Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
Your erotic intelligence is your knowledge, wisdom, and comfort in the erotic arena. I offer 5 questions to get you started in developing erotic intelligence between you and your partner. Why? Because any growth in this area can bring you closer to your partner, make you happier, and more satisfied.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sex Coach
From: http://serafimabogomolova.com/2012/05/a-bad-day-you-bet/Have you ever been around someone who’s having a “bad day”? For whatever reason, some happenings in their day have not gone as planned, and they are in a bad mood. They’ve labeled the whole day as bad. They are not fun to be around, especially if it’s our significant other.
How we define undesirable happenings in our lives is very important. Sure, these happenings are not what we hoped for and they have negative consequences for us. But the extent of those consequences is up to us. If you are viewing the world through dark-colored glasses because you’re having a “bad day,” I guarantee more bad things will happen to you. The amount of “positive” or “negative” you experience every day is largely up to how you perceive and react to events.
Consider that a negative event doesn’t actually make your day bad. It just means that you’ve had a negative incident. It’s an isolated event that doesn’t have to lead to more negativity. The meaning that we ascribe to an event has a large impact on how we actually experience it.
This is relevant in relationships too. If you or your partner perceive unhappy events as ruining a whole day, it can bring you both down. It’s difficult to thrive together unless you both choose to shift to a broader and more optimistic outlook.
If you’re a person who views days as “good” or “bad,” consider how this is impacting your partner, friends, and coworkers. Next consider how you can choose to accept a bad event for what it is and deal with it, without making it bigger than that. One suggestion, if you find your mental path on a downward spiral, is to identify three things to appreciate that day. Know that it will make you and everyone around you happier.
(This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's Relationship & Sex Blog series.)
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Coach, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
Why are sex and intimacy during the holidays important and helpful? And how can you make it a priority? I was interviewed along with Dr. Diana Hoppe, my colleague who is the founder of the Vibrantly You: Women's Wellbeing Symposium, on San Diego Living today. Dr. Diana shares research on how sex is actually healthy for us, I offer tips for how to bring intimacy into the holiday season, and we discuss the Vibrantly You Symposium on January 18, 2013.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sex Coach, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist
What does it take to fill your love tank? As cheesy as this terminology is, it’s actually a pretty appropriate way to check in with how loved, appreciated, and connected you feel in your relationship. Knowing your “love language” gives you insights into why you choose to be in an intimate relationship, how you like to interact, and what fills your love tank.
From: http://www.edenlifemag.com/2011/10/5-love-languages/Consider this scenario: A wife is upset that her husband doesn’t express his love and affection for her. She complains that he never says that he loves her or that he thinks she’s beautiful. He counters by explaining that of course he loves her, and his actions that day of washing her car and fixing their fence are clearly signs of that. She feels unloved. He feels unappreciated. Both feel frustrated.
A love language is how we can direct our actions and words to meet the deep emotional needs of our partner. Likewise, they can fulfill our needs and reasons for being in an intimate relationship, by speaking our love language. Which of the following ways do you prefer to receive love and attention from a partner? Is that the same way or different than you tend to give love and attention?
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
In the example above, the wife is asking for love through words of affirmation, and the husband is giving love through acts of service. Although they love each other, they are not connecting in their expressions of love. This is unfortunately a common state of affairs in long-term relationships.
To identify you and your partner’s love language, take this short Love Language test. What do you do with this information once you have it? Well, if you want love through quality time and your partner wants love through receiving gifts, take little steps each week to fulfill these needs. For example, you can make sure to bring home a thoughtful gift of appreciation, such as flowers or their favorite treat. Your partner could ensure you schedule quality time together, or make time to debrief at the end of each day. What happens when you and your partner start speaking each other’s love language? You feel romantic. You feel appreciated. You want to do small things to make your partner feel good. It’s an upward spiral of positivity and affection.
I am basing this information on a book by Gary Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages. He offers a poignant interpretation of love, and I have seen this book turn relationships around. Even if you’re not in a relationship, Chapman has written many versions of this book, for singles, teenagers, children, men, etc. If this at all resonates with you, do yourself a favor and read this book.
