New Year: Change Your Relationship

From: http://www.salon.com/2012/01/04/the_sexual_resolution/It’s a few weeks into the new year – have your resolutions already fallen by the wayside? Did you swear off fatty foods, cigarettes, and excessive drinking, or commit yourself to lose weight, eat healthier, and keep a budget, only to find yourself slipping into old habits? These are all worthy intentions for the new year, but I think a different approach, especially when applied to improving sex and relationships, can keep you on track this whole year long.

Choose one relationship or sexual improvement goal this year, and continually work towards developing that. For example, do you and your partner struggle when it comes to communication? If so, each month create a small plan about how you’re going to work on that. Perhaps you could start in January with each writing a list of your needs, irritations, and resentments and kindly discuss them with each other. Then in February you can each choose two needs and present a plan on how they could be better met in your relationship. Each month you can add on a new component or communication mode. There’s no right or wrong way to do this; just keep plugging along.

Of if your goal for the year is to learn more about your sexual pleasure, desire, and arousal, choose a different aspect of this to explore each month. You could start with reading through Amazon reviews on books about sexual pleasure, and find one that piques your interest. Next month you could take a class, have a vulnerable conversation with a friend, purchase a new sexual toy, try a lubricant, etc. Anything that builds towards your big picture goal of sexual pleasure knowledge.

One of the most important ways to stay true to your new year’s goals is to have a plan and review it regularly for sustainability and accountability. Set your phone alarm for every Sunday evening as a reminder to review your intention and reflect on whether you’ve taken steps towards or away from that. Then write down ideas for that week of how you’re going to take a step in the right direction. Intentions are a work in progress, so continue to identify what works and what doesn’t for you, and apply that feedback to create success.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sex Coach, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist

Sex: Mind full or Mindful? TEDxWomen AFC

"We don't talk about the complexity of sexuality. What happens when we don't talk about it is that sexuality ends up on the shadows, and that is where we have shame, embarrassment, exploitation, abuse, and fear." ~Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD

SEx: Mind Full or Mindful? TEDx Talk by San Diego Sexologist Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus.

I was thrilled to speak at America's Finest City's TEDxWomen* event in San Diego on December 2, 2012, about my favorite topics of sex, female sexuality, and mindfulness.

Growing up as a girl in American society means that you likely learned a lot of negative and shameful messages about your body and sex, and received poor sex education. In this TEDx Talk, I discuss the state of affairs around female sexuality in the U.S.

Also, you can check out 10 of the Sexiest TED Talks about Sex. Thank you for viewing and I'd love to hear what you have to say about sex, female sexuality, and mindfulness!

*(Due to a music copyright infringement claim, all of the videos from that event were removed from the TEDx YouTube page in May of 2016. This pretty much sucked, because there were so many great comments, likes, and interactions around sex, mindfulness, and this talk! So, I removed the musical intro and am now posting to my YouTube channel. I hope you enjoy it!)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker, Mindfulness Speaker, Sexologist

Having a Bad Day? I Call Bullshit

From: http://serafimabogomolova.com/2012/05/a-bad-day-you-bet/Have you ever been around someone who’s having a “bad day”? For whatever reason, some happenings in their day have not gone as planned, and they are in a bad mood. They’ve labeled the whole day as bad. They are not fun to be around, especially if it’s our significant other.

How we define undesirable happenings in our lives is very important. Sure, these happenings are not what we hoped for and they have negative consequences for us. But the extent of those consequences is up to us. If you are viewing the world through dark-colored glasses because you’re having a “bad day,” I guarantee more bad things will happen to you. The amount of “positive” or “negative” you experience every day is largely up to how you perceive and react to events.

Consider that a negative event doesn’t actually make your day bad. It just means that you’ve had a negative incident. It’s an isolated event that doesn’t have to lead to more negativity. The meaning that we ascribe to an event has a large impact on how we actually experience it.

This is relevant in relationships too. If you or your partner perceive unhappy events as ruining a whole day, it can bring you both down. It’s difficult to thrive together unless you both choose to shift to a broader and more optimistic outlook.

If you’re a person who views days as “good” or “bad,” consider how this is impacting your partner, friends, and coworkers. Next consider how you can choose to accept a bad event for what it is and deal with it, without making it bigger than that. One suggestion, if you find your mental path on a downward spiral, is to identify three things to appreciate that day. Know that it will make you and everyone around you happier.

(This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's Relationship & Sex Blog series.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Coach, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker

Speakers for TEDxWomen in San Diego

The speaker's list for this Sunday's TEDxWomen in San Diego for America's Finest City is rocking! From authors, to physicians, to artists, and professors, I really anticipate this to be a moving conference, and I'm excited to be a part of a global women's event. For me and my topic of mindfulness and sex, the event theme of "the space between" speaks to all the shadows and silence around sexuality. For many women, their unspoken shame, guilt, and discomfort -- as learned within our society -- keeps them in fear and silence around their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries. And in the long run, this sucks for all of us. I'm going to speak to this concern and how mindfulness tools are the key to turning this around.

Come on out Sunday and join this conversation about "the space between"!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sex Coach, Sexologist

TEDxWomen in San Diego!

I am thrilled and honored to be attending my first TEDx function, as well as speaking at the event! I love the TED mission of "ideas worth spreading," and I take that seriously as I'm preparing my presentation about Sex: Mind Full or Mindful?

TEDxWomen is a TEDx event organized by the Paley Center for Media that focuses on women and women’s issues. TEDxWomen events are TEDx events hosted around the live webcast of TEDxWomen and feature local speakers, while being part of a global community of women. The theme for this event is "The Space Between."

To read about the speakers or purchase your tickets, vist TEDxWomen America's Finest City. As a friend of mine, you can receive a "friends & family" 10% discount by using "tedfriends" as your promo code.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sexologist

Have a Beer with your Fear

(This was originally posted on October 31, 2012, as the Sex & Relationships Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.)

http://www.zazzle.com/trick_or_beer_funny_halloween_tshirt_mug-168835565549837282It’s Halloween, so why not have a beer with your fear? I don’t mean to say you should use alcohol to ecape your fears. But I do suggest you sit down with your fear like you would an old friend, and really listen to it.

We usually run from our fears through distraction, numbing, or reacting with anger to feel more powerful. We do anything we can to not feel the fear, regardless of whether the feelings come from a fear of pain, loss, humiliation, being unlovable, not smart enough, not man enough, not pretty enough, etc. Until we learn how to sit down with our fears and accept them for being there, like we would a friend, we continue to allow them to wreak havoc in the background. While it might not seem important in the background, this means our fears will influence our reactions, decisions, and ability to relate to others. Pretending that they are not there only makes this dynamic stronger and out of our control.

How can you break this pattern? By doing the opposite of what you want to do. When you want to escape or distract from an uncomfortable fear, choose to stay with the feelings and bodily sensations. Notice them, label them, breathe into them. Befriend your fears by accepting them for exactly as they are. Once you’ve sat and had a few beers with them, they aren’t so scary anymore. Cheers!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker