Are You Feeling Pressured? A New Way to Ask for Sexual Consent

I’m recently single after the end of a 5-year monogamous relationship, so negotiating sexual interactions with new men is back on the table. I’ve started dating, moving slowly to get my bearings and allow things to unfold at a pace that feels right. This matters to me both emotionally and sexually. During a recent sexual encounter with a man I’d been on a few dates with he surprised me with the question: “Are you feeling pressured?” It was our first time doing anything sexual and we were slowly progressing through a sensual evening. His question gave me pause. Was I? I did not want to have intercourse, but how far did I want to go, and was he pushing those boundaries? I appreciated his willingness to check in with me.

Compare this to another recent situation with a different male friend, where I blatantly stopped his sexual progress. He acquiesced, but had an odd look on his face. When I questioned him, he stammered a bit. “You stopped me like you didn’t want me to do that, but I think you do want me to do that.” “No,” I said, “I didn’t.” While I was experiencing sexual interest and arousal, that didn’t mean I just wanted to charge ahead.

Men and women often perceive sexual interest and consent in different ways. Recent research (1) on gender and consent found that men seemed confident they knew how to read their female partner’s consent, and relied on nonverbal signals. However, women responded that they were more likely to use verbal indicators to actively give consent. Another research (2) study found men where more likely to perceive sexual interest from women in situations where it was not present, especially if they deemed her physically attractive. Women, on the other hand, underestimated the sexual interest of men. In addition, males are socialized to be the initiators and aggressors in sexual situations, so pushing boundaries is how they learn to make sexual activity happen. Females are often socialized to be nice, non-confrontational, and “good girls,” so rocking the boat by slowing down or halting intimate situations can feel so uncomfortable and inappropriate, they will avoid it. Combine all of these factors and we can see how sexual miscommunication can be the norm.

I highly admire and appreciate being asked, “Are you feeling pressured?” for several reasons. He asked for verbal consent, instead of making assumptions. He noticed I was not rushing the process and wanted to check in. His tone of voice conveyed care and concern, and a genuine interest in my well-being. And he stated it as a passive question, compared to asking, “Am I pressuring you?” I was asked to respond to how I was feeling, instead of being asked to make a direct accusation. This language made a big difference to me because I felt more comfort to respond honestly. This subtle but critical difference helped accommodate the socialized “good girl” in me.

Was I feeling pressured? After a pause, and a quick emotional and physical scan of the situation, I responded, “No, you’re not pressuring me. I’m OK. And thank you for asking.” Even with my self-awareness and comfort around sexual conversations, I still had to pause and reflect. An important part of consent is knowledge of self in any moment, which includes one’s sense of safety, desire, arousal, attraction, fears, expectations, identity, and alcohol consumption. These are complex topics. I appreciated his awareness that helped me reflect on mine.

(1) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23919322

(2) http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/HomePage/Group/BussLAB/pdffiles/The%20Misperception%20of%20Sexual%20Interest.pdf

(This was originally published to The Good Men Project.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

How Good It Feels When Another Human “Knows You”

Do you know that feeling when you’re talking to someone new and they understand something deep and complicated about you that others don’t easily understand? Or you’re talking about something abstract that you don’t know how to explain clearly, and yet you know they just get you? Perhaps you’re chatting with someone at a party and after a short time you’re joking to others that this is your new BFF. To quickly feel like a new person knows you can feel deep, important, and special. I think it eliminates the boundaries between us and another human. We’re not alone because it’s like they’re unexpectedly in our head with us.

The allure of feeling known has been on my mind this week since reading the novel “Mrs. Poe” by Lynn Cullen. It’s historical fiction based in New York City in the mid-1840s, about Edgar Allen Poe, his dying young wife, and another poet, Frances Osgood, with whom he had an alleged affair. Poe was drawn to Mrs. Osgood (who was married to a philandering, absent artist) because of his respect for her poetry. This led to conversations in which he felt understood in the complexity of his existence and worldview in ways his wife didn’t and others couldn’t. For example:

He caressed me with a grateful gaze. “How well you understand me. I cannot say I have ever felt this from another person—I knew it the minute I met you. Thank you.”

