Two Questions to Ask...When You've Pissed Off Your Partner But Don't Know Why!

You’ve probably experienced this before—you’re having a regular, nice, normal conversation with your partner, and suddenly they are pissed off at you. Or, your partner is already unhappy about something unrelated to you, so you’re talking to them and offering support. But without warning, you now see anger on their face that is directed at you. What happened?!

In any relationship, and especially early in a relationship, you can’t necessarily predict what is going to trigger your partner’s insecurities or patterns, and how they are going to interpret something that otherwise seems benign to you. And when they react with hurt or anger, it may leave you flustered, confused, and defensive. But instead of being reactive, try nicely asking these two questions:

1. What could I have done or said differently?

2. Why is this important to you (or what does this mean to you)?

Asking questions like this is helpful because it’s a total pattern-interrupt for both of you. You have the opportunity do something different, stay present in the moment, and both bring some structure and rationale to an emotionally triggered situation. Then, by asking what you could have done differently, you get the opportunity to get into the head of your partner, and find out what he/she needed in that moment or was expecting. This also makes your partner take responsibility for coming up with a potential solution, instead of just being pissed off. The second question gets to the heart of why your partner was triggered. Did they think you were talking down to them? Trying to “fix” the situation? Implying they were stupid? Or that you didn’t care about them? Listen carefully when they share their interpretation and meaning of that interaction, and don’t rush to defend your actions. And then apologize.

Hopefully, by allowing your partner to speak their truth in that moment and listening with genuine interest instead of defensiveness, they feel heard and understood. And you can now gently share about your thoughts and intentions, and come to a better understanding as a couple overall. I suggest sharing these questions with your partner so that you can both use these as a tool to work through conflict and stay powerful as a team.

Hugs,

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist | Sociologist | Sexuality Speaker

4 Tips to Avoid a Vacation from Hell

Yeah - a romantic vacation! It means time away from work with your partner. But will it be a relaxing trip by the pool? Or an outdoor adventure? Or an exploration of art museums and architecture? There are several important factors that need to be discussed ahead of time with you partner, to make sure you're on the same page, or at the least that you understand your partner's expectations and perspective.

I discussed this topic with Marc Bailey on Channel 6's San Diego Living, coincidentally days before his upcoming vacation to Alaska with his wife. Happy travels!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist

Does Watching Sports make your relationship Better or Worse?

With the start of baseball season and the San Diego Padres home opener, I spoke with Marc Bailey on San Diego Living about the impact watching sports can have on someone's serious relationships. Baseball sex analogies aside, sports do have a wonderful potential to bring couples closer together. However, they can also put a wedge of resentment in a relationship. I discuss what to do to make sure watching sports doesn't jeopardize your relationship.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sex Sociologist

Orgasm too quickly? Afraid to initiate sex?

I answered two common sex questions in the March issue of Pacific San Diego Magazine. These questions delve into common misunderstandings and fears about sexual health and communication. The first one was from a young man whose girlfriend told him he came too quickly. And the second question is from a woman who doesn't know how to initiate sex with her husband without feeling ridiculous. Check out my answers below or at the At First Blush page.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Sociologist, Sexual Health Speaker

Top 5 Questions Women Ask a Sex Counselor

Sex is fun…and complicated! While there are a lot of biological components of sexuality, there are also a lot of social, mental and emotional aspects. These often get in the way of enjoying the pleasures of our bodies and the potential for deep connections with others. As a Relationship and Intimacy Counselor, I receive many questions from women about their sex lives; below are five of the most common questions I receive.

1. Am I normal? Is what we’re doing normal?

These questions come from a fear of being judged or not feeling good enough. There may be sexual statistical averages around activities and frequency and tastes, but what really matters is what you like and don’t like, and the same for your partner. You could be perfectly “average” and “normal,” but still have a miserable sex life! Each individual and couple needs to create their own “normal” based on their preferences, needs and desires.

2. Why don’t I feel desire any more? How can I feel passion again?

It is really common for women in long-term relationships to lose their desire. Desire is a tricky thing that we tend to take for granted in the early stages of a relationship. But once those neurochemicals wear off, most women and couples don’t know what to do. The first step is to redefine desire from something that happens to you, to something that you can cultivate. What primes your pump? By this I mean, what can your partner do that helps you feel open to being sexual? Is it doing the dishes for you, massaging your shoulders, or having an eye-to-eye conversation? Focus on what makes you feel loved and nurtured and also makes your partner seem appealing. The second thing you can do is to take responsibility for your own desire. What puts you in the mood, such as reading erotica, fantasizing, or touching yourself? Do these things regularly to kick-start your libido.

3. How can I request my sexual needs without feeling embarrassed?

Read the rest of this blog that I wrote for the Softcup Blog HERE.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

How Hollywood Movies Set Us Up for Disappointment in Relationships

It's true - the romance of Hollywood, whether a RomCom or a dramatic love story, sets uprealistic expectations for relationships, sex, and marriage. And many folks don't seem to realize this has happened until they're facing their own relationship problems and haven't learned the skills to handle concerns in a responsible and productive way. I discuss this on Channel 6's San Diego Living this week.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus -- San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker