All year round is a good time for GALentine's Day

I really do like the idea of prioritizing celebrating time with our girlfriends. The day before Valentine's Day has been dubbed Galentine's Day (from the show Parks & Recreation), but I think just like Valentine's Day, it's important to celebrate this kind of love, friendship, and connection all year round. Although you might not always be treated with the surprise of Chippendales' dancers on your next gal pal outing ;) We had a lot of laughs on this segment on San Diego Living!

The video is not embedding properly from the San Diego Living website, but you can click here to watch about Galentine's Day on their site!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

Top 5 Questions Women Ask a Sex Counselor

Sex is fun…and complicated! While there are a lot of biological components of sexuality, there are also a lot of social, mental and emotional aspects. These often get in the way of enjoying the pleasures of our bodies and the potential for deep connections with others. As a Relationship and Intimacy Counselor, I receive many questions from women about their sex lives; below are five of the most common questions I receive.

1. Am I normal? Is what we’re doing normal?

These questions come from a fear of being judged or not feeling good enough. There may be sexual statistical averages around activities and frequency and tastes, but what really matters is what you like and don’t like, and the same for your partner. You could be perfectly “average” and “normal,” but still have a miserable sex life! Each individual and couple needs to create their own “normal” based on their preferences, needs and desires.

2. Why don’t I feel desire any more? How can I feel passion again?

It is really common for women in long-term relationships to lose their desire. Desire is a tricky thing that we tend to take for granted in the early stages of a relationship. But once those neurochemicals wear off, most women and couples don’t know what to do. The first step is to redefine desire from something that happens to you, to something that you can cultivate. What primes your pump? By this I mean, what can your partner do that helps you feel open to being sexual? Is it doing the dishes for you, massaging your shoulders, or having an eye-to-eye conversation? Focus on what makes you feel loved and nurtured and also makes your partner seem appealing. The second thing you can do is to take responsibility for your own desire. What puts you in the mood, such as reading erotica, fantasizing, or touching yourself? Do these things regularly to kick-start your libido.

3. How can I request my sexual needs without feeling embarrassed?

Read the rest of this blog that I wrote for the Softcup Blog HERE.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist

Why Couples Need to Have Date Nights!

If intimacy or quality time are not happening on their own in your relationship, then you need to make them happen!

Two cool therapists in Phoenix interviewed me for this new podcast show, Mission: Date Night. We were so in alignment with our perspectives on intimacy, gender, relationships, and sex - it was a lovely conversation. I shared my perspectives on what I think are ingredients for an amazing relationship (can you guess?), how and why to create the opportunity for intimacy through date nights, and I even shared what I consider my perfect date (can you guess this one too??). You can listen to the podcast interview and discussion below:

Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, National Public Speaker

What is LOVE? How about MATURE LOVE?

If we were to learn about love from advertisers, we would believe that love is spending money on your partner or buying sparkly surprises. But love is complex and often difficult to define. So this season of love, let’s look at love in three different ways—neurochemically, socially and emotionally—and then consider whether this relates to “mature love.”

Neurochemical: Love and lust can easily mix at the start of a relationship, when love feels like a deep yearning for the other. A lover’s high in the beginning is a mix of brain chemicals such as oxytocin, adrenaline and dopamine. If you’re with someone long enough, you can also develop a deeper kind of love, that involves different areas of you brain concerning attachment and commitment. It feels less passionate, but is more stable and enduring.

Social: We grow up learning myths about love. For example, there is the social myth in America that “love conquers all.” I hear this from clients and we see it is movies and books. In our society, we also hear that you should only get married because of love (instead of more practical reasons like health insurance) and that love should be easy. I think women are more likely to be raised with the belief that they are not complete or worthy when not in love or with a partner. Societal expectations of love and marriage can weigh heavily on women and men.

Emotional (and Feelings): Love can feel wonderful—a warmth in your heart, appreciation for your partner, and a sense of safety that you are not alone in the world. In the throes of love, we feel joyful, awe-inspired and vibrant. The flip side to these is that love, or at least attachment to someone, can bring about self-doubt, disappointment and deep angst.