Poe believed that their professional relationship, friendship, and eventual sexual relationship were meant to be, because their connection was unique and special.

He looked down at me. “You and I, we need no devices or codes to communicate over distance. You feel it, don’t you?”

I rested my cheek against his arm, storing up his scent and the feel of his shoulders as I gathered the strength to part from him. “Yes.”

His chest rose against my back. “I can be at work on a story, or walking to my office, or just brushing my coat, and I can feel your longing for me. If you ever need me, just bend your thoughts toward me, and, Frances, I shall come.”

For a tortured soul like Poe, haunted by his insecurities, loneliness, and obsession with death, I think this was deeply reassuring. Just like we all have our demons in one way or another, Poe was no longer alone in the world with his demons.

This book resonated with me because one way I feel known is through intellectually stimulating conversations. I’m drawn to people with whom I can hash out intellectual, philosophical, and emotional topics, in a respectful manner, building off the knowledge and insights of each other. It’s about the challenge of the discussion—challenging myself to think broader and more creatively, and challenging the other person with my additions. It’s building on each other’s worldviews, and considering the meaning and practical applications of our insights. It’s also play and fun. Feeling in sync with another human, like our minds are working as one, feels like someone deeply gets me. These are peak experiences. 

What’s the opposite of feeling known? Feeling lonely, isolated, disregarded, dismissed, misunderstood, shut down, or silenced. These feel bad. For me, the former two feel sad, and the latter five feel powerless. I’m curious to hear about in what contexts others feel known? Certainly sexual intimacy is a realm ripe for such connection, but as I’ve explored here, there are many ways this can happen. How do you most feel known and understood?

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

How Can You Tell if Your Partner is Cheating?

A family law attorney agreed with my suggestions about how you can tell if your partner is cheating. We didn't overlap in our approaches to much else when it comes to infidelity, because let's face it, by the time you're scheduling with a lawyer, you may be past the point of counseling. Potential signs of cheating include sudden changes in behavior, spending extra time on the computer or texing, hiding one's phone or turning away from partner while on phone, or suddenly having passwords on phones or computers. Certainly there are other potential signs, but these are the ones that are most recent in the last 5 years or so with the increase in contact available through technology.

Watch the entire "Legally Speaking" episode on the topic of Cheating Spouses & Infidelity where lawyers Tina Willis and Stephan Futeral inteview Christopher Pearsall and myself. It's interesting to hear the law perspective on this topic (e.g., tracking devices on cars)!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

Getting Your Sexual Mojo Back

My first time live in a radio station! These radio hosts were awesome to talk to about mojo, sex, relationships, communication, and my experiences. My piece starts around 1:06:40.

HAPPY Hour San Diego 04.24.2014 Singer Song Writer Steph Johnson, Sexual Expert Dr. Jenn Gunsallus by Rich Singley on Mixcloud

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego, CA, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

Help with Sexual Communication

Sexual communication can be difficult, awkward, and scary.

I was recently interviewed on the podcast show "Full Speech Ahead!" on how to get what you want in your sex life through better communication. The host, Milo Shapiro, is a long time speaker, a public speaking coach, and has an improv background, which really made it a fun interview. You can catch the posted version of this interesting, valuable interview on the "Podcast Page" on www.FullSpeechAhead.com. 

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, & Sexuality Speaker

Divorce Attorney Interviews Me to Help Couples Avoid Divorce because of Lost Sex!

I love this! Wendy Hernandez, a family and divorce attorney in Phoenix, AZ, interviewed me recently. So many couples who walk through her doors are there because somewhere along the way they lost their sexual intimacy. I share how common this is, gender differences, and ideas to get your sexy back...and avoid divorce!

(Check out the full page with the interview HERE, including Wendy's summary of our discussion topics.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker