Stop Pissing off Your Partner - Vent, Gather Info, or Fix?

http://articles.lovingyou.com/love/stop-fighting/Some of the most common gender differences I see in relationships regard communication styles. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to want to talk through things and vent about her concerns. However, many men interpret this as a request to fix the situation. It makes sense -- if someone we love is hurting and tells us that, why wouldn’t we want to do what we can to “fix” it? But interestingly, the woman often becomes irritated because she says he isn’t listening to her or is trivializing her concern. And the man gets annoyed, because he thinks she isn’t taking his advice to make the situation better.

If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, what can you do about it? The best approach is to be clear about your expectations from the start. For example, if everyday when you get home from work you like to tell you partner about what happened and share your frustrations, state up front what you’re looking for. “Hi hon, can I just vent about my day? You don’t have to do anything. I just need you to listen.” And if you’re on the receiving end you could say, “I noticed I’m getting really irritated listening right now and frustrated that I can’t do anything. Do you want me to help you fix this problem, or do you just want me to listen?” This will make a big shift in communication and avoid hurt feelings.

I think there can also be a third category, depending on your personality. Sometimes people share stories and ask questions because they are on a “fact finding” mission. They want to gather perspectives so they can come to a more informed decision for themselves. So recognize this as a middle area, and clearly state your intentions for the conversation. “I don’t need to vent, but I’m also not looking for a fix. I’m curious about your ideas around this topic just so I can gather information.” With this clarity, the partner who is giving the feedback will be less likely to feel discouraged if you don’t take their advice.

Like developing any new habit, it can take time to create this new pattern of interaction. Being clear about your intentions and expectations is a great practice in transparency. In the long run, we’re much more likely to get our needs met when we own them and articulate them from the start.

(Originially posted as part of the Love & Sex Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Love Campus Tour - SDSU - Free!

FREE EVENT - Oct. 9, 2012, San Diego State University

I will be speaking about Keys to Erotic Play (including toys) and my friend and colleague, Jill McDevitt, will speak about safer sex and orgasm! Love Campus is a new organization teaching college students how to become sex toy consultants.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sociologist

Animal Attraction for Halloween 2012

Animal costumes are always popular attire at Halloween, both for kids and adults. An interesting thing happens, though, in the transition from children’s costume to adult costume – the attire often becomes sexy. While this is often to get attention, once you learn these fascinating (and scary!) sex facts about animals, the shift from cute cat to sexy kitty makes sense in a whole new way.

Speaking of sexy kitties, did you know that when a male cat penetrates a female cat, he bites into the back of her neck? The female is further held in place by his penis, which becomes lodged inside her with its horny barbs. This will ensure ejaculation, but there’s also speculation that the “rough play” may initiate her ovulation. Ouch!

But “bee” glad you’re not the poor male drone bee. When he mates with the Queen Bee, his genitals are ripped off after orgasm, leaving him to die within hours. Or how about the male red-back spider? After copulating with a female red-back spider, he selflessly somersaults into her mouth to become her post-coital meal. Those males make the ultimate sacrifice for their offspring!

Lest you think all animal sex facts are painful, let’s switch gears to the humorous. In a creative attempt to encourage panda mating in captivity, Chinese zookeepers got film of other pandas having sex and played this panda porn for their panda bears. Did this aphrodisiac work? Yes! However, it’s unknown whether their increased passion was from the visual or auditory cues.

This final animal sex fact about the male anglerfish is perfectly ghastly in the spirit of Halloween. The male anglerfish is tiny compared to his female counterpart, and reproduces by attaching his teeth to the female’s side. Over time, his face becomes absorbed into the female’s body, until he eventually becomes just a reproductive appendage. Talk about attachment issues!

So this Halloween, consider the animal kingdom as a source of inspiration. If you’re taking a classic animal costume and imbuing it with sexy vibes, read up on the sexual predilections of your chosen animal. Then add an air of credibility to your choice to sexualize the animal, by including an unexpected detail (such as a hacksaw for a Queen Bee!). Impress your friends, because whether sexy or scary, animals really know how to get it on.

(Published in the October, 2012, issue of Pacific San Diego Magazine.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Therapist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

50 Shades of...Condoms, Butt Plugs, & Periods?!

Are there safer sex messages in the hit trilogy "50 Shades of Grey"? With so much controversy around the books, let's look at a few messages around condoms and appreciation of women's bodies.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

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Choking the Chick'n

The Chick-fil-a company statement against gay marriage caused quite a stir. Does it make sense to base marriage beliefs on the Bible? And what about the poor chickens?

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Therapist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker

Dear Dr. Jenn - Anatomy Lesson for Anal Play

From: http://www.cavemag.com/how-important-is-sex-to-a-relationship/Dear Dr. Jenn~

I think it’s hot to put a finger in a girl’s butt when we are having sex doggy style. But it doesn’t always work and sometimes she says it hurts. What can I do about this?

Thanks,

Wannabe Anal Master

Dear Anal Master,

Anal play has become more and more popular, so thanks for your great question. First, make sure your partner is interested in experimenting with anal play. If she’s not into it, she’s going to have a hell of a time relaxing, and will likely experience pain. I don’t advise trying to ‘sneak it in’ without explicitly asking permission.

If you’re both on the same page about this, then you’re embarking into a realm of heightened pleasure. A short anatomy lesson can be helpful here. To enter the anus, you have to pass through two sets of anal sphincter muscles. The first set are voluntary muscles, which is why relaxation on the woman’s part is important. She can put her attention on that external muscle area, and choose to relax those muscles. However, the second ring of muscles is a different story. These internal muscles are involuntary, which means you can’t think your way into releasing them. However, they do respond to gentle, direct pressure.

From your side, Anal Master, knowing how to navigate these muscle rings is important. Playing around the outside of the anus with a well-lubed finger can help the woman concentrate on that area and relax the first sphincter muscles. Then gently pressing on the anus for several seconds will release the second set and allow access to the inside. For some women who are tense and nervous about this, it may take more time.

Remember to start small, slow, with a lot of lubricant, particularly a thicker lube made specifically for anal play. With a little preparation, patience, and knowledge, you can definitely become the Anal Master.

Be well,

Dr. Jenn

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker