A Surprising Answer to Sex Problems: Mindfulness for Sex Therapy and Sex Coaching

Boring sex? Pain during intercourse? Distracted in bed? Sex addiction? No desire to get it on? Is it possible that all these sexual concerns and sex problems could have the same remedy? Yes, and that remedy is the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is an awareness skill of being present in the moment, with your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. It is noticing the present moment and – here’s the kicker – not judging what you notice. The health benefits of mindfulness are profound: stress reduction, decline in anxiety, depression relapse prevention, overcoming addiction, and reducing chronic pain, not to mention greater happiness and fulfillment in life.

Researchers are also delving into the sexual realm to see how mindfulness can improve sex lives. Although little research has been done so far, it seems to be beneficial for women with low desire, vulva pain, and emotional distress from past sexual trauma. There is anecdotal evidence that it is valuable for sex “addiction,” erectile dysfunctions, and boredom.

I’ve been integrating mindfulness-based practices into my sex coaching and couples intimacy work for several years because I think it’s the foundation for all personal growth, and some sex therapists use it as well. Do you freak out with jealousy if your boyfriend receives a text from another woman? Mindfulness can help break that automatic pattern. Are you distracted during sex by your perception of your bulging belly or your long chore list to to-do items? Mindfulness skills keep you grounded in the moment and release such mind chatter. Integrating little daily practices of mindfulness can make these big brain changes.

I have mindfulness on my brain more than usual this week, because I just went to a sex conference this weekend. Its not as sexually titillating as it may sound, but it will be intellectually titillating. At this 2012 annual conference for AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) in Austin, TX, I will be speaking on “Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body: Improving Sex Lives Through Mindfulness.” My take home message for the audience? Mindfulness is the new sexy.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Marriage Coach, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

(This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's sex & love blog series.)

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~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

Dear Dr. Jenn - Sex is a Pain!

DImage from: http://kahilas.blogspot.com/2011/06/whats-causing-your-pelvic-pain.htmlear Dr. Jenn,

Is it normal to have pain when I have sex with my boyfriend? It’s not all the time, but about half the time I have to stop him once he’s inside because it hurts too much. What should we do?

Thank you!

- Sex is a Pain

—–

Dear Sex is a Pain,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain! But very happy that you brought it up, since you are not alone. A 2010 Indiana University study found that one third of women reported genital pain during their last sexual encounter. First, a few clarifying questions: Where is the pain located? Is it inside or outside your vagina? What does the pain feel like, for example, is it burning or sore? Has this happened with past partners? Can you pinpoint any differences between the times you have pain and the times you do not?

If the pain is deep inside and only occasional, it might be connected to changes in your menstrual cycle, which can shift your cervix and uterus. I suggest that you alter sexual positions when there’s pain, to find one that doesn’t allow for deep penetration. On the other hand, if the pain is right around the entrance to your vagina, there are likely other factors coming into play, such as lubrication and time. Since the pain is not always present, I’m guessing that the difference could be that you haven’t had enough time to get all juicy and lubricated. All bodies are different, and some people need more foreplay prior to intercourse to allow their genitals to engorge with blood and for the body to kick in with natural vaginal lubrication. More finger and tongue action around the vulva and vaginal opening should better prepare you for penetration. Also, adding a personal lubricant can help reduce unwanted friction (I recommend brands like Sliquid, Hathor Aphrodisia, or Pink). If you believe you have a physical problem that is not addressed here or is more serious (e.g., vulvodynia), we are lucky in San Diego to have the Sexual Medicine Clinic at Alvarado Hospital, so you can visit them to determine the source of your pain.

It’s very important that you openly discuss this with your boyfriend and that BOTH of you are doing what you can to stop the pain. Sometimes women grin and bear it, but in the long run this creates a negative feedback loop around sex. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners and I hope this helps you achieve that. I wish you happy and healthy sex!

Passionately,

Dr. Jenn

*This article was originally posted to the Sex & Love Blog Series at Pacific San Diego Magazine.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Marriage Counselor, Sexologist, College Sexual Health Speaker

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Dr. Jenn interviews the SEXUCATOR, Cathy Nguyen, about what new moms can do to maintain an active and playful sex life. She offers lots of great ideas for sex after children.

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How do sperm, once they are inside a woman, find the ova (egg)? (Hint: They use a sense...)

SPECIAL DEN SEX-TION
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~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Therapy, Marriage Counseling, and College Sexual Health Speaker

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In this episode of "In the Den With Dr. Jenn," yoga instructor Kirsten Selway stops by the Den to discuss the benefits of yoga for a better sex life.

GUEST
Kirsten Selway of Birdrock Yoga

SEXUAL FUN FACT
Where are women injecting silicone, to make themselves look sexier to others?

POSITION OF THE DAY
Firing the Human Cannonball

DEN RECOMMEND
Slim Calm Sexy Yoga by Tara Stiles

Build Sexual Energy

Jim Chialtas, L.Ac., stops by to discuss building sexual energy, in this episode of "In the Den With Dr. Jenn." He offers some unusual and powerful tips to build sexual energy and connection.

SPECIAL GUEST
Jim Chialtas, L.Ac.
www.laurelacupuncturesd.com

SEXUAL FUN FACT
What one thing, if sniffed by men, will reduce their sexual arousal?

WHAT'S THAT WORD
Acomoclitic