(This was originally posted as part of the Relationship & Sex Blog for Pacific San Diego Magazine.
Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sex Coach
The speaker's list for this Sunday's TEDxWomen in San Diego for America's Finest City is rocking! From authors, to physicians, to artists, and professors, I really anticipate this to be a moving conference, and I'm excited to be a part of a global women's event. For me and my topic of mindfulness and sex, the event theme of "the space between" speaks to all the shadows and silence around sexuality. For many women, their unspoken shame, guilt, and discomfort -- as learned within our society -- keeps them in fear and silence around their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries. And in the long run, this sucks for all of us. I'm going to speak to this concern and how mindfulness tools are the key to turning this around.
Come on out Sunday and join this conversation about "the space between"!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sex Coach, Sexologist
“The first rule of improv: Don’t deny.”
On June 23, this year, I walked into my first improv class at the National Comedy Theater in San Diego. This Wednesday, November 28, I will perform a live improv show with my fellow classmates, in completion of my improv training. I signed up for these classes for skill building as a public speaker, but was surprised to also find a number of life lessons relevant to my work as a sex therapist and relationship counselor.
1. Yes, and… The first rule we learned was not to deny anything another player says, but to build on whatever they’ve added to the scene, through a “yes, and…” mentality. This means that I could have an idea and vision of where to take a scene and it will never work out that way. This is a nice reminder in relationships: if you find yourself arguing to be right, want things your way, or are just generally disagreeable, perhaps a shift to a “yes mentality” could breathe some new life into your partnership. What would happen if you spent a day saying, “yes, and…” to all your partner’s ideas and suggestions? I guarantee it would be a unique experience.
2. Spontaneity and mindfulness. Improv is different than stand-up comedy because the humor is based on spontaneous interactions between the players, not pre-determined stories and jokes. Improv is a prime example of being in the moment with another person, and building a scene, from moment to moment. Mindfulness is awareness in the moment, without judgment. Being mindful allows the improv players to be flexible and go with the flow.
I am always teaching about mindfulness with my clients for personal growth, improved communication, and enjoying pleasure in the bedroom. If we are distracted or caught up in our mind chatter, we can’t be present in the moment or truly enjoy our partner. If we aren’t aware of our thoughts, emotions, and sensations, we can’t know our triggers or patterns and how to alter them. When we practice mindfulness in our relationships, we stop dragging the past into the present and are able to respond to what’s happening in that moment.
3. Fresh Choice. One of the games we play in improv is called Fresh Choice. We ask for a random suggestion from the audience for something like a sport, occupation, or relationship between two people. With only that information, we start creating a scene together. There is a referee, however, who has ultimate control over the scene by calling out “fresh choice!” after any spoken line. If the referee doesn’t like the new line, they can keep calling “fresh choice” until they do.
A few weeks ago I was working with a couple around how to handle anger and frustration in healthier ways. We had already talked about considering a new perspective on the situations that were triggering them. It occurred to me that if they could only be reminded to make a “fresh choice,” they could break their habits and try something new. I mentioned this improv game and suggested they gently suggest “fresh choice” to assist in each other’s creativity. They were thrilled to have a game to use to work on their tough personal growth topics, with humor and creativity instead of self-doubt and frustration.
4. Fear and confusion are OK. Just keep going. Fear and confusion were common experiences for me in class. What am I doing? I don’t get it? What should I do now? But it didn’t matter. My fear was there, but I had to keep going to interact with my classmates and keep trying. This advice is imperative to any coaching or counseling situation, let alone coaching for intimacy topics related to our deepest insecurities and needs. Being afraid is natural around the vulnerable topics of intimacy. The presence of fear doesn’t indicate a wrong path, it just means what you’re working on is hard. Acknowledging your fears and choosing to move forward is a key to personal growth. Sometimes we make asses of ourselves. But if we keep a good sense of humor, don’t take ourselves too seriously, and keep trying, everyone benefits.
If you’d like to watch an improv comedy show or take improv classes for yourself, I highly recommend the National Comedy Theater!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, Sociologist
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
