example, some folks cower from public attention, so verbal praise like giving them an award in front of a room full of people could feel torturous. They feel embarrassed and absolutely hate it, and will reconsider doing what got them the undesired attention. Instead, a private word (Words of Affirmation) with a bonus day of vacation (Tangible Gifts or Quality Time with family) could have much more personal value and mean the world to them.


The first step in determining the primary language of appreciation of your coworkers is realizing and accepting that what feels really good to you may not feel really good to everyone else. The second step is playing detective. Here’s a hint - often, we do for others what we most want for ourselves. So pay attention to what your coworkers give to and do for others, then give and do the same for them, and see what happens. Finally, note what they complain about, as that often highlights deep emotional hurts, and can clue you into giving them what they need the most.

I mentioned before that I’m a big hugger (Physical Touch), so I was curious how the book would approach touch in the workplace. They don’t recommend it as a primary means to show appreciation, as it’s challenging to translate appropriately. Our culture interprets physical touch as sexual, and therefore inappropriate to some degree. I was reminded to pay close attention to the body language of others, since I can’t know of past traumas, or if they have general discomfort with physical touch leaving them ultra-sensitive, so sometimes a handshake is just enough. Just Friday, a coworker expressed sadness that he was only getting a handshake when we said good-bye, so I gave Ed a big hug, and got a kiss on my cheek in return. And that felt really good to both of us. But my client, Jon, only wants a handshake, and I respect that, realizing that just because it’s one of my languages of appreciation, doesn’t mean that others feel the same.

Several people suggested that giving some praise or some small gift is better than nothing, but the book and I, from personal experience, disagree. Here are two examples:

  1. At one firm, I was the “lucky” recipient of tickets to a Championship football game (Tangible Gifts). Sadly, I had absolutely no interest in going since my Eagles weren’t playing. I already had plans to relax and watch the game peripherally while hanging out with friends and doing work. But now I was tasked with an entire day entertaining a top client at the game. I can still feel the anger seething through me from this “gift” from my boss that I didn’t want.

  2. This is a dating story, but still resonates. A friend routinely plans amazing excursions for the women he dates (Quality Time), then can’t understand why they don’t appreciate all the time and effort he put into it. He thinks all women suck, but can’t fathom that they may have a different primary appreciation language than he does, and perhaps even find it creepy that he puts so much effort into the first date when he doesn’t even know them.


Overall, I give the book 4 out of 5 stars. I was annoyed by the author selling his corporate training around the appreciation languages throughout the book. One whole chapter lists industry after industry, explaining ad nauseam how they were all helped by his work. The online test to determine your language of appreciation in the workplace is limited to one person per book sale, so I’m not actually sure what my primary language is. I also wish they gave more examples of the ramifications of lack of appreciation, as the contrast of failure, employee dissatisfaction and turnover would make a compelling argument for integrating this approach into the workplace.

Nonetheless, the authors liken the languages of appreciation in the workplace to vitamins and antibiotics, and I agree with the underlying value of this. They're not game changers, but instead supplements over the long run that keep you and your coworkers feeling good.

Thanks for you sharing your views, Christine!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

Stop Being Boring! Ideas to Romance Your Partner

It can be easy to get in a rut when showing your love and affection to your partner. I offer suggestions around building sensuality, expressing appreciation, creating sexy time, and filling your partner's love bucket. Softcup Menstrual Cup company brought me in to be their expert for their February Month of Love - fun folks there, doing good work!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker

Overcoming "Female Sexual Dysfunction"

There are a lot of women in America who struggle with some aspect of their sexuality. Nonetheless, I'm not a fan of the terminology "female sexual dysfunction." So the first step to "overcoming" this, is to let go of this pathologizing phrase. Women's sexual desire and experiences have a very broad range of "normal," so don't assume there's something dysfunctional going on.

Speaking about Female Sexual Dysfunction at the Women's Health Conversations Conference in Pittsburgh, PAWhen this terminology is used, it's generally referring to low sexual desire in women. In long term relationships, this is very common; so common, I would actually call it the norm. This is not problematic, in and of itself. Where it can be a concern, is if the woman misses her sexual feelings and desire, or if her partner is not feeling fulfilled sexually (which can then be related to not feeling loved or connected).