How does all of this match with “mature love”? Interestingly, there’s not much of a match! In this discussion, I call upon my work with clients, personal experience, as well as my enjoyment of the If the Buddha Married book. In mature love, you respect yourself and your partner. You support each other through tough times and celebrate the successes. Mature love is interdependence; you rely on each other but don’t lose who you are. It is also having the courage to be vulnerable and accepting, and work through conflicts by taking responsibility, instead of defensiveness or blame. You see and appreciate your partner for who they are, not who you project them to be. Love does not conquer all in a relationship; it requires diligence, intention and attention. And these have the beautiful potential of bringing you even closer to your partner.

I think the best Valentine’s gift this season is committing your intention and attention to cultivating a mature loving relationship with your partner! If you find yourself single this time of year, all of these same qualities can be developed and expressed in your relationship to yourself. Mature love starts with loving yourself. And that feels lovely.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, National Sex Speaker

Fifty Shades of Erotic ~ Sex Lessons

If you thought the Fifty Shades of Grey book series was Fifty Shades of HOT, then you’re likely excited about the movie version release Valentine’s weekend. The trilogy created a stir a few years ago with its sexually explicit content and portrayal of BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism). While kink caused the controversy and media coverage, I contend the main appeal of these books for women is something much more mainstream and traditional. Anyone who wants to sexually please a woman can learn a thing or two from author E. L. James.

Anastasia Steele is a 21-year-old virgin at the start of the story. She is the shy girl next door. This character seems to resonate with American women of all ages because her sexual awakening gives us all permission to be sexual without shame or embarrassment. In her role as a sexual submissive, Ana allows Christian Grey to control and pleasure her body in ways she didn’t know were possible. Through surrendering to Christian, Ana can still be a “good girl” yet also sexually adventurous.

At the most basic level, Christian makes Ana feel desired. Although Ana is insecure about her appearance, Christian is overwhelmed with desire for her. For many of us, feeling desired by someone we admire makes us feel more worthy and attractive. The reader can embody the raw, insatiable desire, and perhaps recall their own experiences with this prior to other priorities and life stresses getting in the way, or the newness of their relationship wearing off.

All of this makes Ana feel special. With Christian’s good looks, fortune, and power, he could woo many women… yet he chose to seduce Ana. This must mean that she’s special in some way. Then, despite his desire for a non-emotional sexual relationship, he falls for her and begins to change and open up. This further indicates how extraordinary she must be and the female reader feels this excitement and power through Ana.

In spite of the sexual kinks, this is a traditional romance story in many ways, which makes it familiar and safe. This also means that anyone who wants to sexually please a woman can glean some sexual insights. The first take-home message is that women like confident lovers. Sure, it’s unlikely you are a fantasy man who is attractive, sexy, wealthy, powerful, philanthropic, and aged 27, like Christian Grey. Deal with it and own what you’ve got. Fake it until you make it when it comes to confidence. Channel Christian Grey if you have to.

The next lesson, if your partner is game, is to introduce new aspects of power play and sensual play in the bedroom. You can practice dominance by removing your partner’s senses, such as tying her up with a scarf, using a blindfold, or putting in ear buds with carefully chosen music. Be slow, teasing and in charge. Let her experience how much you desire her.

Finally, make the object of your desire feel special. Let her know through words, actions, time, and attention that you think she is amazing. Never stop courting her, so she always knows she is a top priority. This may sound cliché, but what would it take to actually prioritize this every day?

There are warranted critiques of this story, like the poor writing, imprecise depiction of BDSM, and portrayal of an unhealthy relationship. But Fifty Shades unexpectedly pushed the right buttons for many women. If you found yourself stirred by the steamy scenes, think about what this indicates about your sexual interests. And consider if 2015 is your year of sexual awakening.

(This article was originally published in the February 2015 issue of Pacific San Diego Magazine.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker

For Women Only: 3 Tips to Take Care of YOU!

I don't think women take enough care of themselves. That's why, for this Valentine's season of sexy love, I'm encouraging women to prioritize themselves with three tips for nurturing. Thank you Softcup Menstrual Cup company for hosting my Valentine's videos this February!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Speaker