So if this is a concern of yours, what can you do about it? I think it's important to figure out the main factors at the heart of your low desire. Is everything else amazing in your relationship, but you just feel no drive? Then find out what does get your juices going, whether reading erotica, touching yourself, or fantasizing, and commit to doing that a few times a week to remind your body that you can feel desire.

Do you carry resentments towards your partner because you feel unloved or not nurtured? Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz and figure out how to ask for and get your needs met. Are you bored with sex and try to avoid it? Check out books like Getting the Sex You Want or Urban Tantra to reinvent your sexual landscape. Are you way too tired at the end of the day to even consider sex? Start scheduling "intimacy time" during mornings or weekend afternoons; just start with cuddling or Happy Naked Fun Time, and see what blossoms. Do you struggle like many women do, with thinking your body isn't attractive enough or perfect? Write a list of 20 things you love about your body and review that every day to retrain your brain towards appreciation.

Are you experiencing pain during sex? If so, it's no wonder you don't desire sex! Try to identify where the pain is it deep inside? Then notice if certain times of the month and certain positions make a difference. Is it near the entrance? Perhaps a new thicker lubricant could help. Although there are some serious reasons why pain may be present (e.g., vaginismus), the most common reason is that the sexual interaction is moving along too quickly and your body hasn't had enough time to warm up and get blood flow and engorgement of your genitals. Women can take upwards of 20 minutes to be fully aroused, and that's even when you're enjoying what's going on! So ask your partner to slow things down.

And finally, are you giving yourself permission to be a fully sexual woman? Do you negatively judge a "very sexual woman"? Perhaps you're still carrying the heavy messages around being a "good girl" that you grew up with, and they are interfering with being present and having fun during sex. Write down all the traits that you think are part of enjoying sexual activity, and one by one start integrating them into your sexual interactions. You get to decide who you want to be as a sexual woman.

If you're experiencing low desire as a woman, you are definitely not alone! I hope this gives you a few new directions to consider in addressing this.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

What is Your LOVE Language?

What does it take to fill your love tank? As cheesy as this terminology is, it’s actually a pretty appropriate way to check in with how loved, appreciated, and connected you feel in your relationship. Knowing your “love language” gives you insights into why you choose to be in an intimate relationship, how you like to interact, and what fills your love tank.

From: this scenario: A wife is upset that her husband doesn’t express his love and affection for her. She complains that he never says that he loves her or that he thinks she’s beautiful. He counters by explaining that of course he loves her, and his actions that day of washing her car and fixing their fence are clearly signs of that. She feels unloved. He feels unappreciated. Both feel frustrated.

A love language is how we can direct our actions and words to meet the deep emotional needs of our partner. Likewise, they can fulfill our needs and reasons for being in an intimate relationship, by speaking our love language. Which of the following ways do you prefer to receive love and attention from a partner? Is that the same way or different than you tend to give love and attention?

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

In the example above, the wife is asking for love through words of affirmation, and the husband is giving love through acts of service. Although they love each other, they are not connecting in their expressions of love. This is unfortunately a common state of affairs in long-term relationships.

To identify you and your partner’s love language, take this short Love Language test. What do you do with this information once you have it? Well, if you want love through quality time and your partner wants love through receiving gifts, take little steps each week to fulfill these needs. For example, you can make sure to bring home a thoughtful gift of appreciation, such as flowers or their favorite treat. Your partner could ensure you schedule quality time together, or make time to debrief at the end of each day. What happens when you and your partner start speaking each other’s love language? You feel romantic. You feel appreciated. You want to do small things to make your partner feel good. It’s an upward spiral of positivity and affection.

I am basing this information on a book by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages. He offers a poignant interpretation of love, and I have seen this book turn relationships around. Even if you’re not in a relationship, Chapman has written many versions of this book, for singles, teenagers, children, men, etc. If this at all resonates with you, do yourself a favor and read this book.

(This was originally posted as part of the Relationship & Sex Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Therapist